Hi Cous!

It’s Friday night and I’m watching Crazy, Stupid, Love and damn it’s turning me on. Or maybe it’s Ryan Gosling that is turning me on? Or maybe it’s the idea of two people connecting… you know.. when you meet that person you can speak with through the night until dawn?

So don’t judge me, but I was sick this week and tired, and slightly down and lonely so I decided to upload Tinder again. I figured I’ll swipe and see if there are any matches, and if there are any, I’ll just wait and see if the man reaches out (many don’t)… In the meantime two have and one asked if I want to meet next week. And well.. I’m almost tempted to shut it down again, remove it from my phone and disappear without telling them why. Because the truth is I just can’t afford to even go out on dates. Sure, they might pay for the drinks or what not, but parking or taxi or uber still costs money.

I carefully wrote down what I’m bringing in the next two weeks versus what my expenses are and already I’m in the minus – meaning I need to scramble and figure out how to make all these payments and have enough for some groceries and gas (at least until the next pay cheque in 2 weeks time). And it’s only Friday. So you see, I can’t even go out. I shouldn’t even bother signing up for any of those speed dating opportunities I see. What’s the point. And I’m seating on my couch and I’m tired and I’m down and I’m lonely. All I have at night after the kids go to sleep are the movies and characters to live vicariously through.

So the tears are streaming down my face. I’ve been nursing the same headache since Wednesday. And I feel a sense of helplessness except that I know I’m stronger than that. Aha… f*** it! Maybe I should just delete the app and just use my vibe more.  Read more. Bake more. Drink more (okay,  maybe not, lol)… what a pathetic post.. but it is what it is.

‘Night!

Me

Hi Cos! (someone told me that it should be “cos” not “cous”… what do you think? :))

So back in the Summer when I was out dating (had more time as the kids were away) I remember one guy asking me “how are you still single”… well, I was only recently single/officially divorced at the time and what else could I say “it’s not so simple to date when you are a full time single mom with a full time career!” I knew he meant it as a compliment, but I think that the difference between men and women is that women (although it would be nice) don’t feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of… at least the intelligent women I hang out with! (I can’t recall if I told you that one guy said to me that men need to be in relationships).

Anyways, back to the title… the idea of “how are you still single” and “I freeze” kind of goes hand in hand. I keep saying how much I detest online dating. It just doesn’t feel genuine. It feels fake to decide whether you’ll speak with someone based on a picture (and trust me, some men look better in person – and of course vice versa). I keep saying that I would love to meet someone organically. BUT the problem is… <sigh>.. the problem is that I freeze! Here’s an example. My girlfriend invited me out to her friend’s birthday party. She was having it at one of those local downtown pubs (you know.. that cool, divey neighbourhood pub – love those). I had an absolute blast. I basically have the same taste in dance music as her friend and the DJ played my kind of tunes (it was a private party). I had so much fun that night. There was this guy on the dance floor that I’m pretty sure was eyeing me.. we would look at each other/smile from time to time as we were dancing. At some point he even brought his beer to my side of the dance floor and was dancing closer to me. And I smiled and danced and was having a good time, but I guess I was doing something wrong. I guess it wasn’t enough and I gave  off the wrong vibe. In a sense, I just freeze. At the end he moved on to another girl and they seemed to have that fun and flirty conversation at the bar that I wanted to have with him. It sucked! I had an awesome night and I had an opportunity to meet someone organically (it may have not gone past that night, but still….) and I screwed it up!

And now… now I beat myself up about it! I liked his looks. He had a nice smile. In fact, he has a pretty awesome smile. I actually found him on Facebook. Hey, don’t tease me. It’s really easy to find friends of friends on FB by method of deduction. That night I almost friended him after I got home, but I stopped myself. Who knows – maybe he and that other girl did really hit it off past the bar scene. I’m still debating in my head if I should friend him. Argghhhh this is so stupid and annoying and frustrating, because it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time that I freeze or give off the wrong vibe. Yep… a soon to be 40 year old fairly confident woman (well at least most of the time) that suddenly gets shy… maybe I should put that on my profile!

HELP!!!! I don’t know what to do. So yeah… I shouldn’t be surprised if they ask “how are you still single…?!!”

Love you

xox

Me