Hi!

I don’t know if you know, but this has been one of my worst months and it’s not even over yet. I find myself crying almost every day, raising my voice at my kids almost every day, showing them my frustration and just being a wreck!

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. BUT what I’m most tired of is the crying… I mean, what’s the point? Actually most importantly, is What the F am I teaching my kids? I just feel like all I do (when I’m not at work) is stand in the kitchen and prep, cook, feed, wash dishes and organize. Grocery shopping, laundry, clean the house (even though I now have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks). I’m also cleaning after the kids even though I probably should start having them help me out. At eight and a half and three and a half they should be able to put their toys away, etc…

My eldest is actually having a better year at school (last year was tough, not only does he have ADHD, but his dad and I separating and than his dad leaving – moving back to his birth country). So I don’t want to ruin it for him because he sees me like that. It would break my heart. He still goes to therapy and we are seeing a naturopath – going the natural route for medication and such. It seems to be helping him. He even brought me a bottle of water as I was putting his sister to bed and when I left her room he wanted to do the breathing technique that his therapist taught us, but I just couldn’t. I actually told him “I can’t right now”…. I had to continue crying – let it all out!

My youngest is the one who just doesn’t seem to listen to me this year. She does what she wants. And she is so much fun. She has so much personality and is such a clown and we all love her. BUT it’s so hard with her this year. She also has Celiac so I’m slowly changing our kitchen and looking for recipes that are gluten free (I prefer baking snacks for her than buying them).

And I also have an International Student living with us. It’s not easy. It’s not him – he is only 15. BUT still, it’s not easy to have an extra person there hearing me raise my voice and I’m still on edge hoping I won’t do anything that would piss him off – ’cause he could say to the Homestay organization that he wants another family. And right now… right now I could use the money.

BUT in all honesty, I think it’s my job that worries me. I’m absolutely petrified of losing my job -and I love my job and the people I work with. I love the flexibility of working from home or not exactly working 9-5 (I can work after the kids go to sleep). I have a new boss. She started in April. I feel like I’m disappointing her and not living up to her expectations or the expectations of my position – at my level. She is different than my previous boss and I do welcome it. I need the challenge that she provides – the accountability and the changes she seeks to make. I think all of those are good. BUT my brain, my brain is not at full capacity. I’m disappointed at myself and my abilities. I want so badly to do better but I feel like I’m out of touch with my industry and I don’t have the time to learn – I just have the time to do and react. It’s Saturday night and it’s 8pm. Once I put my oldest to sleep I still need to finish to clean the kitchen and the living room (my nephew, niece and a friend were here this afternoon and I get to clean up after everyone). Then I have laundry to fold and more to do AND I have work to do. I actually can’t put my feet up and veg in front of the TV. I need to work. I’m worried… I don’t know how long I can do this.

AND the thing is… please understand, I’m absolutely NOT feeling sorry for myself. I love my kids, my family and friends, my job. I’m so blessed in so many ways… It’s just that right now, I just can’t seem to find my footings and I think I’m just so scared of losing it all. Of screwing up even more. I don’t know what to do and I’m so f**ing tired of crying.

Me

Hi!

Once again I REALLY should be asleep by now! It’s not that late – only 11:16pm, but tomorrow is Monday and today I paid for going out last night for a friend’s birthday and getting really drunk. Came home at 5am and woke up at 8am because I was expecting the cleaning lady at that time. So 3 hours of sleep and one hangover later… I should have been in bed as soon as I put the kids in bed… BUT I needed to unwind a bit so I watched Masters of Sex (but that my friend is a post for another time :))!

So yes, I’m exhausted and should really close my eyes and go off to sleep, but I need to write. More than that I guess I need to see my stupidity written out – in black over white! We went out for a light dinner and some drinks and followed that up with some dancing and more drinks. My friend kept feeding me drinks and I of course accepted, and therefore paid for that pretty much all day today. My cousin told me that the best cure for a hangover is to drink… BUT when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t fathom having another drink. Instead I drank some water, took an Advil and drank some coffee. The kids slept over at my mom’s house and I asked her to meet me at their dentist at 10am. On the way to the dentist I went to the local bakery, got myself a buttered bagel and stopped at the gas station for some Gatorade. That helped a bit until I was able to crash for a nap after putting my little one down for a nap at around 1:30pm…

BUT I digress! So why stupidity? Why lonely? Because unfortunately I have a tendency of sending stupid drunken texts to guys, which YEP… I did last night. So of course there is the embarrassment factor, but there is also the “shit, I don’t want to bug you/burden you because of this need I have…and well because really… at the end of the day.. if I want to analyze why I’m doing this… well.. it’s because I’m lonely… factor.” <sigh>

I’m so blessed with my kids and the amazing people in my life – my family and my friends (and yes, even my colleagues)… but it’s hard.. it’s just so hard and financially too it’s been getting a little stressful, except that if I let myself dwell or think about it too much, I’m just going to start hyperventilating (I had to ask my Best Friend for a small loan to cover my daycare cheque that is due tomorrow). My ex is giving me peanuts as child support (F***… I just don’t want to go there right now).  And the thing is that I don’t have time to be lonely or feel lonely. I have two kids who need me and a job and so many other responsibilities that I don’t even have the time or energy to play this stupid dating game (or even much money for a babysitter right now). Not much money to do stuff with the kids. I mean my Best Friend said something to me  that I think is pretty smart “when I meet that guy, it won’t feel like a burden.”  Anyways, the bottom line is that I MUST STOP these stupid drunken texts just because I’m feeling lonely (well and of course I’m drunk and my judgement is not that great at that moment). No more! That’s it! Enough! That’s probably why I wasn’t like this in my late teens and through my 20s and most of my 30s. I didn’t want to get drunk because I was worried about not having control. It’s funny, I know that I’m drunk and I do my very best to be careful in terms of what I say and share. It’s like I can see myself and hear myself talk, and I try really hard to stop myself from saying certain things. BUT… I guess I need to try harder. I don’t want these guys to judge me or judge my character based on that one moment. It’s not at all who I am 99.9% of the time.

I don’t understand though why I feel so lonely. I do have great people to talk to – like my Best Friend and my Cousin (you? the Jury is still out about YOU).

There is an ache in my heart (well really it’s my brain.. but we like to say heart). I miss having that person you want to share everything with. You know? About your day, and something funny happened on the way to… and thoughts… and talk about things I read or saw. Maybe someone to share some of the burdens with and lean on. That person who will have my back and support me (at least emotionally).  I think I’m so lonely because I’m having a hard time believing it will happen. For a bunch of reasons really. How attractive is a single mom with 2 young kids to someone? Especially since I have them full time (at least 10 months of the year AND there is no guarantee they’ll visit their dad again next summer.. with everything that is happening and things that he is saying). I also don’t really have much time to date or to give to someone else. I have an ex who right now is making me very nervous and worried because of things that he is saying (i.e. if he hears that I am seeing someone). I mean, it just feels so very complicated. Maybe it’s not, maybe it’s just me making it so. BUT my life is so full right now between the kids, work, family, friends, house, the finances… My shoulders just feel so very heavy. So maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. You know.. you watch one too many movies, you see people in love and kissing passionately and you want that for yourself. You want to feel like that again. So there is an ache in my heart and it hurts!!

Okay… my brain is not at full capacity. My eyelids are heavy. It’s time for bed.

I’m just so so lonely… sometimes!

Me

Hi!

It’s 12:48 am and I really should be asleep (I’m going to regret this tomorrow). I just saw the movie The Rebound with the stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones who plays a beautiful, sexy 40-year old single mom of 2 (or as a guy in the movie refers to her #milf). She falls in-love with a 25 year old guy who is utterly romantic and is head over heels in-love with her. They start a relationship, but due to certain circumstances (I don’t want to give too much away) they go their separate ways. She basically tells him to go and experience the world, travel, etc… They meet up 5 years later and of course the connection is there and it’s happily ever after… blah blah blah (#barf)…

…and it’s only a movie…and it shouldn’t affect me, right? It’s funny, as I watched it I realised that I saw it already, but I guess that now it actually resonates with me. Now it actually hits home. BUT… really? Will I seriously meet a guy in his 20s who would be so into me that he would want an actual relationship with me? He would actually (maybe) even want to have a kid with me (yes… I guess I’m still open to that). I have guys in their early 30s who are not interested in serious relationships. They just want a nice fuck from time to time. I’m not saying that I’m specifically looking for a 20 something year old. BUT I find myself gravitating towards younger men and I find them being attracted to me. It’s probably because they see me as as #milf and nothing more.

It’s funny, you recently said to me “it must be nice to be free”… But am I really? YOU are free… You have nothing to hold you back or tie you down where you live!