Hi Cousin!

Yep, I feel like writing to you now. I kind of feel like you would care more right about now (than me writing to him). I’ve been contemplating for a while to dedicate a post to my ex. I almost need/want him to know that I don’t regret the past. That on the day I stood under the Chuppa I was truly happy and that I truly loved him and was in love with him. I’ve spoken to a few men who admitted to me that on the day of their wedding they knew that they should not get married. That’s just plain sad! But I can’t right now. I can’t talk about the love that was there because I’m so utterly sad and worried and a little scared about what the future will hold. He is here now. The kids spent the summer with him overseas and he brought them back. He leaves to go back in a few days. He is so angry and hurt. He believes that I won. That I have everything, the children, my career, friends, going out and having fun/living life. He has nothing he says (that’s according to a friend with whom he is staying).

My mind is going a mile a minute, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. All I care about are the kids. And he does too, but he is so angry and miserable that it’s hard for him to see straight, and he forgets how much I did and how much effort I put. He thinks he did it all. I won’t deny that while we were together he provided me with emotional support as it pertained to my career and he was physically there when I needed to travel for work. BUT, I was still the one who made sure to pay the bills on time, bought clothes for the kids, organized their closets, did laundry (okay he did fold – but I had to put it in the closets), shopped for groceries and did most of the cooking (especially towards the last few years when he was busy with a cake business that I was helping him with, encouraging him, etc)… I booked the kids in extra curricular activities, took them places, organized outings and playdates, etc.. The day to day, that fell on me – even as I was the main income provider and had to travel for business. BUT he forgets.

He is angry because I have my career. What about him? I and many of our friends always tried to help him both with his full time job (when for some reason he was unable to go past a one year contract) or his cake business. We encouraged, gave him compliments and positive feedback, all to no avail. He was depressed and always with one foot out of this country. You can’t be someone else’s happiness, but you see, loving me and the kids, even that wasn’t enough for him to get his shit together. And he didn’t show me that he could be the man I could follow across the ocean. I just didn’t see a man!

I’m at fault because I broke the family, he says. I didn’t try to save this marriage. How can you save something that is no longer there. I gave him so much of myself that there was nothing more to give. He hated it here, so obviously I wasn’t enough. And I wasn’t the one who upped and moved away. He is so angry. He can’t see past the anger. I even invited him over for Shabbat dinner with my family and our mutual friends. He doesn’t want to come. I get that it’s not easy and that it’s in what used to be our house. BUT he should come for his kids. AND… ever since I picked the kids up from the airport yesterday early morning, he hasn’t called or reached out to them. If you are here for 5 days, don’t you want to still spend as much time with your kids as you can before you go back? He hasn’t even called them – all because he doesn’t want to see or hear me.

And well now… now I called a Rabbi. I was curious about the whole Get thing (Jewish divorce) – and the process for getting one (much harder when the woman wants one). I explained to the Rabbi that my ex said to me that the only way he will give me a Get is when I give him the kids. It’s the only card he feels he has over me – the Get. The Rabbi might go and talk to him tomorrow. Not sure it’s a good idea. Maybe it’s still too soon. BUT he won’t listen to anyone, so maybe he’ll have more respect for a Rabbi because he throws Judaism at my face. I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that if he feels cornered by everyone -threatened – that maybe he’ll do something stupid. Maybe next time I sent the kids to him he won’t bring them back (even though the law is on my side) or he’ll start proceedings to get the kids. He is so angry and bitter and hurt that I worry and I’m scared. I love them so much. I want to give them goodness and peace. I want to give them love – love of this country and also of Israel. Love of their faith and culture, but also love and acceptance of others. Love of people. I want to give them the things that he can’t. I want to give them love of reading, even if it’s not in Hebrew. I want to expose them to different experiences and opportunities. I’m not sure he would, because if there is an activity that he doesn’t like or even a show he doesn’t enjoy watching than everyone needs to agree with that/him. If he doesn’t like hockey, neither should our son or daughter, etc.. .You get the drift. I on the other hand am trying to nurture and grow in our son the things that interests his dad and the things that he shared with him while he was here. Things like science fiction, Star Wars, books I know that his dad read in his youth, etc… I even take him to shows like FanExpo, etc… I’m not sure my ex would have done the same for our son – sharing with him things that I was into, that are important to me, if the roles were reversed.

I may not be religious, but I believe that there is something bigger than us out there and if I have to pray every day for him to watch over my kids, make sure they are healthy and good and give me the strength to get through this, then I will. I will do so every day. If my kids ever choose to move -then it will be their decision when they are old enough to make that decision. In the meantime, this is the country in which they were born. This is the country they have grown up in. Their family and friends who make up their anchor are here. Please, please don’t take the hurt, bitterness and anger you have towards me.. don’t take it out on your children. You are… you are doing so without realizing that.

I understand now what it feels like to miss them fiercely and that joy you get when they are finally in your arms. Two months they were away from my arms, my kisses, my hugs. So I know now… but you chose to leave. I understood why you had to go. I hoped that you could find yourself, your happiness there… but instead you chose anger. You chose not to move forward. I’m sorry for that. I hope that in time your sisters will open up your eyes… but talking to you.. it’s like talking to a wall and for me it was like that for many years, our last years together… too many years!

So although I have no regrets – not of loving you, marrying you, living with you and bearing your children. Although I have no regrets of finally saying enough and understanding that there is nothing here to save. Although I am happy, I’m also a little bit sad, worried and scared.

I wish you only well…. but I’m not sure you wish the same for me.

Thanks for listening dear cousin! Hope you are well!

xox

Me

Hi!

I seriously thought, or at least hoped that I came back from Thailand with a clearer head and some perspective. It turned out that was not the case. Having said that, I think I finally had my aha moment last night (at least I hope it’s a start). Something happened last night when we spoke on the phone (we were catching up during one of our infrequent phone conversations). Something shifted inside my head because of a few things you said and expressed. When I saw you 3 weeks ago after I came back from Thailand we were at your apartment waiting for Chinese food to arrive and somehow we made a reference to Fortune Cookies and you said “I’ll be your fortune cookie” to which I replied “no, you are not my fortune cookie!” I felt so empowered saying that at that moment, but truth be told, that feeling went away in the last 3 weeks. During this past three weeks I kept struggling with how I viewed you and how I felt. But I think the tides they are changing :).

Do you remember an email I sent to you back in January? I titled the email “Timing Is Everything… BUT Is It Really?!! Or Is It What We Make Of It!!” Here is what I wrote:

…and NO, we don’t have everything in common… I’m not your TWIN lol… and in truth nor do I want to be because I want you to teach me and I want to learn. I might not like everything that you do or say or think… but I’m open to hear, listen and learn… and who knows… maybe there will be some things that will rub off on me. Maybe some things will stick. BUT there are some interests we do share and things we do enjoy doing together. We enjoy each others’ companies, have fun and have incredible sex ;)!!!

So following our conversation last night, I’m convinced more than ever that the type of relationship we had had to date (because it is A…. TYPE… OF… RELATIONSHIP)… is the only type that we can have. More importantly it’s what we needed – no more, no less.

I deserve so much more than what you can ever give me. You are right A is way more suited to your world and the way your brain works and how you see things and the world! The fact that I believe there is good chemistry between us and I still believe that there is a connection, does not mean that you and I need need to take this any further and explore it further. It just (in all likelihood) means that perhaps we’ll be lifelong friends. We’ll be the type of people who may not talk or see each other for years, but when we do it will be as if no years have passed. We’ll sit somewhere, have a few drinks, catch up, give each other some perspective and go our separate ways.

I don’t want to go into detail as to what you said, but it was as simple as you explaining what you and A have, but more than that, it’s about how you view things and the world. How you view relationships, etc… Although at times you really kind of do suck as a friend, I won’t deny that my experience with you taught me a lot. I love the fact that there are certain things that are so easy with you and that I can truly be myself with you without being judged. But I think I can find that elsewhere. Like you said – no compromises this time around (at least the important ones – beliefs, values, passions).

I also realised that for me to say “I love you my friend” or if you do something cute and endearing, you might hear me say “awe I love you” is truly not a big deal. It’s the same kind of “I love you” I offer to my best friend’s husband. I care about you, I love you, BUT I’ve never actually been in love with you (although my BFF did say that this time when I fall in love it will be different than in my 20s).

I can see my cousin reading this and possibly rolling her eyes (this is almost a 180 from our conversation yesterday). BUT I think I latched onto you because 1) You’re Hot 🙂 2) We have great physical/sexual chemistry  (possibly same as number 1, lol) 3) We have had some good conversations 4) I felt comfortable with you. BUT the reality (which is very normal) is that the thing that made us closer was your injury and my separation and divorce. We listened, we talked, we gave each other perspective and we had fun (which we both really needed). So going back to the beginning of this blog:

1) no… you are not my fortune cookie! and..

2) Our timing was/is exactly as it should be – no more, no less!

Me xx

p.s. … so all I have left to say is:

Hi!

It’s 1:15am and I just came back from watching a movie by myself. First time ever! It wasn’t too bad actually. I was going to email you to let you know that I did that (it’s no biggie for you – it’s something you do frequently). But I stopped myself. I’m trying to stay away from you. From contacting you. Haven’t talked to you since I last saw you two weeks ago. Anyways… this post is not about you!

I miss my babies! It’s weird… I never thought that becoming a mom would define me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I have girlfriends whose life revolves around the kids 24/7 and truthfully, that’s not me. I do need to escape motherhood from time to time. I need to feel like a woman. A beautiful, sexy and sensual single woman and not “mom”. I’m sure I have girlfriends who feel that way too, but I also have some who are happy with a full-time 24/7 mom role. And I’m not judging them.

The point is that now that they have been gone for a month I realised just how much I do miss them. I miss doing things with them and for them. And you know what? I actually do miss being “mom”! Suddenly I feel like hey.. it is who I am… It IS an important part of my identity and it defining (at least part of) my identity is a positive thing. It’s not a bad thing. I don’t think I ever claimed it to be a bad thing, I just felt like it wasn’t really me. But now I realise that we each define parenthood differently – approach it differently. We are all unique mothers and embrace our role differently. We all love our kids! But my “ahah” moment was realising that i actually do miss that mother part of me.  Loving them, taking care of them, doing things with them. Thinking of what to do with them, for them. What to cook and bake for them. Buying them what they need, clothes, supplies, registering them for extra curricular activities, etc….

It’s weird .. that’s why I say that there is comfort in reality. Reality is routine… and sometimes routine can feel very mundane but sometimes there is a comfort in it – especially for kids.. So I don’t know… maybe it’s a new discovery for me, an epiphany – call it what you will.. that I kind of dig this motherhood thing and I miss it! Although I’m sure they’ll come back and after a while I’ll have my moments of “can someone please give me a break and take them for a bit” lol… But it’s nice.. it’s nice to know that I am a mother. It’s kind of a nice validation too! Sometimes you need it from yourself. You know it’s nice to hear it from your own mom “I’m proud of you and I think you are doing a good job”. It’s nice to hear it from your girlfriends -the ones whose words actually mean something. But I guess that sometimes is nice to hear it from yourself. So yeah motherhood rocks – through the ups and downs.. the ups always outweigh the downs. God how I miss them.

Good night!

Me Xx

 

 

 

Hi!

It’s 1:58 am and I should be asleep, but I can’t because I have too much on my mind. I don’t write to you anymore. Instead I write here. My friend said to me “just write! Whether anyone will ever read this blog, doesn’t really matter,  it’s the outlet that you have and need.” Whether you will care enough to ever read this, doesn’t even matter. You know about it – we’ve discussed the different names I had for it. I even asked you for some help with artwork for it, which you failed to help me with. BUT that’s okay. I told you that you will disappoint me and you have and will. My best friend seems to think that even if nothing serious ever happens between you and I that we are friends – that I get that from you – friendship. BUT she is wrong and I don’t want to correct her. A friend would remember and acknowledge my birthday. A friend would reach out from time to time to find out how I’m doing. A friend would care enough to answer my emails (and not with quick one line sentences or I’ll write more later – never to be heard of again). Don’t get me wrong.. when you were sick and in bed, you did. You were even there for me as I was separating from my ex. As I was going through so much in my head, you somehow found the time to write to me (even when you lived with her). BUT now that you live alone, you don’t anymore. I think that you don’t need me anymore. I think that’s what it is. It’s funny, I still think that what you get from me (other than sex) is perspective. We do have some really conversations. But I guess you don’t need me anymore as you have A. “It’s a really weird thing to have so much in common with someone, it’s downright surreal, and very soothing.” That’s how you described your weekend with her to me. And I said to you that I thought it to be a cool description – especially the “soothing” part. You’re happy – well at least as happy as you let yourself be because now you have to figure out your next steps and how you can be with her, live with her or at least be in the same city as her, I guess. So I guess I’m not needed anymore, although you are still happy to have sex with me and the sex we have is pretty incredible. You know (on a side note) the ego in me REALLY hopes that the sex with me is better. I know… stupid… Oh BSG… I’m really trying to do a lot of self talk, but I’m not there yet. My head knows – it knows that I deserve better than you. My head knows that in reality you are not what I need. It understands that we are to each other what we should be or what we needed when this all started. But my heart doesn’t know it just yet. And me… I know that you compartmentalize, so I’m never going to ask you what you feel or how you feel or what I actually mean to you? I doubt I’m in your thoughts/brain much these days… and still it hurts. I enjoyed our conversations, but they are no more! So I seek out other men in the hopes of forgetting about you and so far I haven’t been successful. AND I hate Tinder… I absolutely hate what it does to my brain. These stupid conversations, men who think they can speak with me in a familiar tone too fast, too soon… and the whole process feeling forced and unnatural. I want to meet someone naturally. I will get off of Tinder when my kids come back from visiting their dad. I will focus on them and work. I will try my hand at learning to be single – like my cousin suggested. If I meet someone organically and they ask me out and I’m interested I’ll go for it.

I did meet one 26 year old guy who is pretty cool and intelligent. We’ve had some interesting conversations. He is very spiritual and cares about the health of his mind and body. Wants to study Chinese medicine and maybe even osteopathy. Used to be a personal trainer. Well read kind of guy. In one of our talks I asked him if he’s ever been in love or if he’s ever loved. He said no and wondered what it felt like. I started describing to him what it felt for me to love someone. It’s that person you want to share everything with. You read/hear/see something and you want to tell them about it. You want to talk to them and hear their voice every day. They are always in your thoughts. You see something in a store and you know they would love it (almost want to buy it for them). And then it dawned on me that in some way I was describing you and what you mean to me. But enough! I don’t want to continue and rehash with it’s not to be. What shouldn’t be. I don’t want anymore blog posts about this. I’ll make this my last (I think… I hope). I’ll still write to you, but here and not about you!

Soon, I will give myself a break from all this… and for you?! I wish you happiness my BSG. I want you to go away with/to her. I need you out of my head, my heart, my system.

Me Xx

Do you recall me telling you that I was bored a few weekends ago? I was at home on a Saturday evening with nothing interesting to do, so I decided to create a Tinder profile. It was the weekend she was with you – the weekend she came to visit you. I think I was hoping that I could meet someone on Tinder that would make me forget about you or at least distract me. Not too much to ask, is it?

There are moments I wish I could get you out of my head. I truly do. And the thing is BSG… the thing is that I know you make absolutely no sense in my life as it is right now. And this is not some bullshit romantic comedy where things will suddenly align… The reality is that you can’t handle my life as it is. Maybe one day… 15 years from now… when my kids are out of the house. But not today. And as I told you before, I could die tomorrow… so why wait to take what I CAN actually get from you? So I take what you are able to give and I enjoy it. And yes, sometimes there are tears (on my end of course), and sometimes a little ping in my heart, a little hurt. But never regret. Never with you. Why do I care so much? It’s because first and foremost (at least on my end) – you are my friend! You are the person I want to share things with (even if you are not always available). You are the person I want to come to for advise (about other men, lol). I told you once already… that I’ve grown to care about you. Even love you. BUT I told you not to overthink that statement. I love a lot of people. I can give freely of myself. You are my dear friend, therefore I love you. Common sense, lol.

So far Tinder is not really helping me. It’s actually messing with my brain and emotions (and I know you said that right now, that’s not a something I need or a good combination). I get that. But Tinder deserves a separate post.

So in the meantime, I can’t get you out of my head. I will be at a conference and hear something interesting and I will share it with you. I will talk to you about fascinating tidbits I read in a book or article. I will watch a movie and say to myself “I think BSG is really going to dig this. He will so love/get this humour!” And I will listen to a song that will remind me of a moment in time with you, and sometimes the tears will start. But that’s okay, I’m used to tears, lol.

So for now, and in case that tomorrow never comes… in case I cease to exist sooner rather than later… for now I will take what I can get and what you can give.

Be well my friend. Be happy. And above all, no regrets!

….and yes! One day you may cease being my friend just because of my taste in music 😉

 

It sucks that he is an ass!

Hi! how are you? I promised you that I won’t bother you while you’re away (seeing her). So luckily instead of sending you an email (and yes, I’m a little tipsy), I can do so via this blog. BUT before I get into what this is about, I have to get this off my chest “BSG, you suck, big time!” Seriously? You couldn’t find the time or medium to wish me a happy birthday? Really?!! First and foremost you are my friend – and that was disappointing. You could have done so via email or even Whatsapp – that doesn’t cost money while you’re overseas. Whatever… this is my forum to tell you that you disappointed me, but I won’t say that to you when I see you next month and it’s not like you’re actually going to read my blog. So at least I got this off my chest!

Anyways, back to tonight. It was 9:15 pm and I decided to call it a night and go to bed. I came back this morning from a business trip on the red eye and had limited sleep PLUS, I did think I had plans this evening, but turns out I assumed – and you know what they say about assuming (back to that in a second). I get a message via Whatsapp from this guy I met through Tinder. We were supposed to go out tomorrow but he was wondering if by any chance I was free tonight. Lo and behold, I was. He picked me up and we went out for a drink. As I sat across him and we started talking I realised we have no chemistry what so ever. Someone might tell me that I should give the guy a chance, maybe even go on a second date with him, BUT I’ve had enough experiences to know that it’s either there or not. AND all I could think of is that I wish I was with KLG, but he was an asshole to me today.

I haven’t seen hims since we slept together two weeks ago. He had a cold sore and so he didn’t want to risk it with me (as we have a hard time keeping our hands off of each other). Then I went away on business, so it’s been 2 weeks. We’ve been texting and the way we were going at it via texts, it sounded to me like he wanted to see me as soon as I was back – so I made the stupid assumption that meant the evening I was back. Anyways, I texted him after my birthday lunch date with my cousin and this is how it went:

Me: Hey there sexy!! Sleep well? 🙂

KLG: Hey there sexy!!! How was your trip and your Sangrias?

Me: Trip was good but long. Missed home. no Sangria but the Mimosa was awesome. What are you up to?

KLG: Watching soccer. When are you leaving for your trip?

Me: July X

KLG: Phew

Me: Why? Are we rescheduling?

KLG: Rescheduling….

Me: ????

KLG: I didn’t know we booked something

Me: You didn’t know we were meeting tonight?

KLG: I know you said that you would text me early but you never did. And we’d figure out if we were going to meet. Scroll up!

Me: Don’t worry about it!!

KLG: Seriously, look up

Me: All I said was that we’ll figure out how early you want to see me today. Sorry, I guess I misunderstood and thought we were meeting today. No worries! Enjoy your night!

KLG: How early? You never wrote that. I can meet you later.

Me: KLG, seriously don’t worry about it

KLG: I’m not going to beg you to see me. We never made plans. I just said I can meet you later. And if you want to run off to plan b or c, go for it.

And in my head, I was giving him the middle finger. Seriously?! I don’t need you to beg. I need you to be respectful. I don’t play games. I truthfully thought that you wanted to see me so bad that we were meeting today. BUT that’s your MO – you wait for me to come to you, and for me to make the plans or tell you when we are meeting. No wonder that at the ripe age of 41 you have never been engaged, married or lived with someone. BUT, it sucks. Because as I was on this date tonight, all I could think of is that I would rather be with KLG – as the chemistry (and me wanting to jump him) is so strong!!  And it’s not like I even want a relationship with this guy because he is an ass. And although I did enjoy having sex with him, it wasn’t my best!

And the sad reality is that I have yet to meet that guy with whom I have such a strong connection that I want to call him up and share my day’s anecdotes with.

Unfortunately that guy still remains you, BSG 😦

Me Xxx

Hi!

(Sigh)… BSG what am I doing? It’s 3:20 am and I’m drunk and should really be asleep. Instead I’m emailing you (as usual). I don’t think I’ll be making it to the gym and I hope I make it to the Keynote at 9am.

So… What’s going on? I didn’t realize that Tinder matches based on your real-time current location. I thought that if it knows that I live in City X, it will only match me with people in my area (based on the km range I inputted). Boy was I wrong!

During last night’s reception at a conference I’m attending I was drinking and chatting up with some of the girls I met there. I was telling them about my experience with Tinder and they wanted me to show them the app and explain how it works. Well just as I was about to do that I got a notification that someone Super Liked Me. Well… I don’t get excited about these because to date everyone who has Super Liked Me to date wasn’t my type physically. So I open up the app and swipe left until I get to the guy who Super Liked Me. Well… he was a decent looking guy plus it looked like he had a son and he was my age. So to show my new conference friends how the app worked I actually swiped to the right (so that they could see how the “you’ve been matched” comes up). I didn’t think more of it as most often than not, the men don’t make the first move. Well…. a few hours later as we’re all getting comfortable to enjoy a late dinner at a local favourite I suddenly get notification that – let’s call him SG – has messaged me. So while we’re perusing the menu and making decisions SG and I text one another. Within minutes I realise that he lives in the city where I’m attending my conference. But, he still wants to meet me (the cultural connection that we have attracts him… among other things of course ;)). So I agree to meet him later that night at the hotel’s lobby bar. My new friends are privy to what’s going on and two of the women who are staying at the same hotel as I am offer to have drinks at the lobby bar and keep an eye on me/him to ensure it’s all legit and not creepy

About an hour and a half later we meet for a drink at the hotel’s lobby bar and have a fairly good conversation. Now at that point I had a few drinks (at the reception – but I’ve also been good and had several bottles and glasses of water in between – just as you taught me!). Regardless we have a nice time chatting – trading life stories and he also tells me that he has family where I live. Fast forward about an hour and a half later and we’re in my room making out and well the rest… I’m not going into details. Suffice it to say that I slept with him. But BSG, I don’t regret it, I don’t. He is a nice guy and I did feel comfortable with him… but then again, I was also drunk. I can’t say there was a strong connection… so although I’m not really regretting it (and yes, I did use protection), but I do wonder if I’m going too far?

I know that I’m not being calculating about it! Yes there is this knowledge that plenty of people hook up at conferences, and there was this cute guy I was into there. But when I got this notification from SG, I kind of felt that I should go with the flow and go with this opportunity. It felt like the smarter of “2 evils/sins” lol.

I don’t know… I’m meeting with my cousin this weekend – maybe we can explore my thought process and brain (or lack their off ;)).

Bottom line is that I want to be smart about these experiences. I want to enjoy and embrace them (maybe even learn from some of them), but I don’t want regrets.

When he left he said to me “I will be seeing you again” (in reference to the fact that he does visit my city – to visit his family). And I think I believe him, but we’ll see then if I’ll meet with him. In the meantime, he texted me after he left saying he enjoyed his time with me and then he texted me in the morning asking if he could take me out to lunch. So instead of attending the lunch provided by the conference, I had lunch with him. Again, it was nice. He would be great on paper – good solid guy, passionate about this company/industry (he owns his own business and sounds like he is doing well), ambitious, understands about parenting young kids, intelligent, funny…. BUT, I’m just not sure there is enough chemistry there. Not that it really matters! I’ve done long distance before and once was enough!

Okay… I can’t believe I stayed up this late – I can barely keep my eyes open.

‘night

Me Xx

As I turn off the lights I suddenly become aware of the Shabbat Candles burning on my dining room table. They pull me in… I was about to head up to my room and work out for a bit, but now I find myself at my laptop sitting next to my only source of light this evening, the burning Shabbat Candles. The house is quiet as the kids are sleeping over at my parents’ house. I could have gone out – had tentative plans to maybe go over to friends’ house, but it didn’t pan out. So I decided to stay in and against my better judgment order myself a Meat Lovers’ Pizza and watch the season finale of one of only three TV shows I actually still watch. I don’t have much time to watch TV these days.

Will I regret this post? Will I be too tired to workout by the time I finish this post? Who knows… but the candles… the candles beckon me. The last time I did this was in elementary school when I was 10 years old (today they will not allow this in schools – which is kind of too bad). My teacher had us all place a burning candle on our desks in front of us. She turned off the lights and asked us to write a poem “What Do We See/What Is The Candle Telling Us As We Stare Into Its Flame?” I remember writing a beautiful poem. So beautiful that my teacher asked to borrow it, and to this day I don’t know where it is…. that Summer I moved away!

Today was a mixture of a good day and a not so good day. Not bad… I’m just emotional. This weekend… as much as I don’t want it to be, as much as I try hard to not care, I think it’s going to end up being a little emotional for me. I promised to hopefully give you some perspective, but this is where my perspective is 50-50. And, I’m not ready to share… except to say that it’s about a man, sigh, lol… whichever way you want to roll. So earlier tonight I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor letting the tears flow… and as I’m sitting there crying, pouring everything out of me, my rational side is trying to have a conversation with my not so rational side. How do you think that conversation went? Well here I am!

You know, I once listened to a TED talk about … well about love. We keep saying that we feel in our hearts, but it’s really all in our heads. It’s a combination of circumstance, pheromones and timing. Isn’t it always about timing? (I smile as I re-read this) Well… our timing is all wrong! It’s way off! (sigh)… I read an article recently where a woman said that the first time she met her now husband, there was nothing there – they didn’t really click. BUT (and get this) six months later the chemistry and the connection was definitely there. You see… it is all about circumstance and timing. Maybe for me it will be the opposite. The chemistry and connection is there now… but maybe once I’ll get my shit together… well maybe it suddenly won’t be there. Maybe all we’ll be left with is friendship, and maybe not even that. Damn, maybe I do have perspective (ha ha ha). But it still hurts. You can’t help it – can you? What you feel? How much you feel? It hurts to know that he makes no sense in my life – my real life that is, the one that includes my kids. Yet, we always have a great time when we’re together. But, maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’ve put him (or as he refers to it – “compartmentalize”) in this special drawer that I can only take out when I’m not “the mom”. He is the fantasy that I was able to make a reality, which in essence is still a fantasy! (that’s definitely going to be the title of one of my upcoming posts, lol). Makes sense? I have more to say about this matter (wait for the above title/post :))… but I think that’s enough for tonight. It’s still hard to share.

I will end this post by sharing with you the last conversation I had with my therapist on the matter (what?! don’t judge me… we should all go to therapy!). Usually my sessions are focused on talking about my son and his struggles and needs. But during our last session she said, we’ve talked a lot about your son, I want to know how you are doing? I didn’t expect that. I didn’t really expect that I would talk about “him”. In fact I was stressed going into the session just thinking about my To Do List for that day, that weekend! But I ended up talking to her about “him”. Telling her that sometimes I question my feelings. How do I know if they are real? When will I know? Will there be a moment in time where I would feel that I could rely on myself to see things clearly? To gain perspective? Is it six months from now? Is it a year from now? (Is there really a timeline) And she noticed that at some point as I spoke about what’s going on in my head as it pertains to “him”, that I choked up a bit (I don’t typically cry in my therapy sessions – I usually leave that for home and the bathroom floor :)). I said to her that although I understand that he makes no sense in my reality/ in my life, I seem to tear up (okay sometimes a full blown cry-fest session) usually after spending a few blissful days with him. It’s funny, because what she said to me next, was definitely not earth shattering. It was something I already understood in my subconscious. That perhaps what I’m crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. As I return to everyday “stuff” and say goodbye to the fantasy he represents.

Look… I have no regrets. None whatsoever. We get one life to live, so I’m going to live it. I will take the moments of happy with the moments of pain. Knowing myself, I know there are definitely feelings at play. But more than that…? I do not know! How I long I can do this? I do not know either. Only time will tell. As I navigate this unchartered territory, the truth is that I still don’t know how much I can take and how far I can take this.

Thanks for listening! Good night!

 

I ask my son on our way  home from the hospital! Ah the joys of single motherhood. It’s now 11pm and he is finally asleep and I’m in my bed typing this post. Thirty minutes ago we returned from the requisite visit to the children’s hospital You know the one I’m referring to, right? Where your kid falls and his/her hand or foot hurts and you are going to get it X-Rayed just to be on the safe side. You basically waste the whole evening, because most often than not, it’s nothing… but hey, it was an adventure!

I took the kids to an event at the park this afternoon where they had about 5 different variations of the bouncy castle. My son wanted to do the one that looks like a mountain and you can climb it as if you were rock climbing. And of course like most of the children there, he figured why come down the way I went up? In other words, why climb down when I can just let go and fall. Like most mothers, when he told me of his plan I questioned its intelligence, noting that he could get hurt. He explained that he will fall safely (the way he was taught in Karate) by bringing his arms close to his body and when he gets close to the ground spreading them out. That of course was not the case in the end. In the end he fell on his foot!! So here I am trying to get some sort of an handle on my three year old daughter who is miss independent, has a mind of her own and according to my parents (and I quote) “is waaaaaay more stubborn than I was”… Or was it “you were not as stubborn”?! Does it really matter!! There was some really kind people at the park. One woman offered to watch over my son (once I helped him limp over to a free spot on the grass) as I went off with my 3 year old in my arms in search of a medic. Upon my return to my son there was a nice man speaking with him, assessing how badly he was hurt and whether he also hurt his head (asking him memory type questions). By the type of questions he was asking him and the questions he was asking me I surmised him to be a doctor of sorts. To make a long story short, he suggested that I take him to the hospital to get an X-Ray – always best to air on the side of caution.

BUT first, I have to call my mom. “Mom, can you please meet me at my place and take care of the little one while I go to the hospital… no it’s not serious… don’t worry….” What would I have done without my parents living nearby? Probably dragged my daughter with me! That would have been fun!!

And as we make the long drive downtown (about 45 minutes) – because that’s where the children’s hospital is located I think to myself 1) thank god it’s past rush hour 2) damn I’m missing the event I wanted to go to tonight… but that’s okay… I believe that things happen for a reason and 3) I wouldn’t trade this driver seat for anything in the world!!! And my son is in the back crying because it hurts. Now for the life of me I can’t remember what he said to me at that moment, but I do recall being careful and not saying “I told you so”. Instead I said to him “remember the conversation we had prior to you climbing that mountain bouncy castle? Remember that I told you that you could get hurt?!” To which he replies “I’m really sorry mommy”. To which I reply “I’m not mad at you. I’m not upset. I’m just sad that you are in pain. I want you to realise that you are going to have to think twice before you do something. Your health and your body are most important. Your body is your temple and you’ll need to respect it and take care of it. You will have many temptations in life. Friends will try and convince you to do things. Act on things. You will need to learn to stop and think and not be impulsive.” So… how many of you think that an eight year old would understand the whole “your body is a temple and you need to respect it” blah blah blah thought?! Yeah, I thought so!! BUT my son is very impulsive… so baby steps my friends, baby steps!!

So now we are all tucked in and the last conversation we had before I turned into our driveway was the fact the he thinks God created the world using art. He would put something into the world – a detail and then continue from there – one detail at a time, one brush stroke at a time, until he was done. “So yes mommy, I think God is an artist.” That’s an eight year old for you!

p.s. – is it wrong that I thought the man that took care of my son while I went to get the medic… well… is it wrong that I thought he was good looking? And I also checked to see if he had a wedding ring on. He was surrounded by whom I presume to be his four daughters. No wedding ring… but then again nowadays you just never know ;)!