I don’t talk much about my work, but I do love my job and the people I work with. However, I do feel overwhelmed and stressed fairly often, but I’m trying to work through that, and really it’s about better managing my time and projects while juggling single motherhood. I’ll get there!

I recently attended a 2-day team building session for which we needed to answer two questionnaires in advance. One of them was a Lumina Spark personality test. We got the results for that during our 2-day session. The funny thing was that before we received our results – a full on document – the facilitator asked us what is it that we want to take away from this session. I said that I would like to learn something new about myself.

YES… I guess I’m one of those weird people that believes that the only thing constant is change! 😀 I’m open to learning and personal growth, and it’s something I welcome and seek. I want to strive to be a better person, mother, daughter, friend, colleague, boss and maybe one day even someone’s romantic partner (BUT we’re not going to talk about that today, lol).

Well guess what?! I did learn something new about myself.

The Lumina Spark personality test provides you with a breakdown of your dominant colour archetype within 3 different situations! One looks at your Underlying Persona – this one is basically the person you are when you wake up; the person that you are at home. The Everyday Persona is usually who you bring to work, and finally the Overextended Persona is who you become during a stressful situation.

So what did I learn? I learned that my dominant Underlying Persona is the Commanding Arechetype. The colour associated with this one is red.

My dominant Everyday Persona is the Empowering Archetype – the green.

What everyone noticed including my boss was that I was resistant to that idea. For some reason I saw red as bad. I saw being “tough” as bad. Under this Persona my dominant qualities are Take Charge, Tough, Logical and Purposeful. Competitive also falls under that Persona, but that’s one thing I can tell you for sure that I’m not! What I found heartwarming is when my colleagues chimed in and said “but you do Take Charge and you are Tough. Look at your personal situation – a full time career woman and a full time single mom of two. Look at the last two years and what you’ve gone through.”

It was eye opening to keep hearing (throughout this 2-day session) from my colleagues that they do see that Take Charge and Toughness come through from me and not in a negative way. It’s funny, I always see myself as an emotional person, but when I really started looking at how I am at home and everything I need to organize and complete to juggle both my kids and my career, those character traits, those qualities do stick out. They have to stick out for me to survive and be the best person I can be both as a mom to my kids and for work purposes.

Under the Empowering Archetype, which is (at present) my everyday archetype that I bring to work, my dominant qualities are Intimate (not 100% sure what that means, lol), Collaborative, Empathetic and Adaptable. All of which are true.

So what is my conclusion. I’m still very much the Empowering Archetype – I see that in myself and the way I treat my colleagues and customers. I still fully embrace that because it’s authentic to me. However, I think I’m going to embrace the colour red. I’m going to embrace the Commanding Archetype. The colour red does not need to have a negative connotation. Being tough does not have to have a negative meaning attached to it. To me it will mean that I will be/do the following: Strong, Confident, Hold My Ground/My Convictions (but not for the sake of being right, but because I’ve done my due diligence and have data to support that), Emotional Resilient (sometimes that too is needed).  I think that my green Empowering Archetype can really complement/work well with the red Commanding Archetype. I think that I have a fairly calming affect on people and I don’t approach them in a combative stance. I can be personable yet tough. I can be direct yet not threatening. So maybe I can embrace the red in me and maybe it will help me become a better leader to my team, my colleagues, my customers and my suppliers. Clear, direct with no BS, but collaborative and empathetic.

Let me end though by giving you a full picture of the rest of the colours – I’ve shared with you my high Red and Green qualities. My high blue, which is Conscientious Archetype (very process driven) are: Evidence-Based, Observing, Practical and Reliable. My high yellow, which is Inspiring Archetype (very much about the people) are: Sociable, Conceptual, Imaginative and Spontaneous (oh yeah – very much so these past two years, lol).

Now… maybe just maybe I should also buy myself one of those Power Red Dresses?! LOL

I’m going to leave you with this quote that the facilitator put up on the screen by Viktor Frankl who wrote Man’s Search For Meaning:

If I write it black on white, will it hurt a little less? I find myself screaming silently FUCK FUCK FUCK….

My mind is both blank and in pain simultaneously … As is if I’m forcing it not to feel…

You do realize that everything we feel, we actually feel in our brain – at least these are signals from our brain… We just think we feel in our hearts. I have this ongoing battle in my brain. Strength and common sense versus heart and feelings. Who wins? That truly depends on the day!

in the meantime it’s 10:22pm and I’m in bed willing myself to fall asleep… Hoping that sleep will bring an escape… A Break from this inner battle…

Maybe for a few hours I can get a break from how much it hurts 😔

 

 

 

Hi Cous,

How are you? We really need to book another Skype date soon! I’m sitting/working outside in my backyard. Today we have a short Friday and can actually finish work at 2pm, but it was a super short week for me. Monday was a stat holiday and on Tuesday I was sick. So I’m working… but I’m in the mood to write and soon I’ll be in the mood to exercise and then yoga – YEP, I’m crazy like that… but while the kids are away, I’m going to fit as much as I can in. Especially since it won’t be so easy to go to yoga when they are back. But I’ll figure out a way because I’m really digging it.

So why this title? I went for a walk with a girlfriend yesterday and we talked about “the things in my head” lol… She is very spiritual and believes that if we only verbalize or write down what it is that we want than we have a better chance of getting it than not. It’s like my ex SIL – she believes that we attract what we want to attract into our lives. I’m still working out all these things in my head – the things that they both believe in. All I know is that today I’m a little bit less selfish than in my younger years. I give more of myself to the people I care about and I’m more positive. Although I’ve technically always been a fairly positive person. I did have a few years where I probably wasn’t (rough time career and finance wise with my ex)… but then somewhere a long the lines I noticed that things do have a way of working out so I just kind of decided to become a glass half full rather than half empty kind of person (and as I type it starts raining… but like my mom says, I’m not made out of sugar.. unless of course it starts pouring, lol).

Anyways… I think that most of my friends from childhood to today would say I’m a fairly happy and optimistic person. You could say I’m high on life and it really is the little things that make me happy. A hearty dinner at my mom’s (often times more satisfying than a restaurant), a cuddle with my kids as we read or even while watching a movie, a glass of wine (or two or three) with a friend, the fresh scent outside after it rains, the caress of the wind as I sit here and type, hot chocolate at -15 and even shoveling snow! I know… we’ve already established I’m somewhat weird OR was it “fairly normal ;)” LOL…

I’ve cried a lot these past 2 years, but I decided that it doesn’t make me weak… it makes me human. It makes me feel. I also decided to stop saying things like “I only seem to be attracted to unavailable men”! I know.. you’re wondering.. where the hell did that come from? WELL it something I uttered a lot recently and then I just had to stop myself and really think about it. It kinda sounds a little immature to keep saying that. Because number one, the experiences I had with the men I’m specifically thinking of – I have no regrets for those. Number two, I don’t think that it had anything to do with them being available or not, I recently came to the conclusion that they came into my life at a time that I needed them to (and vice versa). And we gave one another exactly what we needed at that moment AND most importantly I’ve remained good friends with them. I don’t think I’m deluding myself. In fact I’m finally at peace. With one of them I was so much at peace with the past that I reached out and actually told him he sucked as a friend, lol… just because I missed talking to him and getting his perspective. AND he did respond and did apologies and did confirm that I’m one of the few important people in his life. He was also the one who reminded me that life is about the journey and not the destination. I know it’s a cliche, but so far I’m enjoying my journey, despite the highs and lows (and I have this blog to remind me of that). I don’t need a destination. I’ve been married already and have my kids. So if spending time with someone I actually like makes me happy… then why overthink everything else? Why not just enjoy the moment?

So back to my prayer… what do I want? Other than the obvious – above all #health for my parents, kids, myself and my friends? You know what God and/or the Universe? Here is my prayer:

Dear Universe:

Please continue to put good people in front of me!

People with whom I can share my love of fitness and yoga in the same breadth as feeding them my cookies and other baked goods (and cooking – which apparently I’m getting better at ;)).

People with whom I can laugh or make laugh on a day that they really need it. Showcase my awesome sense of humour or my sarcasm (I mean come on…. my son dubbed me The Goddess of Sarcasm for a reason, lol)

Wise people from whom I can learn and because of whom I grow to be an even better human being. And hopefully vice versa…. Hopefully some of that wisdom rubs off on me and I can impart it (with no agenda or self-importance or self-righteousness)

People to love freely and effortlessly. To be there for them in the good, the bad and the ugly. During the highs and the lows. And vice versa. To give to selflessly because they deserve it.

I think Dear Universe that if you continue to put good people in front of me then anything is possible. Then I’ll be okay. Then I’ll continue to love, share, laugh and give freely of myself.

YES… that’s my prayer for now! Keep me grounded, keep me positive, keep me good!

Miss you cous!

xox

 

 

 

I was going to title this “How Did I Get Here…” OR “What A Fucked Up Summer It’s Been”, but then I get a FB message from a friend and just by talking to her she reminds me that I don’t whatsoever regret having met her this summer, nor do I regret meeting the other person I met most recently. I think (I hope) I made two new friends. And besides, I try and live my life without regret and so far I have been able to at the age of 40 (not bad, right?). Now that I think about it, it’s actually weird for an overthinker and overanalyzer like me… but maybe it’s because I aim to learn from my experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly ;).

What I’ve noticed as I got older (other than the obvious – that I’m fucking strong my friend) is that I’m able to let some things go more easily than I have in the past. Other stuff just take more time to sort through… but eventually I’m able to put them in a drawer so to speak. And then from time to time I’ll take them out and look at them with affection and nostalgia like a worn out photo… Maybe 😉

I was in one of my moods this past Sunday so I decided to spend some time with me myself and I. I went for a walk downtown (actually I drove to go for a walk downtown, lol). Thoughts were swirling in my head – the usual, about love, relationships, men… And the people who come into your life and their purpose (not in the “I’ll use you and toss you” kinda way, but in a “lessons learned” kinda way) – what can we teach/learn from one another. Sometimes I think… what if my ex and I were smart enough to purchase an older house in the south part of our city instead of venturing into new developments in the north. That would have been the smarter choice (staying south). BUT if we would have done that, then I could think of at least one important person that I wouldn’t have met. So yeah, life happens for a reason – if you get my drift. And life, well life my friend is not meant to be easy – it is meant to be well lived. Easy is boring (and compared to some people I know, I think I’ve been pretty lucky and have had it fairly easy). I’ve been and am blessed with amazing loving parents and a pretty decent brother, lol. Grandparents (who have all passed away) but who showered me with love, hugs and kisses and some wisdom along the way. An awesome cousin who gives me perspective. A best friend who means the world to me and finds ways to give me advise that keeps me grounded. And other good friends (and even some colleagues who have become friends) who offer an ear, a shoulder, a hug and lots of love and support. AND of course my beautiful children who I miss so much. It’s that time again (after going through everything I’ve gone through this summer)… it’s that time again that I need them to come back. Not just because I miss them and miss being their mom. I have a selfish reason for wanting them back. I want to hide behind them. Hide behind the busyness of being their mom. Be so busy between them and work that I won’t feel lonely for other things. That I won’t have time to feel lonely for other things. Hoping that their I Love Yous, Kisses and Hugs, will be… exactly what I need and no more.

As I went on my walk I was thinking about them. Remembering them and missing them. And I was thinking to myself, how do I describe my children? Well… my little girl is 4 and she…. she lights up a room with her energy, smile and mischievous nature (that’s when she’s not being miss bossy pants and stubborn). And my boy? My beautiful 9 year old boy… he warms up a room with love oozing from every pore. Love pours from his eyes and arms (if that makes sense). He is a kisser, a hugger and a lover (and that’s when he’s not frustrated or angry about something and unsure how to deal with these strong emotions).

So yeah… in so many ways… I’m so very blessed. And then in other ways I have this amazing talent for… Maybe I’ll keep that for another post.

…and if you can think of a song to go with this post and/or my mood, let me know!

Hi Cous,

Hmmm… It’s now been over 2 years since that faithful day in April of 2015 when I told my ex that I’m leaving him… leaving our marriage. And it will be 2 years in November that he moved out and left the country. In June it was a year that I was divorced. So now… almost 2 years later cous… am I ready for some perspective? Do you think I can sift through the fog in my head (speaking of which… 1.5 hours of Hot Yoga today and mentally I wasn’t at my best.. was hard to let go).

I will say that recently I have learned a few things. 1. I’m done with sowing my wild oats (my girlfriend liked that saying – she said she hasn’t heard it in a while, lol). And 2. I think I’m ready for something a bit more real with the caveat that I’ll go with the flow… The problem with “going with the flow” so to speak and have my brain – the one that likes to overthink or overanalyze (yep, apparently some things just don’t change ;)) – the problem is that I’m a bit wobbly (in Yoga terminology think Tree Pose, lol). Having said that I do get it – that idea of “just flow”. And it’s not like I want to move in with someone right now or anytime soon for that matter. I just want to date someone exclusively and enjoy the journey (but without any games and with things being clear, which right now they are not). Geez.. even this rant is not clear. I should rewind!

I met someone! YEP! I went back to JSwipe. Well actually first I went back to Tinder (a friend wanted to see what it was all about). But Tinder annoys the shit out of me so I deleted it and went to back to JSwipe (you know… less people on JSwipe in my area of choice.. so less of a headache if that makes sense). I met someone and right off the bat really enjoyed our texts. He also called me and I liked his voice and the conversation was free flowing. Then we went on a date and… probably the best date I had (actually our 3rd date may have been the best – stay tuned, lol). We had a great conversation and a lot of honesty right off the bat. Good vibe, goofiness and joking around and then after we left the restaurant we walked around, we kissed, held hands and talked some more. I told him how I have yet to really do second dates (haven’t met someone who interested me enough). So when he walked me to my car and kissed me he said “let me know if you want to go on another date”. When I got into my car I texted him “Is it too early to say that I want a 3rd date”? I really should have wrote “is it too soon…” – lol that just annoys me English wise. As for the reference to the 3rd date – earlier that day before we met he was having lunch after getting a haircut and we were texting. He said to me that he felt like he was already on a date with me. So I said, that’s good and that our date that night will technically be our 2nd date ;).  He is only 2 years older than me, twice divorced with 3 kids.

So what’s wrong? I don’t think we’re in the same head space unfortunately. He is only been separated for 5 months. So I’m trying not to get ahead of myself and trying not to overthink anything. There’s definitely a connection there, good conversations and fun. But he is still going through a nasty divorce and lots of things that he needs to sort through so I’m just trying to thread carefully. The problem is that I know myself. In the past I’ve always given so easily to the men in my life that I cared for. Whether it’s you know who OR you know who (lol). A friend said to me that I’m really genuine (which warmed my heart to hear)… I’m also pretty much what you see is what you get and I’m just being myself with him, which may backfire in the sense that … I don’t know… Let me try and explain it a different way.

The last date we went on – which truly was the perfect date in my opinion (at least with him… with someone else it would have been different) we were having amazing sushi and drinking sake (which of course made me even more open than I am). I don’t know how we got into this conversation but I said something to the affect that I like him and that I have no interest in continuing to “swipe” at present. He said why not and that I should continue. So I just said something along the lines of “I like you and don’t feel the need to go out with anyone else right now”. Again – I don’t remember the exact words and we were both drinking. He said something like “scary”… and again, not sure if he meant that it was scary that I only wanted to date him or that I like him. No idea. Bottom line is that I’m not stupid, I know that at present he has more important things he has to deal with being only 5 months separated. BUT I really want to continue “going with the flow” with him so to speak. Truthfully I would like to get to a point where we’re dating exclusively. I don’t think that he has gone on any other dates with other women at least since we’ve started seeing each other, which has only been a week. Most nights when he wasn’t with his kids this week he was with me. And the thing is cous, when we talk I swear to you he seems truly interested in what I have to say. I see interest and warmth in his eyes. He really looks at me (and smiles at me with his eyes).

I had a totally different post I wanted to write, but I guess I needed to let this out. So if we can cut the bullshit and for a moment lay all the cards on the table… I want to date someone. I want to feel love and be loved. Does that make me weak? Sometimes I feel so disillusioned about love. I feel that more and more people are “coming out of the marriage closet” to tell me that they are thinking about leaving their partner. And it makes me sad. Is there anyone left who is happy. And then… then I go on a date with my BFF and her husband. We sit at the bar in a restaurant, order drinks and an appetizer. My BFF sits between her husband (to her left) and me to her right. As she and I talk she leans back into him and reaches for his arm/hand. That simple gesture – it got to me. I told them both that on our walk towards the movie theatre following the drinks. I said to them that they are still good – they still have that connection. My BFF didn’t even seem to notice what she did – it was just a natural extension of their relationship, which I thought so beautiful. AND trust me, it’s not perfect – they are currently on a bumpy road, but I think they’ll make it. There is enough love, respect and trust… and enough of a connection that I have to believe that they will make it! So YES… I want to be a romantic and I want to believe in love. I want to believe that I can meet someone with whom I can talk to and share things with and above all else LIKE. Yes, because after that honeymoon phase is over and after the googly eyes fizzle, I want to still really LIKE the guy. That part about wanting to love and be loved… does that make me weak? I don’t think so… at least I hope not. It’s not about saying to the world that without love (romantic love) I’m incomplete. I love myself and I’m happy with myself. I don’t need someone’s love to complete me. I’m not perfect, but what I noticed about myself is that I’m always growing and always seeking to learn from the people around me and from my experiences. I’m open to change and I basically want to be like fine wine – just get better with age :-). Love? Love is that physical and emotional connection that you share with someone. In the same way that I want to believe that there is something greater than us in the universe (call it what you will)… I want to have someone to share my highs and lows with. Someone to laugh and experience life with. Someone to make memories with (other than my beautiful children of course and the rest of my family and friends). I want that person I can curl into both when I’m happy and sad and feel like “I’ve come home”… if that makes sense?

Okay.. enough with the bullshit philosophy… but that’s just me… the thoughts that were swirling in my head as I went for a walk today with Me, Myself and I.

Miss you cous!

xox

P.S. oh… so what was that best 3rd date I mentioned?

Sushi/Sake + Sex + Ice Cream + Netflix = Perfect Date (with him… in that exact order)