Hi Cous!

How was your Chrismukkah? Mine was fantastic… especially now that my ex is no longer in the vicinity… Did you know that when we were married I felt like I couldn’t breath the whole month of December?! Every step or decision had to be carefully calculated… Do I venture out with the kids to the mall or watch a movie? Do I turn on the radio? What can I watch on TV? It was suffocating. I was even worried about driving at night with the kids because god forbid they would see Christmas lights on every other house. YES, he was that depressed, annoyed, negative around Christmas time because god forbid his kids knew about Christmas. For F sake – I love the lights and I love the season, doesn’t make me want to put a tree in my house and suddenly celebrate a Holiday that is not mine to celebrate. I mean seriously!!

Anyways, when he left and moved back home – I actually felt such a relief… Everyday is a relief. Buying my son books in English is a relief. Listening to songs in English or sharing with him my love of different artists who sing in English is a relief (because pretty much for the first 6 years of his life everything had to be in Hebrew). Look, for me too it’s important that both kids speak our mother tongue and I’ve met many others who ensured that for the first years of their lives, their children were exposed to everything from books, music, movies, etc.. in their mother tongue and it works. BUT I also find that if we’re too narrow minded and too restrictive our children can go the opposite way. I would rather my son love to read in a language he feels comfortable in than not read at all. I too prefer reading books in English than in Hebrew – it’s easier for me even though I can read well in Hebrew. So now it’s fun for me when I find comic-book type books at Walmart for 40% off that I can buy for my son knowing that these are the books he would pick up (when I’m not looking) and actually read :)!

Anyways, the title doesn’t match this first paragraph… BUT it’s the Holiday Season.. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and  soon New Year’s… and so the TV (and Netflix) is full of Christmas type romantic movies – the kind I couldn’t really watch next to my ex back in the day! The kind I used to enjoy watching before we lived together. I’m finding myself watching more and more romantic comedies. What’s interesting is that I stayed away from these in the last year (maybe the cynic in me?)… but now suddenly I’m watching them again…  You know what cous… it’s not so much whether I’m a believer, it’s that I would so love that… In one of the movies the guy whose parents have been married for 40 years tells the woman (whose mom has been married 5 times) that it’s not the getting married that is important it’s the staying married. He said it more eloquently – but it’s about two people who are committed, are partners, have each other’s backs, love each other… And I wonder.. I still wonder, is that possible. In another movie they talk about that friendship post the passion -it’s the love that comes out of that friendship that makes it last. So I watch these movies and I wonder – am I a romantic or am I a cynic. Most importantly, I’m trying to figure out who this 2.0 version of me is truly is. Will the person I meet be enough, or will I keep going back to and/or wanting “him” if/when the opportunity presents itself? That’s the question that really bothers me <sigh>… #TheMillionDollarQuestion

And the bottom line is that I’m a tad lonely… but I refuse to get back online for dating purposes. For a few reasons: 1. I do want and need to focus on the kids; 2. I have to focus on work/my career – can’t screw that up; 3. Financially, I really can’t afford to go on dates/pay a babysitter; and 4. Well.. .it just screws up with your brain and I need to focus on item 1 & 2… Of course there’s this whole #IReallyDetestOnlineDating -even if it’s the norm and even if I read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari ;).

BUT… I do sometimes wonder what the next chapter of my life will look like. Will I meet someone now or only when the kids are older and out of the house (if they will ever leave lol.. because nowadays I hear they don’t – or they do and come back ;))… My BFF said that this time around #FallingInlove is going to look different… I’m still not sure what that means. There are some people who merge two families to become a blended family. Some single moms meet men without kids and then they have a kid together. And some single moms just go on countless dates and have a relationship here and there, but nothing concrete/real. I have enough confidence to know that I have so much to offer, BUT, I also have 2 kids which makes it a bit more challenging on the other side of the fence (especially as I’m a full-time single mom). Then again, I would only want a man who could handle that, and want the whole package and it would seriously be nice to meet a guy who is financially sound (that would be refreshing)…. but most of all, I miss someone to talk to – I miss a best friend in a guy type of someone (that kind of relationship I had in the beginning with my ex…)… I think it would be just seriously nice to meet a guy to hang out with (outside of my group of friends, not someone who is in a relationship, etc…).

So for now I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through these movies

xox

Me

Hi Cous!

It was wonderful to see you on Friday and I so cherish our moments together. You’re such a wise and beautiful person. Thank you for listening and for your input!

You mentioned that I haven’t written in a while and you are right… I’m just so exhausted at the end of the day – physically and emotionally. I just re-read some of the posts I’ve written in the past and I’m not sure much has changed. I still cry every day. Am stressed at work as I don’t feel like I’m getting everything that I need done. Stressed financially and emotionally and continue to raise my voice at the kids (in all fairness, the youngest one has a mind of her own and thinks its funny not to listen to me…) I feel like I’m sucking as a mother, sucking at work… at least that’s what it feels like at times.

I texted you a few days after our conversation with a question. I asked whether you believed what I said when I spoke about him?! You wrote back: “Yes!… And no… I’m giving your feelings the benefit of the doubt… I think you’re almost there.”Am I? Sometimes I’m not so sure… It was tough to come back to Toronto. I’ve been emotional ever since. Those two nights I spent with him were absolutely… just really good! I felt so free… we talked and had sex, watched some Netflix, drank, smoked, had more sex, ate delicious pizza, more sex and more talk. I felt free and sexy and sensual… I just feel like I can be my true self around him and it feels so comfortable to spend time with him.

AND then I stumbled upon an earlier blog post. In it I shared with my therapist that I seem to have these crying fests after spending a few blissful nights with him. She said to me that perhaps what I’m really crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. She is right on that count. But what about the other side of the coin? That I do enjoy being with him? Look, you know that my brain knows that he is not what I need right now (nor am I what he needs right now). So do you think I’ll meet someone with whom I’ll find that good balance? Good conversation and good chemistry/attraction/sex? I texted him once with that question. I was reading a fiction book and in it the couple (obviously) seem to have this perfect balance, so I asked if that’s possible – if he has that with Her. I didn’t ask about us – I wasn’t (even subconsciously) trying to bring “our thing” into this conversation. You know what he wrote back? That yes, they have a multi-level connection. BUT he also added that that balance does exist – and that we are prove of that. I’m not sure what to make of that – so I’ll do what he does and compartmentalize it, lol.

Do you think it will get better, easier when he leaves? He will be moving overseas probably in June to give his relationship with Her a shot. BUT you know what he said to me? That he plans on being in the city once a  year for his annual pilgrimage  with his buddies for the conference they attend. So wait… does that mean that once a year I get to see you/be with you (at least for that one night)?

… I’m trying… really trying to let go… but it’s tough when I feel like he does seek me out for some things (and I’m not necessarily talking about sex – there I’m pretty much the instigator)… and says or does things that confuse me (when I think that I’m making some progress in my head)… Forget it… it’s probably my head… overthinking and over analyzing things…

So.. this was a good post.. nothing solved! As per usual/my life, lol….

‘night cous!

xox

Me