Hi!

Once again I REALLY should be asleep by now! It’s not that late – only 11:16pm, but tomorrow is Monday and today I paid for going out last night for a friend’s birthday and getting really drunk. Came home at 5am and woke up at 8am because I was expecting the cleaning lady at that time. So 3 hours of sleep and one hangover later… I should have been in bed as soon as I put the kids in bed… BUT I needed to unwind a bit so I watched Masters of Sex (but that my friend is a post for another time :))!

So yes, I’m exhausted and should really close my eyes and go off to sleep, but I need to write. More than that I guess I need to see my stupidity written out – in black over white! We went out for a light dinner and some drinks and followed that up with some dancing and more drinks. My friend kept feeding me drinks and I of course accepted, and therefore paid for that pretty much all day today. My cousin told me that the best cure for a hangover is to drink… BUT when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t fathom having another drink. Instead I drank some water, took an Advil and drank some coffee. The kids slept over at my mom’s house and I asked her to meet me at their dentist at 10am. On the way to the dentist I went to the local bakery, got myself a buttered bagel and stopped at the gas station for some Gatorade. That helped a bit until I was able to crash for a nap after putting my little one down for a nap at around 1:30pm…

BUT I digress! So why stupidity? Why lonely? Because unfortunately I have a tendency of sending stupid drunken texts to guys, which YEP… I did last night. So of course there is the embarrassment factor, but there is also the “shit, I don’t want to bug you/burden you because of this need I have…and well because really… at the end of the day.. if I want to analyze why I’m doing this… well.. it’s because I’m lonely… factor.” <sigh>

I’m so blessed with my kids and the amazing people in my life – my family and my friends (and yes, even my colleagues)… but it’s hard.. it’s just so hard and financially too it’s been getting a little stressful, except that if I let myself dwell or think about it too much, I’m just going to start hyperventilating (I had to ask my Best Friend for a small loan to cover my daycare cheque that is due tomorrow). My ex is giving me peanuts as child support (F***… I just don’t want to go there right now).  And the thing is that I don’t have time to be lonely or feel lonely. I have two kids who need me and a job and so many other responsibilities that I don’t even have the time or energy to play this stupid dating game (or even much money for a babysitter right now). Not much money to do stuff with the kids. I mean my Best Friend said something to me  that I think is pretty smart “when I meet that guy, it won’t feel like a burden.”  Anyways, the bottom line is that I MUST STOP these stupid drunken texts just because I’m feeling lonely (well and of course I’m drunk and my judgement is not that great at that moment). No more! That’s it! Enough! That’s probably why I wasn’t like this in my late teens and through my 20s and most of my 30s. I didn’t want to get drunk because I was worried about not having control. It’s funny, I know that I’m drunk and I do my very best to be careful in terms of what I say and share. It’s like I can see myself and hear myself talk, and I try really hard to stop myself from saying certain things. BUT… I guess I need to try harder. I don’t want these guys to judge me or judge my character based on that one moment. It’s not at all who I am 99.9% of the time.

I don’t understand though why I feel so lonely. I do have great people to talk to – like my Best Friend and my Cousin (you? the Jury is still out about YOU).

There is an ache in my heart (well really it’s my brain.. but we like to say heart). I miss having that person you want to share everything with. You know? About your day, and something funny happened on the way to… and thoughts… and talk about things I read or saw. Maybe someone to share some of the burdens with and lean on. That person who will have my back and support me (at least emotionally).  I think I’m so lonely because I’m having a hard time believing it will happen. For a bunch of reasons really. How attractive is a single mom with 2 young kids to someone? Especially since I have them full time (at least 10 months of the year AND there is no guarantee they’ll visit their dad again next summer.. with everything that is happening and things that he is saying). I also don’t really have much time to date or to give to someone else. I have an ex who right now is making me very nervous and worried because of things that he is saying (i.e. if he hears that I am seeing someone). I mean, it just feels so very complicated. Maybe it’s not, maybe it’s just me making it so. BUT my life is so full right now between the kids, work, family, friends, house, the finances… My shoulders just feel so very heavy. So maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. You know.. you watch one too many movies, you see people in love and kissing passionately and you want that for yourself. You want to feel like that again. So there is an ache in my heart and it hurts!!

Okay… my brain is not at full capacity. My eyelids are heavy. It’s time for bed.

I’m just so so lonely… sometimes!

Me