Notice I didn’t say growing old… but instead I said growing up ;-)! I’ve had a lot on my mind ever since coming back from visiting my friends in the East Coast, BUT, I decided that today I’m going to take a break from the heavy stuff and talk about a lighter subject matter (at least in my opinion).

Guess what? I’m growing up! In fact, I just celebrated my 40th birthday… well, about a month ago (minus a few days). I was feeling kind of blah in and around the days leading up to and following my birthday. Probably because I didn’t make any huge plans to REALLY celebrate it. Figuring I’ll celebrate later (maybe Vegas with the girls) or not! Then I thought to myself… why does it really matter? Last year I went to Thailand just after my 39th birthday, so maybe next year I’ll do something special for my 41st. Why does it really matter if I do something epic on the big 40?

I think that what’s more important than that are my everyday experiences. Everyone says to me “Life Begins at 40” or “My 40s were my best year”… I don’t sit here with a glass of wine (although I really should ;-)) and really dig deep or reflect about what I want out of my 40s etc… What I am realizing however is that I’m way more open to what life brings my way. I’m open to trying new things – whether it’s food, drinks, experiences or activities and I love that. I also find that I’m way more confident, don’t give a shit and don’t need BS in my life.

I have so many examples I can share with you… but for now, let’s stick to these:

1. I wasn’t much of a drinker in my 20s. In fact I really started to drink and actually enjoy drinking in my late 30s. Personally I think it’s more fun and enjoyable today. Again it goes back to that confidence – I’m doing it for myself because I either enjoy the taste and yes, even the buzz (and let’s not even start talking about drunken sex – #WOW) but also because I don’t need to impress someone or succumb to peer pressure. In fact (as my dear cousin pointed out) had I had my Scotch experience in my 20s, I may have been stupid enough to try it again. Doing it last year at the ripe age of 39…well that my friends, was a “Once Is Enough Type of Experience” :D. I’m sure you’re wondering about that #scotchexperience… you’ll just have to come back again for that post ;-).
2.  Last year when I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand I went Zip Lining for the first time. I was excited, apprehensive and scared all at the same time. BUT even with all of these emotions swirling in my head, I couldn’t wait to do it. I think that it was just another step for me towards freedom, single hood and experiencing life to the fullest. I would admit that the first couple of stations (the whole zip lining experience probably took around 2 hours – including hiking to the various stations) were a little scary for me in terms of letting go of my fear of heights. I mean really… who wouldn’t be somewhat afraid to zip line from one tree to the next at heights that are probably 10 story high (if not more)? BUT there was this one station – probably more than halfway into the Zip Lining experience where the instructors changed the position of the hook on your back from your upper back to more around the centre of your back. At this station you were supposed to free fall towards a rope ladder at the other station, climb it and continue on to the next station. Imagine that this free falling was somewhat similar to bungee jumping except that you’re not tied at your legs, you have something holding you at your back. This was a moment of truth for me. I really needed to just take a few deep breaths and NOT overthink it. At that moment I knew that had I faced something like this in my 20s, I would have become anxious, would have overthought the experience and would have said “NO, I can’t do this”. BUT standing there at 39 I suddenly had this epiphany and this “F YEAH I can do this” attitude/confidence!!! And I did and it was AWESOME!!!!
3. Let’s talk about sex…. okay, well not too much about sex (I think that sex deserves a post on it’s own – don’t you ;-))… But here’s what I discovered about myself… I just don’t give a F***… Let me explain. I recently met a 30 year old guy via an online dating app. We chatted and flirted a bit and he came over one night. I offered him some cookies as promised in our chats (did I mention I love to bake and make awesome cookies) and some wine. He made mention as we settled on the sofa that he is meeting his friends a little later that night (oh really??). We chatted a bit and then started making out. One thing led to the other and we had sex. I sure do hope that he enjoyed the sex because I sure didn’t. I’m sure he enjoyed the BJ he got, but I got nothing!!! After the sex, he left. NOW, I’m not some 16 year old or 20 something year old (and I’m not saying they all act the same at that age)… the point is, I’m not going to sit and cry after him. I try not to have regrets in my life and so far I can’t say I do (except for one – again… a subject for another blog). I try to learn from my experiences. What this specific experience taught me is that I’m done having sex for the sake of sex. After my ex left and my divorce I was all about sowing my wild oats (especially since my ex was my first and one and only for 15 years). I had some amazing sexual experiences and the best ones were with guys who were also friends (note to self!!)… but I also met some cool guys during my travels and so I enjoyed sex with them too. With this particular guy it just felt like nothing. When he contacted me a week later (because “hahahah nervous laugh… I noticed you removed me from Snapchat”)… and said we should hang out again, I asked “Why? You didn’t seem that into me… you barely kissed me (and that’s a TOTAL deal breaker for me as I LOVE kissing … I could probably cum from kissing ;-))… you didn’t even go down on me” (…and you know what they said on Grey’s Anatomy “no lady time.. no next time”… hahaha… love it!) He apologized and said that he wasn’t feeling well … and that next time it would be different.. blah blah blah… BUT there won’t be a next time. I love sex and if I’m going to have sex, F*** IT, I want to enjoy it. I don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship to have amazing sex, but I do need to have a good connection with the guy and actually like him to enjoy it. Ideally a Friends With Benefits would be nice. Someone who you can have a good time with, some good laughs, maybe a few things in common for some good post sex conversation AND of course to be totally into him physically and vice versa (hell.. I want to want to jump the guy and only being attracted to him physically is just not going to cut it anymore… at least for me )… so yeah… that’s what I learned… and at 40 I could care less.. I don’t need BS and had no issue telling the guy that he just didn’t cut it.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it :-)! I don’t want to dwell too much on this number. I want to focus on living life to the fullest (at least as much as I can handle mentally and physically).

What brought this one? Hot Yoga of all things! I just see this journey I’ve taken to take care of my body (and trust me I’m not perfect – my body is not perfect and neither are my eating habits – having a sweet tooth doesn’t help!). BUT today more than ever I do enjoy working out and trying new exercises and activities to test my strengths and my body… hence my new found love for Hot Yoga.  A few years ago and still to this day it has been running – which has been like yoga to me. Sometimes if I work from home and I have a bad and stressful day. I may just take a break and go for a 30 minute run to clear my head and it works! So whether it’s eating more veggies and trying new exercises I just find that I’m saying YES more than NO I’m not interested in trying :-)!

Good night my friends!

Hi Cus!

I can’t wait for our Skype date next week, but in the meantime I need to write. It’s almost 1:30 am and tomorrow (actually today) I need to work! I’m making up for 4 vacation days and work is piling up and is crazy busy… thank god I still love it :)!

I met this incredibly beautiful soul… except that something from within was taken from her when she was 9. Actions that lasted 3 years AND left demons for a lifetime. A lifetime of struggle and pain. A lifetime of figuring out how to survive the pain… then again, she doesn’t feel. But she does, in her own way. She feels enough to care about not hurting the people around her. Maybe she can’t love, yet she expresses love in her own way. Because she cares… so if she cares… she still feels… even if it feels like she doesn’t.

I’m blessed to have met her, but feel a little selfish. I feel like I’m getting something from having met her. She has let me in and opened my eyes and for that I feel blessed. When I leave here in a few days I won’t be able to take her with me, but she will be in my heart and my head. And I hope that she will continue to let me in and that she’ll believe it when I say “Call me anytime! I don’t care if it’s 3am!” I also hope that she will bestow upon me the gift of a lifetime of friendship. That she will stay. In return I’ll just remind her that she is a beautiful and loveable person. And that she is a good mom, doing the best that SHE can for her kids. I know that she struggles, but again, she is doing the best that she can in spite of the hand that she was dealt.

So tell me cus… how do I protect my children? How do I help them grow into beautiful souls? Into intelligent, loving, good and compassionate human beings? How do I teach them that it takes only a moment in time… one act… to change someone’s life – for better or worst. OR even their own lives for that matter? I don’t need nor want them to be perfect. BUT I need for myself to give them the tools to navigate this world. To feel – whether love, pain, disappointment, anger, frustration or joy – and to rise through it all. To survive. To make mistakes and learn from them. To learn from experiences and have no regrets. How do I teach them who and how to trust? Teach them about friendship? That sometimes friendships come and go. That people enter or exit our lives for a reason.

God I hope I don’t fuck this up…as I navigate parenthood on my own!

Love you cus!
xox

Me

Hi Cus,

Why does it feel like I’ve used this title already? Probably because it’s not the first time you’ve read these words in my blog? BUT yes! I so need a hug.

I’ve been away on vacation – visiting friends in the East Coast. I’ve had a fantastic time with them and some cool experiences I will share with you during one of our Skype dates… BUT I find that every time I experience something new it also teaches me something about myself (I guess).. then again this could be the 3 glasses of wine I had today…

I miss it! Do you know what I’m talking about? Snuggling or cuddling into that person who tells you that you’re beautiful and amazing and loveable. That person you turn on who turns you on in return… BUT here’s the catcher – wait for it… he’s actually available!!! Right?!!! And I’m not talking emotionally, but actually available to you. And I’m not looking to live with someone or even a serious relationship per say… but for once it would be nice to have that person you can count on for that really really good hug or cuddle. Someone who doesn’t feel guilty for that hug or cuddle because they have to worry about someone else’s feelings or that maybe they are cheating. Someone who is not temporary.

Oh and don’t think for one second that I don’t think that I’m beautiful or f***ing awesome or loveable. It’s not about that. It’s about someone saying it to you that is truly yours. I guess it’s hard really to explain without giving too much away. I guess I just realized some things today and I’m sad because of how they made me feel. And no one set out to hurt me – at least not purposely. And I’m to blame too because I put myself on this path. Then again, you know me… no regrets – just learning experiences, which I welcome and cherish. It just a moment in time that makes me feel a little lonely as I lay in bed here by myself with no one to cuddle with and those strong comforting arms that say “you’re home”.

On a separate note, I may become a nun! Can someone Jewish become a nun? Lol. But seriously I haven’t been on online dating apps in awhile and don’t miss it. And for those restless nights I’ll get myself a book or pull out The Womanizer (google that ;-)) lol… If anyone wants to play matchmaker I’m open to going on a date. But so far they haven’t proved to be that exciting. Yep, no one (available) seems to excite me… Maybe I need therapy! SO I think I’ll try becoming a nun – maybe at 60? I have some time. I do have one great idea (maybe) – join a hot yoga class. I went recently with a friend and I would say the male to female ratio was about 50-50… granted most may be gay… but maybe they have a cute brother or friend, lol…. anyways, just a thought as I did actually enjoy the class and not just the view ;-).

Okay cus… I miss you!! Hope to have a Skype date when I’m back. I hope you’re doing okay too!

xox

Me

Oh… and here’s the flavour of the month #musicthatmakesmefeel