Hi!
It’s 12:48 am and I really should be asleep (I’m going to regret this tomorrow). I just saw the movie The Rebound with the stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones who plays a beautiful, sexy 40-year old single mom of 2 (or as a guy in the movie refers to her #milf). She falls in-love with a 25 year old guy who is utterly romantic and is head over heels in-love with her. They start a relationship, but due to certain circumstances (I don’t want to give too much away) they go their separate ways. She basically tells him to go and experience the world, travel, etc… They meet up 5 years later and of course the connection is there and it’s happily ever after… blah blah blah (#barf)…
…and it’s only a movie…and it shouldn’t affect me, right? It’s funny, as I watched it I realised that I saw it already, but I guess that now it actually resonates with me. Now it actually hits home. BUT… really? Will I seriously meet a guy in his 20s who would be so into me that he would want an actual relationship with me? He would actually (maybe) even want to have a kid with me (yes… I guess I’m still open to that). I have guys in their early 30s who are not interested in serious relationships. They just want a nice fuck from time to time. I’m not saying that I’m specifically looking for a 20 something year old. BUT I find myself gravitating towards younger men and I find them being attracted to me. It’s probably because they see me as as #milf and nothing more.
It’s funny, you recently said to me “it must be nice to be free”… But am I really? YOU are free… You have nothing to hold you back or tie you down where you live!
Me?! I’m not free!!! I have kids! Not that I would change that for anything! Not that I would change the past! BUT I’m not free!
What’s also funny is that somehow I went from being the girl in the “friend zone” in high school to the MILF. The one the guy wants to fuck but no way does he want anything more. No way is he interested in getting deep. No way does he want/need that baggage! And why would he? My battle with my ex hasn’t really started yet! We have yet to scratch the surface…. He would rather end up in jail than see his kids interact or being raised by another man. And besides, we don’t even know how my son would react to another man. And besides, in this day and age, have you met any #realmen?
So run… Run as far as you can… No worries, when I’m feeling horny and want to fuck, I’m sure I’ll find volunteers…. But when I’ll want more… When I’ll want intimacy… When I’ll want to love and be loved… I should count only on me!
So yeah, watching unrealistic movies with unrealistic happy endings gets to me I guess. Sometimes you just remember how lonely you feel. BUT I took myself off of Tinder and I won’t put myself on any dating sites (at least not until the new year). I just have too much on my plate and the stupidity I encountered (at least) via Tinder – I don’t need that in my life. I guess I’m still hopeful that maybe one day I’ll meet someone organically. I worry constantly and am stressed financially. My kids are amazing and I love them so much, but sometimes it’s so hard. Mornings like today when no one seems to listen to me and I have to raise my voice and we’re stressed, yelling and crying, and then we’re late for daycare, school and work (although somehow I actually managed to be at work by 9:05am). It’s so hard sometimes and I don’t want to always call my parents, and I don’t want to always ask for help! I want to know what to do if/when the smoke alarm goes off and learn to do things and fix things on my own. There are homework to help with, shoes and socks to buy, laundry to do, check if they have coats for fall and winter, grocery shopping, bill paying, food prepping. Always something. Long To Do Lists. Tons of reminders/alarms on my phone and work! AND god… don’t forget my job, my career, and the worry at the back of my mind that I might get fired because I’m so busy with #life that I’m not as productive as I want to be, could be, should be, need to be.
SO tell me… how can I think about bringing another person into my life? How the hell can I think about love? I can’t…and so sometimes it hurts… and sometimes you sit on your bed with your legs crossed and your laptop, tears streaming down your face as you write another post on your blog at 1:04 am on a Friday night (technically Saturday now)…. and so I guess when there is no one, there is always #thewomanizer, my handy #vibrator 😉
xox
Me
Happy... with a side of bacon 