I was going to title this “How Did I Get Here…” OR “What A Fucked Up Summer It’s Been”, but then I get a FB message from a friend and just by talking to her she reminds me that I don’t whatsoever regret having met her this summer, nor do I regret meeting the other person I met most recently. I think (I hope) I made two new friends. And besides, I try and live my life without regret and so far I have been able to at the age of 40 (not bad, right?). Now that I think about it, it’s actually weird for an overthinker and overanalyzer like me… but maybe it’s because I aim to learn from my experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly ;).

What I’ve noticed as I got older (other than the obvious – that I’m fucking strong my friend) is that I’m able to let some things go more easily than I have in the past. Other stuff just take more time to sort through… but eventually I’m able to put them in a drawer so to speak. And then from time to time I’ll take them out and look at them with affection and nostalgia like a worn out photo… Maybe 😉

I was in one of my moods this past Sunday so I decided to spend some time with me myself and I. I went for a walk downtown (actually I drove to go for a walk downtown, lol). Thoughts were swirling in my head – the usual, about love, relationships, men… And the people who come into your life and their purpose (not in the “I’ll use you and toss you” kinda way, but in a “lessons learned” kinda way) – what can we teach/learn from one another. Sometimes I think… what if my ex and I were smart enough to purchase an older house in the south part of our city instead of venturing into new developments in the north. That would have been the smarter choice (staying south). BUT if we would have done that, then I could think of at least one important person that I wouldn’t have met. So yeah, life happens for a reason – if you get my drift. And life, well life my friend is not meant to be easy – it is meant to be well lived. Easy is boring (and compared to some people I know, I think I’ve been pretty lucky and have had it fairly easy). I’ve been and am blessed with amazing loving parents and a pretty decent brother, lol. Grandparents (who have all passed away) but who showered me with love, hugs and kisses and some wisdom along the way. An awesome cousin who gives me perspective. A best friend who means the world to me and finds ways to give me advise that keeps me grounded. And other good friends (and even some colleagues who have become friends) who offer an ear, a shoulder, a hug and lots of love and support. AND of course my beautiful children who I miss so much. It’s that time again (after going through everything I’ve gone through this summer)… it’s that time again that I need them to come back. Not just because I miss them and miss being their mom. I have a selfish reason for wanting them back. I want to hide behind them. Hide behind the busyness of being their mom. Be so busy between them and work that I won’t feel lonely for other things. That I won’t have time to feel lonely for other things. Hoping that their I Love Yous, Kisses and Hugs, will be… exactly what I need and no more.

As I went on my walk I was thinking about them. Remembering them and missing them. And I was thinking to myself, how do I describe my children? Well… my little girl is 4 and she…. she lights up a room with her energy, smile and mischievous nature (that’s when she’s not being miss bossy pants and stubborn). And my boy? My beautiful 9 year old boy… he warms up a room with love oozing from every pore. Love pours from his eyes and arms (if that makes sense). He is a kisser, a hugger and a lover (and that’s when he’s not frustrated or angry about something and unsure how to deal with these strong emotions).

So yeah… in so many ways… I’m so very blessed. And then in other ways I have this amazing talent for… Maybe I’ll keep that for another post.

…and if you can think of a song to go with this post and/or my mood, let me know!