Hi Cus,

Why does it feel like I’ve used this title already? Probably because it’s not the first time you’ve read these words in my blog? BUT yes! I so need a hug.

I’ve been away on vacation – visiting friends in the East Coast. I’ve had a fantastic time with them and some cool experiences I will share with you during one of our Skype dates… BUT I find that every time I experience something new it also teaches me something about myself (I guess).. then again this could be the 3 glasses of wine I had today…

I miss it! Do you know what I’m talking about? Snuggling or cuddling into that person who tells you that you’re beautiful and amazing and loveable. That person you turn on who turns you on in return… BUT here’s the catcher – wait for it… he’s actually available!!! Right?!!! And I’m not talking emotionally, but actually available to you. And I’m not looking to live with someone or even a serious relationship per say… but for once it would be nice to have that person you can count on for that really really good hug or cuddle. Someone who doesn’t feel guilty for that hug or cuddle because they have to worry about someone else’s feelings or that maybe they are cheating. Someone who is not temporary.

Oh and don’t think for one second that I don’t think that I’m beautiful or f***ing awesome or loveable. It’s not about that. It’s about someone saying it to you that is truly yours. I guess it’s hard really to explain without giving too much away. I guess I just realized some things today and I’m sad because of how they made me feel. And no one set out to hurt me – at least not purposely. And I’m to blame too because I put myself on this path. Then again, you know me… no regrets – just learning experiences, which I welcome and cherish. It just a moment in time that makes me feel a little lonely as I lay in bed here by myself with no one to cuddle with and those strong comforting arms that say “you’re home”.

On a separate note, I may become a nun! Can someone Jewish become a nun? Lol. But seriously I haven’t been on online dating apps in awhile and don’t miss it. And for those restless nights I’ll get myself a book or pull out The Womanizer (google that ;-)) lol… If anyone wants to play matchmaker I’m open to going on a date. But so far they haven’t proved to be that exciting. Yep, no one (available) seems to excite me… Maybe I need therapy! SO I think I’ll try becoming a nun – maybe at 60? I have some time. I do have one great idea (maybe) – join a hot yoga class. I went recently with a friend and I would say the male to female ratio was about 50-50… granted most may be gay… but maybe they have a cute brother or friend, lol…. anyways, just a thought as I did actually enjoy the class and not just the view ;-).

Okay cus… I miss you!! Hope to have a Skype date when I’m back. I hope you’re doing okay too!

xox

Me

Oh… and here’s the flavour of the month #musicthatmakesmefeel

Hi Cous!

It’s Friday night and I’m watching Crazy, Stupid, Love and damn it’s turning me on. Or maybe it’s Ryan Gosling that is turning me on? Or maybe it’s the idea of two people connecting… you know.. when you meet that person you can speak with through the night until dawn?

So don’t judge me, but I was sick this week and tired, and slightly down and lonely so I decided to upload Tinder again. I figured I’ll swipe and see if there are any matches, and if there are any, I’ll just wait and see if the man reaches out (many don’t)… In the meantime two have and one asked if I want to meet next week. And well.. I’m almost tempted to shut it down again, remove it from my phone and disappear without telling them why. Because the truth is I just can’t afford to even go out on dates. Sure, they might pay for the drinks or what not, but parking or taxi or uber still costs money.

I carefully wrote down what I’m bringing in the next two weeks versus what my expenses are and already I’m in the minus – meaning I need to scramble and figure out how to make all these payments and have enough for some groceries and gas (at least until the next pay cheque in 2 weeks time). And it’s only Friday. So you see, I can’t even go out. I shouldn’t even bother signing up for any of those speed dating opportunities I see. What’s the point. And I’m seating on my couch and I’m tired and I’m down and I’m lonely. All I have at night after the kids go to sleep are the movies and characters to live vicariously through.

So the tears are streaming down my face. I’ve been nursing the same headache since Wednesday. And I feel a sense of helplessness except that I know I’m stronger than that. Aha… f*** it! Maybe I should just delete the app and just use my vibe more.  Read more. Bake more. Drink more (okay,  maybe not, lol)… what a pathetic post.. but it is what it is.

‘Night!

Me

Hi Cos! (someone told me that it should be “cos” not “cous”… what do you think? :))

So back in the Summer when I was out dating (had more time as the kids were away) I remember one guy asking me “how are you still single”… well, I was only recently single/officially divorced at the time and what else could I say “it’s not so simple to date when you are a full time single mom with a full time career!” I knew he meant it as a compliment, but I think that the difference between men and women is that women (although it would be nice) don’t feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of… at least the intelligent women I hang out with! (I can’t recall if I told you that one guy said to me that men need to be in relationships).

Anyways, back to the title… the idea of “how are you still single” and “I freeze” kind of goes hand in hand. I keep saying how much I detest online dating. It just doesn’t feel genuine. It feels fake to decide whether you’ll speak with someone based on a picture (and trust me, some men look better in person – and of course vice versa). I keep saying that I would love to meet someone organically. BUT the problem is… <sigh>.. the problem is that I freeze! Here’s an example. My girlfriend invited me out to her friend’s birthday party. She was having it at one of those local downtown pubs (you know.. that cool, divey neighbourhood pub – love those). I had an absolute blast. I basically have the same taste in dance music as her friend and the DJ played my kind of tunes (it was a private party). I had so much fun that night. There was this guy on the dance floor that I’m pretty sure was eyeing me.. we would look at each other/smile from time to time as we were dancing. At some point he even brought his beer to my side of the dance floor and was dancing closer to me. And I smiled and danced and was having a good time, but I guess I was doing something wrong. I guess it wasn’t enough and I gave  off the wrong vibe. In a sense, I just freeze. At the end he moved on to another girl and they seemed to have that fun and flirty conversation at the bar that I wanted to have with him. It sucked! I had an awesome night and I had an opportunity to meet someone organically (it may have not gone past that night, but still….) and I screwed it up!

And now… now I beat myself up about it! I liked his looks. He had a nice smile. In fact, he has a pretty awesome smile. I actually found him on Facebook. Hey, don’t tease me. It’s really easy to find friends of friends on FB by method of deduction. That night I almost friended him after I got home, but I stopped myself. Who knows – maybe he and that other girl did really hit it off past the bar scene. I’m still debating in my head if I should friend him. Argghhhh this is so stupid and annoying and frustrating, because it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time that I freeze or give off the wrong vibe. Yep… a soon to be 40 year old fairly confident woman (well at least most of the time) that suddenly gets shy… maybe I should put that on my profile!

HELP!!!! I don’t know what to do. So yeah… I shouldn’t be surprised if they ask “how are you still single…?!!”

Love you

xox

Me

With a New Year’s Resolution that is? 🙂

Hi Cous! How are you doing? How is 2017 shaping up for you? Then again it’s only January 1. Question – what makes yesterday different from today? So yesterday was the end of 2016 and today is the beginning of 2017. So what? It doesn’t mean that my luck will suddenly change, or that I’ll suddenly break old habits (though I’m trying) or that I’ll even cry any less!

Now that cous, that is a good New Year’s Resolution… “May I shed less tears in 2017…” Good luck with that, lol… Habits, willpower, patterns… all are strong words. Maybe I should tape them to my mirror (or my fridge when I seek that midnight snack ;))… Strong – that’s a word I want and need to live by. I don’t think I’m there yet. I don’t think that my crying so easily makes me weak, but I wish I was stronger. I know that I have better perspective than a year ago. In an effort to cleasne myself from 2016 I’ve deleted contacts from my phone and Facebook, as well as texts and emails. 2016 was a year of experiments – some better than others and with really only ONE regret (and that doesn’t really have to do with men… oh wait, it has to do with my ex – starting the process of getting that damn Get….). I guess not bad considering the things that I’ve done and the lessons learned (such as I like the buzz I get when I drink a little, BUT I do not like feeling sick from too many shots of scotch and $150 Uber charge later… well.. you know the rest… at least I know it will never happen again = lesson learned!!). I also learned to try and read parking signs a bit better, lol.

As for men dear cous… I’m going to leave that for my next post ;)….

And even though I’m not sure what makes 2016 so different from 2017, here is my wish: let it be a healthy one for my family and I; let it be calmer and less stressful financially (please… as I would really like to keep this house… it does feel like home); let us be a little bit happier, sillier and wiser; let us share in and make more happy memories (than not) and most of all let me not screw this up = #motherhood!

In the meantime, I’ll dedicate this one to the both of us… I hope I haven’t used it in any of my previous posts.

I love you cous!

Me xox

Hi Cous!

How was your Chrismukkah? Mine was fantastic… especially now that my ex is no longer in the vicinity… Did you know that when we were married I felt like I couldn’t breath the whole month of December?! Every step or decision had to be carefully calculated… Do I venture out with the kids to the mall or watch a movie? Do I turn on the radio? What can I watch on TV? It was suffocating. I was even worried about driving at night with the kids because god forbid they would see Christmas lights on every other house. YES, he was that depressed, annoyed, negative around Christmas time because god forbid his kids knew about Christmas. For F sake – I love the lights and I love the season, doesn’t make me want to put a tree in my house and suddenly celebrate a Holiday that is not mine to celebrate. I mean seriously!!

Anyways, when he left and moved back home – I actually felt such a relief… Everyday is a relief. Buying my son books in English is a relief. Listening to songs in English or sharing with him my love of different artists who sing in English is a relief (because pretty much for the first 6 years of his life everything had to be in Hebrew). Look, for me too it’s important that both kids speak our mother tongue and I’ve met many others who ensured that for the first years of their lives, their children were exposed to everything from books, music, movies, etc.. in their mother tongue and it works. BUT I also find that if we’re too narrow minded and too restrictive our children can go the opposite way. I would rather my son love to read in a language he feels comfortable in than not read at all. I too prefer reading books in English than in Hebrew – it’s easier for me even though I can read well in Hebrew. So now it’s fun for me when I find comic-book type books at Walmart for 40% off that I can buy for my son knowing that these are the books he would pick up (when I’m not looking) and actually read :)!

Anyways, the title doesn’t match this first paragraph… BUT it’s the Holiday Season.. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and  soon New Year’s… and so the TV (and Netflix) is full of Christmas type romantic movies – the kind I couldn’t really watch next to my ex back in the day! The kind I used to enjoy watching before we lived together. I’m finding myself watching more and more romantic comedies. What’s interesting is that I stayed away from these in the last year (maybe the cynic in me?)… but now suddenly I’m watching them again…  You know what cous… it’s not so much whether I’m a believer, it’s that I would so love that… In one of the movies the guy whose parents have been married for 40 years tells the woman (whose mom has been married 5 times) that it’s not the getting married that is important it’s the staying married. He said it more eloquently – but it’s about two people who are committed, are partners, have each other’s backs, love each other… And I wonder.. I still wonder, is that possible. In another movie they talk about that friendship post the passion -it’s the love that comes out of that friendship that makes it last. So I watch these movies and I wonder – am I a romantic or am I a cynic. Most importantly, I’m trying to figure out who this 2.0 version of me is truly is. Will the person I meet be enough, or will I keep going back to and/or wanting “him” if/when the opportunity presents itself? That’s the question that really bothers me <sigh>… #TheMillionDollarQuestion

And the bottom line is that I’m a tad lonely… but I refuse to get back online for dating purposes. For a few reasons: 1. I do want and need to focus on the kids; 2. I have to focus on work/my career – can’t screw that up; 3. Financially, I really can’t afford to go on dates/pay a babysitter; and 4. Well.. .it just screws up with your brain and I need to focus on item 1 & 2… Of course there’s this whole #IReallyDetestOnlineDating -even if it’s the norm and even if I read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari ;).

BUT… I do sometimes wonder what the next chapter of my life will look like. Will I meet someone now or only when the kids are older and out of the house (if they will ever leave lol.. because nowadays I hear they don’t – or they do and come back ;))… My BFF said that this time around #FallingInlove is going to look different… I’m still not sure what that means. There are some people who merge two families to become a blended family. Some single moms meet men without kids and then they have a kid together. And some single moms just go on countless dates and have a relationship here and there, but nothing concrete/real. I have enough confidence to know that I have so much to offer, BUT, I also have 2 kids which makes it a bit more challenging on the other side of the fence (especially as I’m a full-time single mom). Then again, I would only want a man who could handle that, and want the whole package and it would seriously be nice to meet a guy who is financially sound (that would be refreshing)…. but most of all, I miss someone to talk to – I miss a best friend in a guy type of someone (that kind of relationship I had in the beginning with my ex…)… I think it would be just seriously nice to meet a guy to hang out with (outside of my group of friends, not someone who is in a relationship, etc…).

So for now I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through these movies

xox

Me

Hi Cous!

It was wonderful to see you on Friday and I so cherish our moments together. You’re such a wise and beautiful person. Thank you for listening and for your input!

You mentioned that I haven’t written in a while and you are right… I’m just so exhausted at the end of the day – physically and emotionally. I just re-read some of the posts I’ve written in the past and I’m not sure much has changed. I still cry every day. Am stressed at work as I don’t feel like I’m getting everything that I need done. Stressed financially and emotionally and continue to raise my voice at the kids (in all fairness, the youngest one has a mind of her own and thinks its funny not to listen to me…) I feel like I’m sucking as a mother, sucking at work… at least that’s what it feels like at times.

I texted you a few days after our conversation with a question. I asked whether you believed what I said when I spoke about him?! You wrote back: “Yes!… And no… I’m giving your feelings the benefit of the doubt… I think you’re almost there.”Am I? Sometimes I’m not so sure… It was tough to come back to Toronto. I’ve been emotional ever since. Those two nights I spent with him were absolutely… just really good! I felt so free… we talked and had sex, watched some Netflix, drank, smoked, had more sex, ate delicious pizza, more sex and more talk. I felt free and sexy and sensual… I just feel like I can be my true self around him and it feels so comfortable to spend time with him.

AND then I stumbled upon an earlier blog post. In it I shared with my therapist that I seem to have these crying fests after spending a few blissful nights with him. She said to me that perhaps what I’m really crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. She is right on that count. But what about the other side of the coin? That I do enjoy being with him? Look, you know that my brain knows that he is not what I need right now (nor am I what he needs right now). So do you think I’ll meet someone with whom I’ll find that good balance? Good conversation and good chemistry/attraction/sex? I texted him once with that question. I was reading a fiction book and in it the couple (obviously) seem to have this perfect balance, so I asked if that’s possible – if he has that with Her. I didn’t ask about us – I wasn’t (even subconsciously) trying to bring “our thing” into this conversation. You know what he wrote back? That yes, they have a multi-level connection. BUT he also added that that balance does exist – and that we are prove of that. I’m not sure what to make of that – so I’ll do what he does and compartmentalize it, lol.

Do you think it will get better, easier when he leaves? He will be moving overseas probably in June to give his relationship with Her a shot. BUT you know what he said to me? That he plans on being in the city once a  year for his annual pilgrimage  with his buddies for the conference they attend. So wait… does that mean that once a year I get to see you/be with you (at least for that one night)?

… I’m trying… really trying to let go… but it’s tough when I feel like he does seek me out for some things (and I’m not necessarily talking about sex – there I’m pretty much the instigator)… and says or does things that confuse me (when I think that I’m making some progress in my head)… Forget it… it’s probably my head… overthinking and over analyzing things…

So.. this was a good post.. nothing solved! As per usual/my life, lol….

‘night cous!

xox

Me

Hi!..

Sounds harsh? Maybe a little.. but the fact is that a true friend would reach out to me outside of work related stuff, and outside of work hours! Because sure, at work you’re there for me. You reached out to me following a conference call we had with our boss when you felt like she was ripping me to shreds and I couldn’t defend myself (although in hindsight, she was right and I knew it… but I was exhausted and I’m trying, really trying to get my footing again). But yes, after the call you reached out and tried to cheer me up and blah blah blah… BUT outside of work… you’re not there… You never ask “so how are you?” or “how are you doing” or “what’s new?” BUT you pretend to care ( I do sometimes wonder if you truly care or how much I actually mean to you/how much our friendship – if there is one, means to you). For example, I told you some things about someone who is interested in me, and you immediately decided (based on that information) that he is not for me. You did sound a little overprotective, which was cute. Oh don’t worry, I don’t delude myself to believing that you are jealous, HA!

I type this in between putting the dishes away, washing more dishes, making …OH look at that, my three and a half year old is sliding down the stairs on her bum at 10:48 pm … she is so sleepy, but poor thing, her bum hurts. So I took her back to her room and put some cream on her bum, and hopefully it will help her… BUT how did she know I needed a hug? How do they know. Before I continue I have to tell you what happened five years ago (I will never forget that), when my son was about three years old. That day five years ago, I spent pretty much the whole day reading the book Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay (on the way to work, on my lunch break, on the way back from work and as soon as I put my son to bed). Here is the book’s synopsis:

Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten year-old girl, is brutally arrested with her family by the French police in the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup, but not before she locks her younger brother in a cupboard in the family’s apartment, thinking that she will be back within a few hours.

https://www.amazon.ca/Sarahs-Key-Tatiana-Rosnay/dp/0312370849

Well, at the time I was reading the book, my son was the same age as Sarah’s brother that July of 1942, so of course it was an extra hard read for me . I remember lying on my stomach facing my bedroom door, which was slightly ajar. I was nearing the end of the book discovering along with Sarah her brother’s faith, and bowling my eyes out  in the process. As if on cue (I remember it was around 11:45pm) my son comes out of his room. It’s as if he knew that at that exact moment I so needed to hug him. Hug him fiercely as I cried for Sarah’s brother. So yeah.. sometimes these beautiful little monsters 😉 …. they just know when we need that hug or “I love you Ima” or “let’s do the breathing technique together” or “I know you’re having a tough day.” They are just so darn smart!!

SO back to tonight. It’s already 11:06pm and I still need to finish washing the dishes, prepare the salad dressing for tomorrow (for a family brunch), bring up (from downstairs) the extra leaves for my rustic wooden table that I want to clean with some mineral oil before I go to sleep AND I want to finish folding the laundry…OH and I did want to do some ab exercises… oh well… and just this morning I looked in the mirror and actually saw bags under my eyes… well I guess that’s what 6 hours of restless sleep gets you I guess. Gotta love my BFF though.. she said that I’m still gorgeous :)…

So it’s now 11:46pm and I did everything except fold the laundry – just too exhausted right now. When I started writing this entry it was because I had all these thoughts swirling in my head as I was putting the dishes away… but now I’m too tired to bring them to the surface… so I guess you’ll have to stay tuned for the next entry to figure out the point of this one… I will leave you with one clue… it’s about “patterns”. That’s something you are into, right? Finding those patterns…

‘night!

Me

Hi!

I don’t know if you know, but this has been one of my worst months and it’s not even over yet. I find myself crying almost every day, raising my voice at my kids almost every day, showing them my frustration and just being a wreck!

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. BUT what I’m most tired of is the crying… I mean, what’s the point? Actually most importantly, is What the F am I teaching my kids? I just feel like all I do (when I’m not at work) is stand in the kitchen and prep, cook, feed, wash dishes and organize. Grocery shopping, laundry, clean the house (even though I now have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks). I’m also cleaning after the kids even though I probably should start having them help me out. At eight and a half and three and a half they should be able to put their toys away, etc…

My eldest is actually having a better year at school (last year was tough, not only does he have ADHD, but his dad and I separating and than his dad leaving – moving back to his birth country). So I don’t want to ruin it for him because he sees me like that. It would break my heart. He still goes to therapy and we are seeing a naturopath – going the natural route for medication and such. It seems to be helping him. He even brought me a bottle of water as I was putting his sister to bed and when I left her room he wanted to do the breathing technique that his therapist taught us, but I just couldn’t. I actually told him “I can’t right now”…. I had to continue crying – let it all out!

My youngest is the one who just doesn’t seem to listen to me this year. She does what she wants. And she is so much fun. She has so much personality and is such a clown and we all love her. BUT it’s so hard with her this year. She also has Celiac so I’m slowly changing our kitchen and looking for recipes that are gluten free (I prefer baking snacks for her than buying them).

And I also have an International Student living with us. It’s not easy. It’s not him – he is only 15. BUT still, it’s not easy to have an extra person there hearing me raise my voice and I’m still on edge hoping I won’t do anything that would piss him off – ’cause he could say to the Homestay organization that he wants another family. And right now… right now I could use the money.

BUT in all honesty, I think it’s my job that worries me. I’m absolutely petrified of losing my job -and I love my job and the people I work with. I love the flexibility of working from home or not exactly working 9-5 (I can work after the kids go to sleep). I have a new boss. She started in April. I feel like I’m disappointing her and not living up to her expectations or the expectations of my position – at my level. She is different than my previous boss and I do welcome it. I need the challenge that she provides – the accountability and the changes she seeks to make. I think all of those are good. BUT my brain, my brain is not at full capacity. I’m disappointed at myself and my abilities. I want so badly to do better but I feel like I’m out of touch with my industry and I don’t have the time to learn – I just have the time to do and react. It’s Saturday night and it’s 8pm. Once I put my oldest to sleep I still need to finish to clean the kitchen and the living room (my nephew, niece and a friend were here this afternoon and I get to clean up after everyone). Then I have laundry to fold and more to do AND I have work to do. I actually can’t put my feet up and veg in front of the TV. I need to work. I’m worried… I don’t know how long I can do this.

AND the thing is… please understand, I’m absolutely NOT feeling sorry for myself. I love my kids, my family and friends, my job. I’m so blessed in so many ways… It’s just that right now, I just can’t seem to find my footings and I think I’m just so scared of losing it all. Of screwing up even more. I don’t know what to do and I’m so f**ing tired of crying.

Me

Hi!

Once again I REALLY should be asleep by now! It’s not that late – only 11:16pm, but tomorrow is Monday and today I paid for going out last night for a friend’s birthday and getting really drunk. Came home at 5am and woke up at 8am because I was expecting the cleaning lady at that time. So 3 hours of sleep and one hangover later… I should have been in bed as soon as I put the kids in bed… BUT I needed to unwind a bit so I watched Masters of Sex (but that my friend is a post for another time :))!

So yes, I’m exhausted and should really close my eyes and go off to sleep, but I need to write. More than that I guess I need to see my stupidity written out – in black over white! We went out for a light dinner and some drinks and followed that up with some dancing and more drinks. My friend kept feeding me drinks and I of course accepted, and therefore paid for that pretty much all day today. My cousin told me that the best cure for a hangover is to drink… BUT when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t fathom having another drink. Instead I drank some water, took an Advil and drank some coffee. The kids slept over at my mom’s house and I asked her to meet me at their dentist at 10am. On the way to the dentist I went to the local bakery, got myself a buttered bagel and stopped at the gas station for some Gatorade. That helped a bit until I was able to crash for a nap after putting my little one down for a nap at around 1:30pm…

BUT I digress! So why stupidity? Why lonely? Because unfortunately I have a tendency of sending stupid drunken texts to guys, which YEP… I did last night. So of course there is the embarrassment factor, but there is also the “shit, I don’t want to bug you/burden you because of this need I have…and well because really… at the end of the day.. if I want to analyze why I’m doing this… well.. it’s because I’m lonely… factor.” <sigh>

I’m so blessed with my kids and the amazing people in my life – my family and my friends (and yes, even my colleagues)… but it’s hard.. it’s just so hard and financially too it’s been getting a little stressful, except that if I let myself dwell or think about it too much, I’m just going to start hyperventilating (I had to ask my Best Friend for a small loan to cover my daycare cheque that is due tomorrow). My ex is giving me peanuts as child support (F***… I just don’t want to go there right now).  And the thing is that I don’t have time to be lonely or feel lonely. I have two kids who need me and a job and so many other responsibilities that I don’t even have the time or energy to play this stupid dating game (or even much money for a babysitter right now). Not much money to do stuff with the kids. I mean my Best Friend said something to me  that I think is pretty smart “when I meet that guy, it won’t feel like a burden.”  Anyways, the bottom line is that I MUST STOP these stupid drunken texts just because I’m feeling lonely (well and of course I’m drunk and my judgement is not that great at that moment). No more! That’s it! Enough! That’s probably why I wasn’t like this in my late teens and through my 20s and most of my 30s. I didn’t want to get drunk because I was worried about not having control. It’s funny, I know that I’m drunk and I do my very best to be careful in terms of what I say and share. It’s like I can see myself and hear myself talk, and I try really hard to stop myself from saying certain things. BUT… I guess I need to try harder. I don’t want these guys to judge me or judge my character based on that one moment. It’s not at all who I am 99.9% of the time.

I don’t understand though why I feel so lonely. I do have great people to talk to – like my Best Friend and my Cousin (you? the Jury is still out about YOU).

There is an ache in my heart (well really it’s my brain.. but we like to say heart). I miss having that person you want to share everything with. You know? About your day, and something funny happened on the way to… and thoughts… and talk about things I read or saw. Maybe someone to share some of the burdens with and lean on. That person who will have my back and support me (at least emotionally).  I think I’m so lonely because I’m having a hard time believing it will happen. For a bunch of reasons really. How attractive is a single mom with 2 young kids to someone? Especially since I have them full time (at least 10 months of the year AND there is no guarantee they’ll visit their dad again next summer.. with everything that is happening and things that he is saying). I also don’t really have much time to date or to give to someone else. I have an ex who right now is making me very nervous and worried because of things that he is saying (i.e. if he hears that I am seeing someone). I mean, it just feels so very complicated. Maybe it’s not, maybe it’s just me making it so. BUT my life is so full right now between the kids, work, family, friends, house, the finances… My shoulders just feel so very heavy. So maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. You know.. you watch one too many movies, you see people in love and kissing passionately and you want that for yourself. You want to feel like that again. So there is an ache in my heart and it hurts!!

Okay… my brain is not at full capacity. My eyelids are heavy. It’s time for bed.

I’m just so so lonely… sometimes!

Me

Hi!

It’s 12:48 am and I really should be asleep (I’m going to regret this tomorrow). I just saw the movie The Rebound with the stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones who plays a beautiful, sexy 40-year old single mom of 2 (or as a guy in the movie refers to her #milf). She falls in-love with a 25 year old guy who is utterly romantic and is head over heels in-love with her. They start a relationship, but due to certain circumstances (I don’t want to give too much away) they go their separate ways. She basically tells him to go and experience the world, travel, etc… They meet up 5 years later and of course the connection is there and it’s happily ever after… blah blah blah (#barf)…

…and it’s only a movie…and it shouldn’t affect me, right? It’s funny, as I watched it I realised that I saw it already, but I guess that now it actually resonates with me. Now it actually hits home. BUT… really? Will I seriously meet a guy in his 20s who would be so into me that he would want an actual relationship with me? He would actually (maybe) even want to have a kid with me (yes… I guess I’m still open to that). I have guys in their early 30s who are not interested in serious relationships. They just want a nice fuck from time to time. I’m not saying that I’m specifically looking for a 20 something year old. BUT I find myself gravitating towards younger men and I find them being attracted to me. It’s probably because they see me as as #milf and nothing more.

It’s funny, you recently said to me “it must be nice to be free”… But am I really? YOU are free… You have nothing to hold you back or tie you down where you live!