Damn… why do I feel the need to write, to share to explore what’s in my head so much? Maybe it’s therapeutic… Maybe I like words… Maybe by writing this out I’ll be able to form a conclusion??

Something happened that faithful day when I told my husband I was leaving him two years ago. The floodgates of my true self suddenly opened. Of course once he actually left the house and the country, I was finally able to be the person that I wanted to be. Because you see… I lost myself in my marriage. So once he was gone… suddenly I was able to do and experience everything more freely… Not only that, I found myself being so much more open to seek out experiences… open to try things…

Those who knew me in my childhood actually said to me “welcome back.” Those who knew me in my marriage said to me “so the handcuffs are finally gone?!” Not that my ex was abusive, but… you know when they say “choose your battles” in a relationship? I kind of stopped battling. I kind of lost my voice… in certain areas of my marriage, not all. I do pride myself for being a fairly articulate, confident and strong person. However, once I uttered those words and once I actually left, something amazing happened. I blossomed… or so I was told. People would say to me that I look amazing, beautiful, happy… (with the caveat “that I was always pretty but something was different). How do you explain to them that it’s called divorce? In essence it felt like i shed my skin and reclaimed who I once was. And maybe that’s why to some I seemed even more beautiful – it’s that beauty that comes from confidence and feeling strong. A beauty that comes from being true to yourself and being authentic.

I remember that my best friend’s nickname for me when I turned 17 was “Barbooronchick” – translated from Hebrew it means Swan. At 17 I suddenly became a swan… people would notice me and tell me how pretty I was, BUT also that my beauty shone from within (which trust me, I appreciated way more).

Some of my high school girlfriends will probably tell you that I look more beautiful today than I did in high school. Again – it goes back to what I wrote a few lines up. And you know what, I would rather look good today than back then, because I think I’m a better, wiser and more confident person today, so I probably appreciate the compliment more (especially when someone shaves 8-10 years from my age, lol).

So what’s the true point of this post? Yesterday I went out with a childhood girlfriend of mine (one of the girlfriends who said to me welcome back). We were meeting friends of hers at a restaurant – a guy and a girl. I knew of the girl as I follow her on Instagram – she has a great sense of style, is a fashion blogger and I love her photos. As soon as we go into the restaurant she gets up and greets me with “You’re so beautiful!” WOW I didn’t see that coming. Coming from a beautiful woman like her, that felt like a true compliment. Coming from men… I’m not so sure anymore. I assume anyone under the age of 30 just wants to fuck me (sorry to be so blunt) because they see me as a MILF (then again, I’m sure over the age of 30 feel the same too, lol). I won’t lie to you, it is flattering when someone compliments me (it would be flattering for anyone). But it’s kind of getting frustrating too. I see how men look at me (the truth is I’m still kind of weird it out by it. I think I’m attractive, but not sure what the fuss is about). And I get it all – you’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, you’re hot,  etc…

BUT… and here’s where my frustration stems from… Lately when I’ve been with guys, once they see past the looks and get to know me… I’m getting something else… You’re special, you’re awesome, you’r a prize, you’re a gem…. Every time a guy says that to me it brings me down a notch because I think… well then… why haven’t I met a guy that sees that and wants that? Thank you Mr X for seeing that… I know I’m pretty awesome and not because I’m full of myself. Simply because I do know I have a lot to give and when I truly like someone (or eventually love someone) I truly give it all – my emotions, my encouragements, my affection and all those little gestures to show this person how much I care for him. It’s just so frustrating to hear it from men (and I believe that the specific men who have said this to me were genuine in expressing that)… so why oh why… do I feel like I’m not good enough to fight for? To want to be with? Is it me? Am I attracting the wrong men?

For once it would be nice to meet a man who says to me “Yes, I think you’re beautiful and sexy, but beyond that I think you have a beautiful soul and I want to spend time with you because I’m into you both physically and intellectually. I like how you make me feel when we’re together and I want more of that. I want to make you feel as special and important as you make me feel. I want to invest time in you/in us”. And no, it doesn’t have to be verbatim, lol. BUT do you get where I’m going with this. I agree that being attracted to someone physically is important,chemistry is important and sex is important. But so is friendship, trust, respect, laughter… I guess that the bottom line is that I hope to some day meet that person who wants me beyond that “you’re beautiful”…

 

Yep! I’m not sure what to title this… My brain feels like there’s a tornado or maybe it’s a hurricane of thoughts within it. Was just about to title this Hurricane X… but I don’t want to disrespect everyone that has suffered through the various natural disasters and hurricanes that has plagued our world; Hurricane Irma most recently.

The kitchen is a mess and so is my dining room/office and so is my head/brain. I have so many things I want to write about and share and I don’t know where to even begin. Each requires a dedicated post. I feel the need to write, but I’m exhausted. From work and single motherhood (and it’s only the 2nd week of school, lol). My son didn’t have a good day today and had a few bad hiccups at school recently (again.. .it’s only the 2nd week of week…) and my daughter doesn’t listen – she laughs at me (it’s not from a mean place, I think she thinks that she’s being funny, a clown, an entertainer), she can be a little rude, she runs ahead of me when I tell her to stay near me and she’s only 4… well almost 5, but still (BIG SIGH)… So I had it tonight. I’m supposed to not only give her boundaries but teach her she can’t behave like that towards me. So I took her straight to bed after dinner – no dessert and no story time. She screamed and yelled (WAIT… isn’t that the same thing… oy my brain)… she cried. I tried to explain why I was doing that – how her behaviour made me feel, that is unacceptable -knowing full well she probably didn’t yet get it, at almost 5. So I just sat on her bed and let her cry and scream until she had enough.

Then of course my own tears started. Will I survive this? Single motherhood on my own? Will I do okay by them? Will me leaving their dad screw them up later on – if/when they’ll start asking questions and digging. I can only imagine that conversation. “Yep, you can stop loving someone.” Nope, I will never stop loving you, my children. Why? Ask me that once you become a parent!” “No, I don’t regret leaving your dad.” “Well why should I get married if people just get divorced?” Anyways… I sometimes have these conversations in my head -anticipating their questions. In the meantime I know that they know I love them. I know they love me too. BUT will they remember all the times I say “I’m not an ATM” and “I can’t buy you everything you want” and “I don’t have money”. I want to be able to give them stuff and what I think is important are swimming lessons as opposed to stuff! BUT even swimming lessons, guitar lessons, karate lessons… all that is piling up – the cost of that, plus the cost of therapy that I need to consider for my son. He’s angry and frustrated and can’t express why. His therapist is unwell, so he’s on a break now, but I don’t want to look for anyone else – he established a trust and built a rapport with her. She hopes to be well in a few more months. In the meantime, I’ll need to figure out other solutions to help him. One solution was no electronics for 48 hours (games, tv, etc) and we went to the library right after karate and he got about 5 books, which he will have lots of time to read. That’s another thing I’m going to do more this year = LIBRARY. I’ll admit that I do like to buy him books – mostly when it’s a series I want him to have the whole series. BUT mommy needs to find ways to save… so library it is! I did purchase the full Harry Potter Series for him last year. He’ll get it for his 10th birthday in the new year.

I feel like I’m all over the place with this post. I feel like I still have so much more to say and write, but I’m kind of feeling spent right now. Maybe I’ll take a break and do my own reading and then tackle the dishes, the dining room, work and maybe do a bit of core workout.

BUT yes… sometimes I get really sad and teary eyed and worried that I don’t screw this up – raising my beautiful kids. I also get teary eyed wondering if I’ll continue to do this alone (don’t get me wrong, as I mentioned in previous posts, I have amazing support from family and friends)… on a day like today when I get an email from school about my son’s behaviour and he behaves rudely to me I wonder.. will I be able to bring a man into their lives. Is it selfish of me to want to find love? Oh F… I’m too exhausted to think right now. I’ll go read.

‘Night

 

Hi!

So… I met up with you this past weekend! We had drinks and some munchies before you had to meet a friend for a late movie (one in which he was involved/produced and you did some creative for him). Everything I’m typing here I already wrote as I took the subway home after we met. Poured everything into my Notes App.

I truly believe that I’m in a good place with you. I’m happy for your own journey overseas, the relationship you’re in that suits who you are, etc.. I’m also happy that we’re still friends and that you did reach out and take the time to see me while in the city.

As I mentioned above, I wrote all of this while on the subway. I decided to take the subway and order an Uber from the last station as opposed to taking one from downtown. It was nice outside and I wanted to walk for a bit. If I didn’t have my heels on I would have walked longer, but my feet were killing me (the early part of my day was spent with my son – our annual mommy and me special day at a Comics/SciFi Convention – which involved lots of walking). The subway trip is important to mention. I figured if I’m on the subway where there’s no WiFi, there’s less of a chance of me drunk texting “you know who”. I could feel the tears in my eyes… but luckily I was sitting in a subway car full of people, which somehow kept me from crying.

I took an Uber on the way to meet you. While sitting in the car I was going through my photo album and I stumbled upon a picture he sent me once when we were texting. I miss his eyes and his smile. His kissable lips. But I know… deep down I know that I have no choice and that I’ve made the right call. It’s been two years since my separation. More than a year since I’ve been officially divorced. Enough time has past  – enough time to live and learn. Plenty of opportunities to do stupid things like send drunken texts. I’m past those! I’m just sad and emotional, but I know that I deserve to be chased and that I have to be strong. Hence, I won’t reach out to him. BUT I also won’t be quick to get back onto those dating apps. They make me nauseous (that’s going to be my next Blog Post I think “Online Dating Makes Me Nauseous!”).

I need time! I don’t want to insult myself or him (and my feelings) by being so quick to do that. But.. I guess that eventually I should get back on them. That’s what this book I’m reading is hinting at. It’s not about online dating, lol, it’s about The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck (by Mark Manson). According to the book I’m allowed to feel pain and hurt, but if I ignore those feelings and not do anything about them, then I’ve learned and gained nothing. It’s okay to hurt and to feel pain, but I need to continue putting myself out there… in the hopes that one day there will be a glimmer… that one day the stars will align for me and the right timing/connection will occur (on both sides).

BUT not yet. Not just yet… please! I felt too much with him!

It’s interesting… you asked me what would be the purpose of texting him, what will it give me? Honest truth? Nothing really! It’s not like we’ll have flirtatious back and fort texts or that I’m going to share how my day was – the stress at work or daily challenges with my kids. Not because he doesn’t care, simply because his head, his heart… the’re not truly into it. He has so much shit to deal with right now… and like he said, he can’t give me what I want, need, deserve. I’m just lonely… but I said that before… so blah!

I will say that in the back of my head I do hope/wish that I’ll have an opportunity to explore “this” with him… whatever “this” is. I’m interested in him… I’m into him… I’m attracted to him… and I would love to find out what it would be like to be with him/date him when he’s “normal” so to speak. When everything he is going through now is behind him. What kind of a person will he be then? I’m curious!

I do love your baking analogy (then again, you do love my cookies, lol). You compared him to raw cookie dough. Saying that right now he might just be too much raw cookie dough for me.  And I quote you “as a cookie expert, you know baking takes time, and you get committed to the outcome, which might not always be great.”  Then when we spoke about online dating and setting up my profile you said I have to be very clear as to how I present myself and compared it to PPC (of course you would). It’s all about long tail key words, which are more targeted than saying “I’m Here To Meet Someone.” I should really say “I’m Here To Meet Someone Who Is Interested in Dating Me Exclusively.” Or something to that affect, lol. Gotta love your PPC analogy. He actually said to me that he wants to write my profile for these apps. Here is the intro that he wrote “I’m a fun loving easy going person. Looking for that “right” connection.”

I gotta love you guys… being so helpful with my dating life. Telling me that “I have faith in you, you’ll be fine” or “you will find it with someone great. I have no doubt” or “don’t change for anyone. Your’e great the way you are.” Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my mouth? From where I’m standing it’s you men who seem to have it so much easier dating and meeting women. When I get on these goddamn apps half the time even if there’s a match the guys don’t initiate or respond… but again… a post for another day!

Don’t worry I have faith in me too! Not as it pertains to dating or meeting someone – that’s all f**ing screwed up. I just have faith in me period! But…. sigh…. that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m lonely!

xox

Me

 

 

I don’t talk much about my work, but I do love my job and the people I work with. However, I do feel overwhelmed and stressed fairly often, but I’m trying to work through that, and really it’s about better managing my time and projects while juggling single motherhood. I’ll get there!

I recently attended a 2-day team building session for which we needed to answer two questionnaires in advance. One of them was a Lumina Spark personality test. We got the results for that during our 2-day session. The funny thing was that before we received our results – a full on document – the facilitator asked us what is it that we want to take away from this session. I said that I would like to learn something new about myself.

YES… I guess I’m one of those weird people that believes that the only thing constant is change! 😀 I’m open to learning and personal growth, and it’s something I welcome and seek. I want to strive to be a better person, mother, daughter, friend, colleague, boss and maybe one day even someone’s romantic partner (BUT we’re not going to talk about that today, lol).

Well guess what?! I did learn something new about myself.

The Lumina Spark personality test provides you with a breakdown of your dominant colour archetype within 3 different situations! One looks at your Underlying Persona – this one is basically the person you are when you wake up; the person that you are at home. The Everyday Persona is usually who you bring to work, and finally the Overextended Persona is who you become during a stressful situation.

So what did I learn? I learned that my dominant Underlying Persona is the Commanding Arechetype. The colour associated with this one is red.

My dominant Everyday Persona is the Empowering Archetype – the green.

What everyone noticed including my boss was that I was resistant to that idea. For some reason I saw red as bad. I saw being “tough” as bad. Under this Persona my dominant qualities are Take Charge, Tough, Logical and Purposeful. Competitive also falls under that Persona, but that’s one thing I can tell you for sure that I’m not! What I found heartwarming is when my colleagues chimed in and said “but you do Take Charge and you are Tough. Look at your personal situation – a full time career woman and a full time single mom of two. Look at the last two years and what you’ve gone through.”

It was eye opening to keep hearing (throughout this 2-day session) from my colleagues that they do see that Take Charge and Toughness come through from me and not in a negative way. It’s funny, I always see myself as an emotional person, but when I really started looking at how I am at home and everything I need to organize and complete to juggle both my kids and my career, those character traits, those qualities do stick out. They have to stick out for me to survive and be the best person I can be both as a mom to my kids and for work purposes.

Under the Empowering Archetype, which is (at present) my everyday archetype that I bring to work, my dominant qualities are Intimate (not 100% sure what that means, lol), Collaborative, Empathetic and Adaptable. All of which are true.

So what is my conclusion. I’m still very much the Empowering Archetype – I see that in myself and the way I treat my colleagues and customers. I still fully embrace that because it’s authentic to me. However, I think I’m going to embrace the colour red. I’m going to embrace the Commanding Archetype. The colour red does not need to have a negative connotation. Being tough does not have to have a negative meaning attached to it. To me it will mean that I will be/do the following: Strong, Confident, Hold My Ground/My Convictions (but not for the sake of being right, but because I’ve done my due diligence and have data to support that), Emotional Resilient (sometimes that too is needed).  I think that my green Empowering Archetype can really complement/work well with the red Commanding Archetype. I think that I have a fairly calming affect on people and I don’t approach them in a combative stance. I can be personable yet tough. I can be direct yet not threatening. So maybe I can embrace the red in me and maybe it will help me become a better leader to my team, my colleagues, my customers and my suppliers. Clear, direct with no BS, but collaborative and empathetic.

Let me end though by giving you a full picture of the rest of the colours – I’ve shared with you my high Red and Green qualities. My high blue, which is Conscientious Archetype (very process driven) are: Evidence-Based, Observing, Practical and Reliable. My high yellow, which is Inspiring Archetype (very much about the people) are: Sociable, Conceptual, Imaginative and Spontaneous (oh yeah – very much so these past two years, lol).

Now… maybe just maybe I should also buy myself one of those Power Red Dresses?! LOL

I’m going to leave you with this quote that the facilitator put up on the screen by Viktor Frankl who wrote Man’s Search For Meaning:

If I write it black on white, will it hurt a little less? I find myself screaming silently FUCK FUCK FUCK….

My mind is both blank and in pain simultaneously … As is if I’m forcing it not to feel…

You do realize that everything we feel, we actually feel in our brain – at least these are signals from our brain… We just think we feel in our hearts. I have this ongoing battle in my brain. Strength and common sense versus heart and feelings. Who wins? That truly depends on the day!

in the meantime it’s 10:22pm and I’m in bed willing myself to fall asleep… Hoping that sleep will bring an escape… A Break from this inner battle…

Maybe for a few hours I can get a break from how much it hurts 😔

 

 

 

Hi Cous,

How are you? We really need to book another Skype date soon! I’m sitting/working outside in my backyard. Today we have a short Friday and can actually finish work at 2pm, but it was a super short week for me. Monday was a stat holiday and on Tuesday I was sick. So I’m working… but I’m in the mood to write and soon I’ll be in the mood to exercise and then yoga – YEP, I’m crazy like that… but while the kids are away, I’m going to fit as much as I can in. Especially since it won’t be so easy to go to yoga when they are back. But I’ll figure out a way because I’m really digging it.

So why this title? I went for a walk with a girlfriend yesterday and we talked about “the things in my head” lol… She is very spiritual and believes that if we only verbalize or write down what it is that we want than we have a better chance of getting it than not. It’s like my ex SIL – she believes that we attract what we want to attract into our lives. I’m still working out all these things in my head – the things that they both believe in. All I know is that today I’m a little bit less selfish than in my younger years. I give more of myself to the people I care about and I’m more positive. Although I’ve technically always been a fairly positive person. I did have a few years where I probably wasn’t (rough time career and finance wise with my ex)… but then somewhere a long the lines I noticed that things do have a way of working out so I just kind of decided to become a glass half full rather than half empty kind of person (and as I type it starts raining… but like my mom says, I’m not made out of sugar.. unless of course it starts pouring, lol).

Anyways… I think that most of my friends from childhood to today would say I’m a fairly happy and optimistic person. You could say I’m high on life and it really is the little things that make me happy. A hearty dinner at my mom’s (often times more satisfying than a restaurant), a cuddle with my kids as we read or even while watching a movie, a glass of wine (or two or three) with a friend, the fresh scent outside after it rains, the caress of the wind as I sit here and type, hot chocolate at -15 and even shoveling snow! I know… we’ve already established I’m somewhat weird OR was it “fairly normal ;)” LOL…

I’ve cried a lot these past 2 years, but I decided that it doesn’t make me weak… it makes me human. It makes me feel. I also decided to stop saying things like “I only seem to be attracted to unavailable men”! I know.. you’re wondering.. where the hell did that come from? WELL it something I uttered a lot recently and then I just had to stop myself and really think about it. It kinda sounds a little immature to keep saying that. Because number one, the experiences I had with the men I’m specifically thinking of – I have no regrets for those. Number two, I don’t think that it had anything to do with them being available or not, I recently came to the conclusion that they came into my life at a time that I needed them to (and vice versa). And we gave one another exactly what we needed at that moment AND most importantly I’ve remained good friends with them. I don’t think I’m deluding myself. In fact I’m finally at peace. With one of them I was so much at peace with the past that I reached out and actually told him he sucked as a friend, lol… just because I missed talking to him and getting his perspective. AND he did respond and did apologies and did confirm that I’m one of the few important people in his life. He was also the one who reminded me that life is about the journey and not the destination. I know it’s a cliche, but so far I’m enjoying my journey, despite the highs and lows (and I have this blog to remind me of that). I don’t need a destination. I’ve been married already and have my kids. So if spending time with someone I actually like makes me happy… then why overthink everything else? Why not just enjoy the moment?

So back to my prayer… what do I want? Other than the obvious – above all #health for my parents, kids, myself and my friends? You know what God and/or the Universe? Here is my prayer:

Dear Universe:

Please continue to put good people in front of me!

People with whom I can share my love of fitness and yoga in the same breadth as feeding them my cookies and other baked goods (and cooking – which apparently I’m getting better at ;)).

People with whom I can laugh or make laugh on a day that they really need it. Showcase my awesome sense of humour or my sarcasm (I mean come on…. my son dubbed me The Goddess of Sarcasm for a reason, lol)

Wise people from whom I can learn and because of whom I grow to be an even better human being. And hopefully vice versa…. Hopefully some of that wisdom rubs off on me and I can impart it (with no agenda or self-importance or self-righteousness)

People to love freely and effortlessly. To be there for them in the good, the bad and the ugly. During the highs and the lows. And vice versa. To give to selflessly because they deserve it.

I think Dear Universe that if you continue to put good people in front of me then anything is possible. Then I’ll be okay. Then I’ll continue to love, share, laugh and give freely of myself.

YES… that’s my prayer for now! Keep me grounded, keep me positive, keep me good!

Miss you cous!

xox

 

 

 

I was going to title this “How Did I Get Here…” OR “What A Fucked Up Summer It’s Been”, but then I get a FB message from a friend and just by talking to her she reminds me that I don’t whatsoever regret having met her this summer, nor do I regret meeting the other person I met most recently. I think (I hope) I made two new friends. And besides, I try and live my life without regret and so far I have been able to at the age of 40 (not bad, right?). Now that I think about it, it’s actually weird for an overthinker and overanalyzer like me… but maybe it’s because I aim to learn from my experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly ;).

What I’ve noticed as I got older (other than the obvious – that I’m fucking strong my friend) is that I’m able to let some things go more easily than I have in the past. Other stuff just take more time to sort through… but eventually I’m able to put them in a drawer so to speak. And then from time to time I’ll take them out and look at them with affection and nostalgia like a worn out photo… Maybe 😉

I was in one of my moods this past Sunday so I decided to spend some time with me myself and I. I went for a walk downtown (actually I drove to go for a walk downtown, lol). Thoughts were swirling in my head – the usual, about love, relationships, men… And the people who come into your life and their purpose (not in the “I’ll use you and toss you” kinda way, but in a “lessons learned” kinda way) – what can we teach/learn from one another. Sometimes I think… what if my ex and I were smart enough to purchase an older house in the south part of our city instead of venturing into new developments in the north. That would have been the smarter choice (staying south). BUT if we would have done that, then I could think of at least one important person that I wouldn’t have met. So yeah, life happens for a reason – if you get my drift. And life, well life my friend is not meant to be easy – it is meant to be well lived. Easy is boring (and compared to some people I know, I think I’ve been pretty lucky and have had it fairly easy). I’ve been and am blessed with amazing loving parents and a pretty decent brother, lol. Grandparents (who have all passed away) but who showered me with love, hugs and kisses and some wisdom along the way. An awesome cousin who gives me perspective. A best friend who means the world to me and finds ways to give me advise that keeps me grounded. And other good friends (and even some colleagues who have become friends) who offer an ear, a shoulder, a hug and lots of love and support. AND of course my beautiful children who I miss so much. It’s that time again (after going through everything I’ve gone through this summer)… it’s that time again that I need them to come back. Not just because I miss them and miss being their mom. I have a selfish reason for wanting them back. I want to hide behind them. Hide behind the busyness of being their mom. Be so busy between them and work that I won’t feel lonely for other things. That I won’t have time to feel lonely for other things. Hoping that their I Love Yous, Kisses and Hugs, will be… exactly what I need and no more.

As I went on my walk I was thinking about them. Remembering them and missing them. And I was thinking to myself, how do I describe my children? Well… my little girl is 4 and she…. she lights up a room with her energy, smile and mischievous nature (that’s when she’s not being miss bossy pants and stubborn). And my boy? My beautiful 9 year old boy… he warms up a room with love oozing from every pore. Love pours from his eyes and arms (if that makes sense). He is a kisser, a hugger and a lover (and that’s when he’s not frustrated or angry about something and unsure how to deal with these strong emotions).

So yeah… in so many ways… I’m so very blessed. And then in other ways I have this amazing talent for… Maybe I’ll keep that for another post.

…and if you can think of a song to go with this post and/or my mood, let me know!

Hi Cous,

Hmmm… It’s now been over 2 years since that faithful day in April of 2015 when I told my ex that I’m leaving him… leaving our marriage. And it will be 2 years in November that he moved out and left the country. In June it was a year that I was divorced. So now… almost 2 years later cous… am I ready for some perspective? Do you think I can sift through the fog in my head (speaking of which… 1.5 hours of Hot Yoga today and mentally I wasn’t at my best.. was hard to let go).

I will say that recently I have learned a few things. 1. I’m done with sowing my wild oats (my girlfriend liked that saying – she said she hasn’t heard it in a while, lol). And 2. I think I’m ready for something a bit more real with the caveat that I’ll go with the flow… The problem with “going with the flow” so to speak and have my brain – the one that likes to overthink or overanalyze (yep, apparently some things just don’t change ;)) – the problem is that I’m a bit wobbly (in Yoga terminology think Tree Pose, lol). Having said that I do get it – that idea of “just flow”. And it’s not like I want to move in with someone right now or anytime soon for that matter. I just want to date someone exclusively and enjoy the journey (but without any games and with things being clear, which right now they are not). Geez.. even this rant is not clear. I should rewind!

I met someone! YEP! I went back to JSwipe. Well actually first I went back to Tinder (a friend wanted to see what it was all about). But Tinder annoys the shit out of me so I deleted it and went to back to JSwipe (you know… less people on JSwipe in my area of choice.. so less of a headache if that makes sense). I met someone and right off the bat really enjoyed our texts. He also called me and I liked his voice and the conversation was free flowing. Then we went on a date and… probably the best date I had (actually our 3rd date may have been the best – stay tuned, lol). We had a great conversation and a lot of honesty right off the bat. Good vibe, goofiness and joking around and then after we left the restaurant we walked around, we kissed, held hands and talked some more. I told him how I have yet to really do second dates (haven’t met someone who interested me enough). So when he walked me to my car and kissed me he said “let me know if you want to go on another date”. When I got into my car I texted him “Is it too early to say that I want a 3rd date”? I really should have wrote “is it too soon…” – lol that just annoys me English wise. As for the reference to the 3rd date – earlier that day before we met he was having lunch after getting a haircut and we were texting. He said to me that he felt like he was already on a date with me. So I said, that’s good and that our date that night will technically be our 2nd date ;).  He is only 2 years older than me, twice divorced with 3 kids.

So what’s wrong? I don’t think we’re in the same head space unfortunately. He is only been separated for 5 months. So I’m trying not to get ahead of myself and trying not to overthink anything. There’s definitely a connection there, good conversations and fun. But he is still going through a nasty divorce and lots of things that he needs to sort through so I’m just trying to thread carefully. The problem is that I know myself. In the past I’ve always given so easily to the men in my life that I cared for. Whether it’s you know who OR you know who (lol). A friend said to me that I’m really genuine (which warmed my heart to hear)… I’m also pretty much what you see is what you get and I’m just being myself with him, which may backfire in the sense that … I don’t know… Let me try and explain it a different way.

The last date we went on – which truly was the perfect date in my opinion (at least with him… with someone else it would have been different) we were having amazing sushi and drinking sake (which of course made me even more open than I am). I don’t know how we got into this conversation but I said something to the affect that I like him and that I have no interest in continuing to “swipe” at present. He said why not and that I should continue. So I just said something along the lines of “I like you and don’t feel the need to go out with anyone else right now”. Again – I don’t remember the exact words and we were both drinking. He said something like “scary”… and again, not sure if he meant that it was scary that I only wanted to date him or that I like him. No idea. Bottom line is that I’m not stupid, I know that at present he has more important things he has to deal with being only 5 months separated. BUT I really want to continue “going with the flow” with him so to speak. Truthfully I would like to get to a point where we’re dating exclusively. I don’t think that he has gone on any other dates with other women at least since we’ve started seeing each other, which has only been a week. Most nights when he wasn’t with his kids this week he was with me. And the thing is cous, when we talk I swear to you he seems truly interested in what I have to say. I see interest and warmth in his eyes. He really looks at me (and smiles at me with his eyes).

I had a totally different post I wanted to write, but I guess I needed to let this out. So if we can cut the bullshit and for a moment lay all the cards on the table… I want to date someone. I want to feel love and be loved. Does that make me weak? Sometimes I feel so disillusioned about love. I feel that more and more people are “coming out of the marriage closet” to tell me that they are thinking about leaving their partner. And it makes me sad. Is there anyone left who is happy. And then… then I go on a date with my BFF and her husband. We sit at the bar in a restaurant, order drinks and an appetizer. My BFF sits between her husband (to her left) and me to her right. As she and I talk she leans back into him and reaches for his arm/hand. That simple gesture – it got to me. I told them both that on our walk towards the movie theatre following the drinks. I said to them that they are still good – they still have that connection. My BFF didn’t even seem to notice what she did – it was just a natural extension of their relationship, which I thought so beautiful. AND trust me, it’s not perfect – they are currently on a bumpy road, but I think they’ll make it. There is enough love, respect and trust… and enough of a connection that I have to believe that they will make it! So YES… I want to be a romantic and I want to believe in love. I want to believe that I can meet someone with whom I can talk to and share things with and above all else LIKE. Yes, because after that honeymoon phase is over and after the googly eyes fizzle, I want to still really LIKE the guy. That part about wanting to love and be loved… does that make me weak? I don’t think so… at least I hope not. It’s not about saying to the world that without love (romantic love) I’m incomplete. I love myself and I’m happy with myself. I don’t need someone’s love to complete me. I’m not perfect, but what I noticed about myself is that I’m always growing and always seeking to learn from the people around me and from my experiences. I’m open to change and I basically want to be like fine wine – just get better with age :-). Love? Love is that physical and emotional connection that you share with someone. In the same way that I want to believe that there is something greater than us in the universe (call it what you will)… I want to have someone to share my highs and lows with. Someone to laugh and experience life with. Someone to make memories with (other than my beautiful children of course and the rest of my family and friends). I want that person I can curl into both when I’m happy and sad and feel like “I’ve come home”… if that makes sense?

Okay.. enough with the bullshit philosophy… but that’s just me… the thoughts that were swirling in my head as I went for a walk today with Me, Myself and I.

Miss you cous!

xox

P.S. oh… so what was that best 3rd date I mentioned?

Sushi/Sake + Sex + Ice Cream + Netflix = Perfect Date (with him… in that exact order)

Notice I didn’t say growing old… but instead I said growing up ;-)! I’ve had a lot on my mind ever since coming back from visiting my friends in the East Coast, BUT, I decided that today I’m going to take a break from the heavy stuff and talk about a lighter subject matter (at least in my opinion).

Guess what? I’m growing up! In fact, I just celebrated my 40th birthday… well, about a month ago (minus a few days). I was feeling kind of blah in and around the days leading up to and following my birthday. Probably because I didn’t make any huge plans to REALLY celebrate it. Figuring I’ll celebrate later (maybe Vegas with the girls) or not! Then I thought to myself… why does it really matter? Last year I went to Thailand just after my 39th birthday, so maybe next year I’ll do something special for my 41st. Why does it really matter if I do something epic on the big 40?

I think that what’s more important than that are my everyday experiences. Everyone says to me “Life Begins at 40” or “My 40s were my best year”… I don’t sit here with a glass of wine (although I really should ;-)) and really dig deep or reflect about what I want out of my 40s etc… What I am realizing however is that I’m way more open to what life brings my way. I’m open to trying new things – whether it’s food, drinks, experiences or activities and I love that. I also find that I’m way more confident, don’t give a shit and don’t need BS in my life.

I have so many examples I can share with you… but for now, let’s stick to these:

1. I wasn’t much of a drinker in my 20s. In fact I really started to drink and actually enjoy drinking in my late 30s. Personally I think it’s more fun and enjoyable today. Again it goes back to that confidence – I’m doing it for myself because I either enjoy the taste and yes, even the buzz (and let’s not even start talking about drunken sex – #WOW) but also because I don’t need to impress someone or succumb to peer pressure. In fact (as my dear cousin pointed out) had I had my Scotch experience in my 20s, I may have been stupid enough to try it again. Doing it last year at the ripe age of 39…well that my friends, was a “Once Is Enough Type of Experience” :D. I’m sure you’re wondering about that #scotchexperience… you’ll just have to come back again for that post ;-).
2.  Last year when I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand I went Zip Lining for the first time. I was excited, apprehensive and scared all at the same time. BUT even with all of these emotions swirling in my head, I couldn’t wait to do it. I think that it was just another step for me towards freedom, single hood and experiencing life to the fullest. I would admit that the first couple of stations (the whole zip lining experience probably took around 2 hours – including hiking to the various stations) were a little scary for me in terms of letting go of my fear of heights. I mean really… who wouldn’t be somewhat afraid to zip line from one tree to the next at heights that are probably 10 story high (if not more)? BUT there was this one station – probably more than halfway into the Zip Lining experience where the instructors changed the position of the hook on your back from your upper back to more around the centre of your back. At this station you were supposed to free fall towards a rope ladder at the other station, climb it and continue on to the next station. Imagine that this free falling was somewhat similar to bungee jumping except that you’re not tied at your legs, you have something holding you at your back. This was a moment of truth for me. I really needed to just take a few deep breaths and NOT overthink it. At that moment I knew that had I faced something like this in my 20s, I would have become anxious, would have overthought the experience and would have said “NO, I can’t do this”. BUT standing there at 39 I suddenly had this epiphany and this “F YEAH I can do this” attitude/confidence!!! And I did and it was AWESOME!!!!
3. Let’s talk about sex…. okay, well not too much about sex (I think that sex deserves a post on it’s own – don’t you ;-))… But here’s what I discovered about myself… I just don’t give a F***… Let me explain. I recently met a 30 year old guy via an online dating app. We chatted and flirted a bit and he came over one night. I offered him some cookies as promised in our chats (did I mention I love to bake and make awesome cookies) and some wine. He made mention as we settled on the sofa that he is meeting his friends a little later that night (oh really??). We chatted a bit and then started making out. One thing led to the other and we had sex. I sure do hope that he enjoyed the sex because I sure didn’t. I’m sure he enjoyed the BJ he got, but I got nothing!!! After the sex, he left. NOW, I’m not some 16 year old or 20 something year old (and I’m not saying they all act the same at that age)… the point is, I’m not going to sit and cry after him. I try not to have regrets in my life and so far I can’t say I do (except for one – again… a subject for another blog). I try to learn from my experiences. What this specific experience taught me is that I’m done having sex for the sake of sex. After my ex left and my divorce I was all about sowing my wild oats (especially since my ex was my first and one and only for 15 years). I had some amazing sexual experiences and the best ones were with guys who were also friends (note to self!!)… but I also met some cool guys during my travels and so I enjoyed sex with them too. With this particular guy it just felt like nothing. When he contacted me a week later (because “hahahah nervous laugh… I noticed you removed me from Snapchat”)… and said we should hang out again, I asked “Why? You didn’t seem that into me… you barely kissed me (and that’s a TOTAL deal breaker for me as I LOVE kissing … I could probably cum from kissing ;-))… you didn’t even go down on me” (…and you know what they said on Grey’s Anatomy “no lady time.. no next time”… hahaha… love it!) He apologized and said that he wasn’t feeling well … and that next time it would be different.. blah blah blah… BUT there won’t be a next time. I love sex and if I’m going to have sex, F*** IT, I want to enjoy it. I don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship to have amazing sex, but I do need to have a good connection with the guy and actually like him to enjoy it. Ideally a Friends With Benefits would be nice. Someone who you can have a good time with, some good laughs, maybe a few things in common for some good post sex conversation AND of course to be totally into him physically and vice versa (hell.. I want to want to jump the guy and only being attracted to him physically is just not going to cut it anymore… at least for me )… so yeah… that’s what I learned… and at 40 I could care less.. I don’t need BS and had no issue telling the guy that he just didn’t cut it.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it :-)! I don’t want to dwell too much on this number. I want to focus on living life to the fullest (at least as much as I can handle mentally and physically).

What brought this one? Hot Yoga of all things! I just see this journey I’ve taken to take care of my body (and trust me I’m not perfect – my body is not perfect and neither are my eating habits – having a sweet tooth doesn’t help!). BUT today more than ever I do enjoy working out and trying new exercises and activities to test my strengths and my body… hence my new found love for Hot Yoga.  A few years ago and still to this day it has been running – which has been like yoga to me. Sometimes if I work from home and I have a bad and stressful day. I may just take a break and go for a 30 minute run to clear my head and it works! So whether it’s eating more veggies and trying new exercises I just find that I’m saying YES more than NO I’m not interested in trying :-)!

Good night my friends!

Hi Cus!

I can’t wait for our Skype date next week, but in the meantime I need to write. It’s almost 1:30 am and tomorrow (actually today) I need to work! I’m making up for 4 vacation days and work is piling up and is crazy busy… thank god I still love it :)!

I met this incredibly beautiful soul… except that something from within was taken from her when she was 9. Actions that lasted 3 years AND left demons for a lifetime. A lifetime of struggle and pain. A lifetime of figuring out how to survive the pain… then again, she doesn’t feel. But she does, in her own way. She feels enough to care about not hurting the people around her. Maybe she can’t love, yet she expresses love in her own way. Because she cares… so if she cares… she still feels… even if it feels like she doesn’t.

I’m blessed to have met her, but feel a little selfish. I feel like I’m getting something from having met her. She has let me in and opened my eyes and for that I feel blessed. When I leave here in a few days I won’t be able to take her with me, but she will be in my heart and my head. And I hope that she will continue to let me in and that she’ll believe it when I say “Call me anytime! I don’t care if it’s 3am!” I also hope that she will bestow upon me the gift of a lifetime of friendship. That she will stay. In return I’ll just remind her that she is a beautiful and loveable person. And that she is a good mom, doing the best that SHE can for her kids. I know that she struggles, but again, she is doing the best that she can in spite of the hand that she was dealt.

So tell me cus… how do I protect my children? How do I help them grow into beautiful souls? Into intelligent, loving, good and compassionate human beings? How do I teach them that it takes only a moment in time… one act… to change someone’s life – for better or worst. OR even their own lives for that matter? I don’t need nor want them to be perfect. BUT I need for myself to give them the tools to navigate this world. To feel – whether love, pain, disappointment, anger, frustration or joy – and to rise through it all. To survive. To make mistakes and learn from them. To learn from experiences and have no regrets. How do I teach them who and how to trust? Teach them about friendship? That sometimes friendships come and go. That people enter or exit our lives for a reason.

God I hope I don’t fuck this up…as I navigate parenthood on my own!

Love you cus!
xox

Me