Hi Cousin!

Yep, I feel like writing to you now. I kind of feel like you would care more right about now (than me writing to him). I’ve been contemplating for a while to dedicate a post to my ex. I almost need/want him to know that I don’t regret the past. That on the day I stood under the Chuppa I was truly happy and that I truly loved him and was in love with him. I’ve spoken to a few men who admitted to me that on the day of their wedding they knew that they should not get married. That’s just plain sad! But I can’t right now. I can’t talk about the love that was there because I’m so utterly sad and worried and a little scared about what the future will hold. He is here now. The kids spent the summer with him overseas and he brought them back. He leaves to go back in a few days. He is so angry and hurt. He believes that I won. That I have everything, the children, my career, friends, going out and having fun/living life. He has nothing he says (that’s according to a friend with whom he is staying).

My mind is going a mile a minute, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. All I care about are the kids. And he does too, but he is so angry and miserable that it’s hard for him to see straight, and he forgets how much I did and how much effort I put. He thinks he did it all. I won’t deny that while we were together he provided me with emotional support as it pertained to my career and he was physically there when I needed to travel for work. BUT, I was still the one who made sure to pay the bills on time, bought clothes for the kids, organized their closets, did laundry (okay he did fold – but I had to put it in the closets), shopped for groceries and did most of the cooking (especially towards the last few years when he was busy with a cake business that I was helping him with, encouraging him, etc)… I booked the kids in extra curricular activities, took them places, organized outings and playdates, etc.. The day to day, that fell on me – even as I was the main income provider and had to travel for business. BUT he forgets.

He is angry because I have my career. What about him? I and many of our friends always tried to help him both with his full time job (when for some reason he was unable to go past a one year contract) or his cake business. We encouraged, gave him compliments and positive feedback, all to no avail. He was depressed and always with one foot out of this country. You can’t be someone else’s happiness, but you see, loving me and the kids, even that wasn’t enough for him to get his shit together. And he didn’t show me that he could be the man I could follow across the ocean. I just didn’t see a man!

I’m at fault because I broke the family, he says. I didn’t try to save this marriage. How can you save something that is no longer there. I gave him so much of myself that there was nothing more to give. He hated it here, so obviously I wasn’t enough. And I wasn’t the one who upped and moved away. He is so angry. He can’t see past the anger. I even invited him over for Shabbat dinner with my family and our mutual friends. He doesn’t want to come. I get that it’s not easy and that it’s in what used to be our house. BUT he should come for his kids. AND… ever since I picked the kids up from the airport yesterday early morning, he hasn’t called or reached out to them. If you are here for 5 days, don’t you want to still spend as much time with your kids as you can before you go back? He hasn’t even called them – all because he doesn’t want to see or hear me.

And well now… now I called a Rabbi. I was curious about the whole Get thing (Jewish divorce) – and the process for getting one (much harder when the woman wants one). I explained to the Rabbi that my ex said to me that the only way he will give me a Get is when I give him the kids. It’s the only card he feels he has over me – the Get. The Rabbi might go and talk to him tomorrow. Not sure it’s a good idea. Maybe it’s still too soon. BUT he won’t listen to anyone, so maybe he’ll have more respect for a Rabbi because he throws Judaism at my face. I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that if he feels cornered by everyone -threatened – that maybe he’ll do something stupid. Maybe next time I sent the kids to him he won’t bring them back (even though the law is on my side) or he’ll start proceedings to get the kids. He is so angry and bitter and hurt that I worry and I’m scared. I love them so much. I want to give them goodness and peace. I want to give them love – love of this country and also of Israel. Love of their faith and culture, but also love and acceptance of others. Love of people. I want to give them the things that he can’t. I want to give them love of reading, even if it’s not in Hebrew. I want to expose them to different experiences and opportunities. I’m not sure he would, because if there is an activity that he doesn’t like or even a show he doesn’t enjoy watching than everyone needs to agree with that/him. If he doesn’t like hockey, neither should our son or daughter, etc.. .You get the drift. I on the other hand am trying to nurture and grow in our son the things that interests his dad and the things that he shared with him while he was here. Things like science fiction, Star Wars, books I know that his dad read in his youth, etc… I even take him to shows like FanExpo, etc… I’m not sure my ex would have done the same for our son – sharing with him things that I was into, that are important to me, if the roles were reversed.

I may not be religious, but I believe that there is something bigger than us out there and if I have to pray every day for him to watch over my kids, make sure they are healthy and good and give me the strength to get through this, then I will. I will do so every day. If my kids ever choose to move -then it will be their decision when they are old enough to make that decision. In the meantime, this is the country in which they were born. This is the country they have grown up in. Their family and friends who make up their anchor are here. Please, please don’t take the hurt, bitterness and anger you have towards me.. don’t take it out on your children. You are… you are doing so without realizing that.

I understand now what it feels like to miss them fiercely and that joy you get when they are finally in your arms. Two months they were away from my arms, my kisses, my hugs. So I know now… but you chose to leave. I understood why you had to go. I hoped that you could find yourself, your happiness there… but instead you chose anger. You chose not to move forward. I’m sorry for that. I hope that in time your sisters will open up your eyes… but talking to you.. it’s like talking to a wall and for me it was like that for many years, our last years together… too many years!

So although I have no regrets – not of loving you, marrying you, living with you and bearing your children. Although I have no regrets of finally saying enough and understanding that there is nothing here to save. Although I am happy, I’m also a little bit sad, worried and scared.

I wish you only well…. but I’m not sure you wish the same for me.

Thanks for listening dear cousin! Hope you are well!

xox

Me