Hi!

I don’t know if you know, but this has been one of my worst months and it’s not even over yet. I find myself crying almost every day, raising my voice at my kids almost every day, showing them my frustration and just being a wreck!

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. BUT what I’m most tired of is the crying… I mean, what’s the point? Actually most importantly, is What the F am I teaching my kids? I just feel like all I do (when I’m not at work) is stand in the kitchen and prep, cook, feed, wash dishes and organize. Grocery shopping, laundry, clean the house (even though I now have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks). I’m also cleaning after the kids even though I probably should start having them help me out. At eight and a half and three and a half they should be able to put their toys away, etc…

My eldest is actually having a better year at school (last year was tough, not only does he have ADHD, but his dad and I separating and than his dad leaving – moving back to his birth country). So I don’t want to ruin it for him because he sees me like that. It would break my heart. He still goes to therapy and we are seeing a naturopath – going the natural route for medication and such. It seems to be helping him. He even brought me a bottle of water as I was putting his sister to bed and when I left her room he wanted to do the breathing technique that his therapist taught us, but I just couldn’t. I actually told him “I can’t right now”…. I had to continue crying – let it all out!

My youngest is the one who just doesn’t seem to listen to me this year. She does what she wants. And she is so much fun. She has so much personality and is such a clown and we all love her. BUT it’s so hard with her this year. She also has Celiac so I’m slowly changing our kitchen and looking for recipes that are gluten free (I prefer baking snacks for her than buying them).

And I also have an International Student living with us. It’s not easy. It’s not him – he is only 15. BUT still, it’s not easy to have an extra person there hearing me raise my voice and I’m still on edge hoping I won’t do anything that would piss him off – ’cause he could say to the Homestay organization that he wants another family. And right now… right now I could use the money.

BUT in all honesty, I think it’s my job that worries me. I’m absolutely petrified of losing my job -and I love my job and the people I work with. I love the flexibility of working from home or not exactly working 9-5 (I can work after the kids go to sleep). I have a new boss. She started in April. I feel like I’m disappointing her and not living up to her expectations or the expectations of my position – at my level. She is different than my previous boss and I do welcome it. I need the challenge that she provides – the accountability and the changes she seeks to make. I think all of those are good. BUT my brain, my brain is not at full capacity. I’m disappointed at myself and my abilities. I want so badly to do better but I feel like I’m out of touch with my industry and I don’t have the time to learn – I just have the time to do and react. It’s Saturday night and it’s 8pm. Once I put my oldest to sleep I still need to finish to clean the kitchen and the living room (my nephew, niece and a friend were here this afternoon and I get to clean up after everyone). Then I have laundry to fold and more to do AND I have work to do. I actually can’t put my feet up and veg in front of the TV. I need to work. I’m worried… I don’t know how long I can do this.

AND the thing is… please understand, I’m absolutely NOT feeling sorry for myself. I love my kids, my family and friends, my job. I’m so blessed in so many ways… It’s just that right now, I just can’t seem to find my footings and I think I’m just so scared of losing it all. Of screwing up even more. I don’t know what to do and I’m so f**ing tired of crying.

Me