Hi Cous,

Hmmm… It’s now been over 2 years since that faithful day in April of 2015 when I told my ex that I’m leaving him… leaving our marriage. And it will be 2 years in November that he moved out and left the country. In June it was a year that I was divorced. So now… almost 2 years later cous… am I ready for some perspective? Do you think I can sift through the fog in my head (speaking of which… 1.5 hours of Hot Yoga today and mentally I wasn’t at my best.. was hard to let go).

I will say that recently I have learned a few things. 1. I’m done with sowing my wild oats (my girlfriend liked that saying – she said she hasn’t heard it in a while, lol). And 2. I think I’m ready for something a bit more real with the caveat that I’ll go with the flow… The problem with “going with the flow” so to speak and have my brain – the one that likes to overthink or overanalyze (yep, apparently some things just don’t change ;)) – the problem is that I’m a bit wobbly (in Yoga terminology think Tree Pose, lol). Having said that I do get it – that idea of “just flow”. And it’s not like I want to move in with someone right now or anytime soon for that matter. I just want to date someone exclusively and enjoy the journey (but without any games and with things being clear, which right now they are not). Geez.. even this rant is not clear. I should rewind!

I met someone! YEP! I went back to JSwipe. Well actually first I went back to Tinder (a friend wanted to see what it was all about). But Tinder annoys the shit out of me so I deleted it and went to back to JSwipe (you know… less people on JSwipe in my area of choice.. so less of a headache if that makes sense). I met someone and right off the bat really enjoyed our texts. He also called me and I liked his voice and the conversation was free flowing. Then we went on a date and… probably the best date I had (actually our 3rd date may have been the best – stay tuned, lol). We had a great conversation and a lot of honesty right off the bat. Good vibe, goofiness and joking around and then after we left the restaurant we walked around, we kissed, held hands and talked some more. I told him how I have yet to really do second dates (haven’t met someone who interested me enough). So when he walked me to my car and kissed me he said “let me know if you want to go on another date”. When I got into my car I texted him “Is it too early to say that I want a 3rd date”? I really should have wrote “is it too soon…” – lol that just annoys me English wise. As for the reference to the 3rd date – earlier that day before we met he was having lunch after getting a haircut and we were texting. He said to me that he felt like he was already on a date with me. So I said, that’s good and that our date that night will technically be our 2nd date ;).  He is only 2 years older than me, twice divorced with 3 kids.

So what’s wrong? I don’t think we’re in the same head space unfortunately. He is only been separated for 5 months. So I’m trying not to get ahead of myself and trying not to overthink anything. There’s definitely a connection there, good conversations and fun. But he is still going through a nasty divorce and lots of things that he needs to sort through so I’m just trying to thread carefully. The problem is that I know myself. In the past I’ve always given so easily to the men in my life that I cared for. Whether it’s you know who OR you know who (lol). A friend said to me that I’m really genuine (which warmed my heart to hear)… I’m also pretty much what you see is what you get and I’m just being myself with him, which may backfire in the sense that … I don’t know… Let me try and explain it a different way.

The last date we went on – which truly was the perfect date in my opinion (at least with him… with someone else it would have been different) we were having amazing sushi and drinking sake (which of course made me even more open than I am). I don’t know how we got into this conversation but I said something to the affect that I like him and that I have no interest in continuing to “swipe” at present. He said why not and that I should continue. So I just said something along the lines of “I like you and don’t feel the need to go out with anyone else right now”. Again – I don’t remember the exact words and we were both drinking. He said something like “scary”… and again, not sure if he meant that it was scary that I only wanted to date him or that I like him. No idea. Bottom line is that I’m not stupid, I know that at present he has more important things he has to deal with being only 5 months separated. BUT I really want to continue “going with the flow” with him so to speak. Truthfully I would like to get to a point where we’re dating exclusively. I don’t think that he has gone on any other dates with other women at least since we’ve started seeing each other, which has only been a week. Most nights when he wasn’t with his kids this week he was with me. And the thing is cous, when we talk I swear to you he seems truly interested in what I have to say. I see interest and warmth in his eyes. He really looks at me (and smiles at me with his eyes).

I had a totally different post I wanted to write, but I guess I needed to let this out. So if we can cut the bullshit and for a moment lay all the cards on the table… I want to date someone. I want to feel love and be loved. Does that make me weak? Sometimes I feel so disillusioned about love. I feel that more and more people are “coming out of the marriage closet” to tell me that they are thinking about leaving their partner. And it makes me sad. Is there anyone left who is happy. And then… then I go on a date with my BFF and her husband. We sit at the bar in a restaurant, order drinks and an appetizer. My BFF sits between her husband (to her left) and me to her right. As she and I talk she leans back into him and reaches for his arm/hand. That simple gesture – it got to me. I told them both that on our walk towards the movie theatre following the drinks. I said to them that they are still good – they still have that connection. My BFF didn’t even seem to notice what she did – it was just a natural extension of their relationship, which I thought so beautiful. AND trust me, it’s not perfect – they are currently on a bumpy road, but I think they’ll make it. There is enough love, respect and trust… and enough of a connection that I have to believe that they will make it! So YES… I want to be a romantic and I want to believe in love. I want to believe that I can meet someone with whom I can talk to and share things with and above all else LIKE. Yes, because after that honeymoon phase is over and after the googly eyes fizzle, I want to still really LIKE the guy. That part about wanting to love and be loved… does that make me weak? I don’t think so… at least I hope not. It’s not about saying to the world that without love (romantic love) I’m incomplete. I love myself and I’m happy with myself. I don’t need someone’s love to complete me. I’m not perfect, but what I noticed about myself is that I’m always growing and always seeking to learn from the people around me and from my experiences. I’m open to change and I basically want to be like fine wine – just get better with age :-). Love? Love is that physical and emotional connection that you share with someone. In the same way that I want to believe that there is something greater than us in the universe (call it what you will)… I want to have someone to share my highs and lows with. Someone to laugh and experience life with. Someone to make memories with (other than my beautiful children of course and the rest of my family and friends). I want that person I can curl into both when I’m happy and sad and feel like “I’ve come home”… if that makes sense?

Okay.. enough with the bullshit philosophy… but that’s just me… the thoughts that were swirling in my head as I went for a walk today with Me, Myself and I.

Miss you cous!

xox

P.S. oh… so what was that best 3rd date I mentioned?

Sushi/Sake + Sex + Ice Cream + Netflix = Perfect Date (with him… in that exact order)