Yep! I’m not sure what to title this… My brain feels like there’s a tornado or maybe it’s a hurricane of thoughts within it. Was just about to title this Hurricane X… but I don’t want to disrespect everyone that has suffered through the various natural disasters and hurricanes that has plagued our world; Hurricane Irma most recently.

The kitchen is a mess and so is my dining room/office and so is my head/brain. I have so many things I want to write about and share and I don’t know where to even begin. Each requires a dedicated post. I feel the need to write, but I’m exhausted. From work and single motherhood (and it’s only the 2nd week of school, lol). My son didn’t have a good day today and had a few bad hiccups at school recently (again.. .it’s only the 2nd week of week…) and my daughter doesn’t listen – she laughs at me (it’s not from a mean place, I think she thinks that she’s being funny, a clown, an entertainer), she can be a little rude, she runs ahead of me when I tell her to stay near me and she’s only 4… well almost 5, but still (BIG SIGH)… So I had it tonight. I’m supposed to not only give her boundaries but teach her she can’t behave like that towards me. So I took her straight to bed after dinner – no dessert and no story time. She screamed and yelled (WAIT… isn’t that the same thing… oy my brain)… she cried. I tried to explain why I was doing that – how her behaviour made me feel, that is unacceptable -knowing full well she probably didn’t yet get it, at almost 5. So I just sat on her bed and let her cry and scream until she had enough.

Then of course my own tears started. Will I survive this? Single motherhood on my own? Will I do okay by them? Will me leaving their dad screw them up later on – if/when they’ll start asking questions and digging. I can only imagine that conversation. “Yep, you can stop loving someone.” Nope, I will never stop loving you, my children. Why? Ask me that once you become a parent!” “No, I don’t regret leaving your dad.” “Well why should I get married if people just get divorced?” Anyways… I sometimes have these conversations in my head -anticipating their questions. In the meantime I know that they know I love them. I know they love me too. BUT will they remember all the times I say “I’m not an ATM” and “I can’t buy you everything you want” and “I don’t have money”. I want to be able to give them stuff and what I think is important are swimming lessons as opposed to stuff! BUT even swimming lessons, guitar lessons, karate lessons… all that is piling up – the cost of that, plus the cost of therapy that I need to consider for my son. He’s angry and frustrated and can’t express why. His therapist is unwell, so he’s on a break now, but I don’t want to look for anyone else – he established a trust and built a rapport with her. She hopes to be well in a few more months. In the meantime, I’ll need to figure out other solutions to help him. One solution was no electronics for 48 hours (games, tv, etc) and we went to the library right after karate and he got about 5 books, which he will have lots of time to read. That’s another thing I’m going to do more this year = LIBRARY. I’ll admit that I do like to buy him books – mostly when it’s a series I want him to have the whole series. BUT mommy needs to find ways to save… so library it is! I did purchase the full Harry Potter Series for him last year. He’ll get it for his 10th birthday in the new year.

I feel like I’m all over the place with this post. I feel like I still have so much more to say and write, but I’m kind of feeling spent right now. Maybe I’ll take a break and do my own reading and then tackle the dishes, the dining room, work and maybe do a bit of core workout.

BUT yes… sometimes I get really sad and teary eyed and worried that I don’t screw this up – raising my beautiful kids. I also get teary eyed wondering if I’ll continue to do this alone (don’t get me wrong, as I mentioned in previous posts, I have amazing support from family and friends)… on a day like today when I get an email from school about my son’s behaviour and he behaves rudely to me I wonder.. will I be able to bring a man into their lives. Is it selfish of me to want to find love? Oh F… I’m too exhausted to think right now. I’ll go read.

‘Night

 

Hi!

So… I met up with you this past weekend! We had drinks and some munchies before you had to meet a friend for a late movie (one in which he was involved/produced and you did some creative for him). Everything I’m typing here I already wrote as I took the subway home after we met. Poured everything into my Notes App.

I truly believe that I’m in a good place with you. I’m happy for your own journey overseas, the relationship you’re in that suits who you are, etc.. I’m also happy that we’re still friends and that you did reach out and take the time to see me while in the city.

As I mentioned above, I wrote all of this while on the subway. I decided to take the subway and order an Uber from the last station as opposed to taking one from downtown. It was nice outside and I wanted to walk for a bit. If I didn’t have my heels on I would have walked longer, but my feet were killing me (the early part of my day was spent with my son – our annual mommy and me special day at a Comics/SciFi Convention – which involved lots of walking). The subway trip is important to mention. I figured if I’m on the subway where there’s no WiFi, there’s less of a chance of me drunk texting “you know who”. I could feel the tears in my eyes… but luckily I was sitting in a subway car full of people, which somehow kept me from crying.

I took an Uber on the way to meet you. While sitting in the car I was going through my photo album and I stumbled upon a picture he sent me once when we were texting. I miss his eyes and his smile. His kissable lips. But I know… deep down I know that I have no choice and that I’ve made the right call. It’s been two years since my separation. More than a year since I’ve been officially divorced. Enough time has past  – enough time to live and learn. Plenty of opportunities to do stupid things like send drunken texts. I’m past those! I’m just sad and emotional, but I know that I deserve to be chased and that I have to be strong. Hence, I won’t reach out to him. BUT I also won’t be quick to get back onto those dating apps. They make me nauseous (that’s going to be my next Blog Post I think “Online Dating Makes Me Nauseous!”).

I need time! I don’t want to insult myself or him (and my feelings) by being so quick to do that. But.. I guess that eventually I should get back on them. That’s what this book I’m reading is hinting at. It’s not about online dating, lol, it’s about The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck (by Mark Manson). According to the book I’m allowed to feel pain and hurt, but if I ignore those feelings and not do anything about them, then I’ve learned and gained nothing. It’s okay to hurt and to feel pain, but I need to continue putting myself out there… in the hopes that one day there will be a glimmer… that one day the stars will align for me and the right timing/connection will occur (on both sides).

BUT not yet. Not just yet… please! I felt too much with him!

It’s interesting… you asked me what would be the purpose of texting him, what will it give me? Honest truth? Nothing really! It’s not like we’ll have flirtatious back and fort texts or that I’m going to share how my day was – the stress at work or daily challenges with my kids. Not because he doesn’t care, simply because his head, his heart… the’re not truly into it. He has so much shit to deal with right now… and like he said, he can’t give me what I want, need, deserve. I’m just lonely… but I said that before… so blah!

I will say that in the back of my head I do hope/wish that I’ll have an opportunity to explore “this” with him… whatever “this” is. I’m interested in him… I’m into him… I’m attracted to him… and I would love to find out what it would be like to be with him/date him when he’s “normal” so to speak. When everything he is going through now is behind him. What kind of a person will he be then? I’m curious!

I do love your baking analogy (then again, you do love my cookies, lol). You compared him to raw cookie dough. Saying that right now he might just be too much raw cookie dough for me.  And I quote you “as a cookie expert, you know baking takes time, and you get committed to the outcome, which might not always be great.”  Then when we spoke about online dating and setting up my profile you said I have to be very clear as to how I present myself and compared it to PPC (of course you would). It’s all about long tail key words, which are more targeted than saying “I’m Here To Meet Someone.” I should really say “I’m Here To Meet Someone Who Is Interested in Dating Me Exclusively.” Or something to that affect, lol. Gotta love your PPC analogy. He actually said to me that he wants to write my profile for these apps. Here is the intro that he wrote “I’m a fun loving easy going person. Looking for that “right” connection.”

I gotta love you guys… being so helpful with my dating life. Telling me that “I have faith in you, you’ll be fine” or “you will find it with someone great. I have no doubt” or “don’t change for anyone. Your’e great the way you are.” Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my mouth? From where I’m standing it’s you men who seem to have it so much easier dating and meeting women. When I get on these goddamn apps half the time even if there’s a match the guys don’t initiate or respond… but again… a post for another day!

Don’t worry I have faith in me too! Not as it pertains to dating or meeting someone – that’s all f**ing screwed up. I just have faith in me period! But…. sigh…. that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m lonely!

xox

Me