Hi Cous!

It was wonderful to see you on Friday and I so cherish our moments together. You’re such a wise and beautiful person. Thank you for listening and for your input!

You mentioned that I haven’t written in a while and you are right… I’m just so exhausted at the end of the day – physically and emotionally. I just re-read some of the posts I’ve written in the past and I’m not sure much has changed. I still cry every day. Am stressed at work as I don’t feel like I’m getting everything that I need done. Stressed financially and emotionally and continue to raise my voice at the kids (in all fairness, the youngest one has a mind of her own and thinks its funny not to listen to me…) I feel like I’m sucking as a mother, sucking at work… at least that’s what it feels like at times.

I texted you a few days after our conversation with a question. I asked whether you believed what I said when I spoke about him?! You wrote back: “Yes!… And no… I’m giving your feelings the benefit of the doubt… I think you’re almost there.”Am I? Sometimes I’m not so sure… It was tough to come back to Toronto. I’ve been emotional ever since. Those two nights I spent with him were absolutely… just really good! I felt so free… we talked and had sex, watched some Netflix, drank, smoked, had more sex, ate delicious pizza, more sex and more talk. I felt free and sexy and sensual… I just feel like I can be my true self around him and it feels so comfortable to spend time with him.

AND then I stumbled upon an earlier blog post. In it I shared with my therapist that I seem to have these crying fests after spending a few blissful nights with him. She said to me that perhaps what I’m really crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. She is right on that count. But what about the other side of the coin? That I do enjoy being with him? Look, you know that my brain knows that he is not what I need right now (nor am I what he needs right now). So do you think I’ll meet someone with whom I’ll find that good balance? Good conversation and good chemistry/attraction/sex? I texted him once with that question. I was reading a fiction book and in it the couple (obviously) seem to have this perfect balance, so I asked if that’s possible – if he has that with Her. I didn’t ask about us – I wasn’t (even subconsciously) trying to bring “our thing” into this conversation. You know what he wrote back? That yes, they have a multi-level connection. BUT he also added that that balance does exist – and that we are prove of that. I’m not sure what to make of that – so I’ll do what he does and compartmentalize it, lol.

Do you think it will get better, easier when he leaves? He will be moving overseas probably in June to give his relationship with Her a shot. BUT you know what he said to me? That he plans on being in the city once a  year for his annual pilgrimage  with his buddies for the conference they attend. So wait… does that mean that once a year I get to see you/be with you (at least for that one night)?

… I’m trying… really trying to let go… but it’s tough when I feel like he does seek me out for some things (and I’m not necessarily talking about sex – there I’m pretty much the instigator)… and says or does things that confuse me (when I think that I’m making some progress in my head)… Forget it… it’s probably my head… overthinking and over analyzing things…

So.. this was a good post.. nothing solved! As per usual/my life, lol….

‘night cous!

xox

Me