Damn… why do I feel the need to write, to share to explore what’s in my head so much? Maybe it’s therapeutic… Maybe I like words… Maybe by writing this out I’ll be able to form a conclusion??

Something happened that faithful day when I told my husband I was leaving him two years ago. The floodgates of my true self suddenly opened. Of course once he actually left the house and the country, I was finally able to be the person that I wanted to be. Because you see… I lost myself in my marriage. So once he was gone… suddenly I was able to do and experience everything more freely… Not only that, I found myself being so much more open to seek out experiences… open to try things…

Those who knew me in my childhood actually said to me “welcome back.” Those who knew me in my marriage said to me “so the handcuffs are finally gone?!” Not that my ex was abusive, but… you know when they say “choose your battles” in a relationship? I kind of stopped battling. I kind of lost my voice… in certain areas of my marriage, not all. I do pride myself for being a fairly articulate, confident and strong person. However, once I uttered those words and once I actually left, something amazing happened. I blossomed… or so I was told. People would say to me that I look amazing, beautiful, happy… (with the caveat “that I was always pretty but something was different). How do you explain to them that it’s called divorce? In essence it felt like i shed my skin and reclaimed who I once was. And maybe that’s why to some I seemed even more beautiful – it’s that beauty that comes from confidence and feeling strong. A beauty that comes from being true to yourself and being authentic.

I remember that my best friend’s nickname for me when I turned 17 was “Barbooronchick” – translated from Hebrew it means Swan. At 17 I suddenly became a swan… people would notice me and tell me how pretty I was, BUT also that my beauty shone from within (which trust me, I appreciated way more).

Some of my high school girlfriends will probably tell you that I look more beautiful today than I did in high school. Again – it goes back to what I wrote a few lines up. And you know what, I would rather look good today than back then, because I think I’m a better, wiser and more confident person today, so I probably appreciate the compliment more (especially when someone shaves 8-10 years from my age, lol).

So what’s the true point of this post? Yesterday I went out with a childhood girlfriend of mine (one of the girlfriends who said to me welcome back). We were meeting friends of hers at a restaurant – a guy and a girl. I knew of the girl as I follow her on Instagram – she has a great sense of style, is a fashion blogger and I love her photos. As soon as we go into the restaurant she gets up and greets me with “You’re so beautiful!” WOW I didn’t see that coming. Coming from a beautiful woman like her, that felt like a true compliment. Coming from men… I’m not so sure anymore. I assume anyone under the age of 30 just wants to fuck me (sorry to be so blunt) because they see me as a MILF (then again, I’m sure over the age of 30 feel the same too, lol). I won’t lie to you, it is flattering when someone compliments me (it would be flattering for anyone). But it’s kind of getting frustrating too. I see how men look at me (the truth is I’m still kind of weird it out by it. I think I’m attractive, but not sure what the fuss is about). And I get it all – you’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, you’re hot,  etc…

BUT… and here’s where my frustration stems from… Lately when I’ve been with guys, once they see past the looks and get to know me… I’m getting something else… You’re special, you’re awesome, you’r a prize, you’re a gem…. Every time a guy says that to me it brings me down a notch because I think… well then… why haven’t I met a guy that sees that and wants that? Thank you Mr X for seeing that… I know I’m pretty awesome and not because I’m full of myself. Simply because I do know I have a lot to give and when I truly like someone (or eventually love someone) I truly give it all – my emotions, my encouragements, my affection and all those little gestures to show this person how much I care for him. It’s just so frustrating to hear it from men (and I believe that the specific men who have said this to me were genuine in expressing that)… so why oh why… do I feel like I’m not good enough to fight for? To want to be with? Is it me? Am I attracting the wrong men?

For once it would be nice to meet a man who says to me “Yes, I think you’re beautiful and sexy, but beyond that I think you have a beautiful soul and I want to spend time with you because I’m into you both physically and intellectually. I like how you make me feel when we’re together and I want more of that. I want to make you feel as special and important as you make me feel. I want to invest time in you/in us”. And no, it doesn’t have to be verbatim, lol. BUT do you get where I’m going with this. I agree that being attracted to someone physically is important,chemistry is important and sex is important. But so is friendship, trust, respect, laughter… I guess that the bottom line is that I hope to some day meet that person who wants me beyond that “you’re beautiful”…