Hi!
I seriously thought, or at least hoped that I came back from Thailand with a clearer head and some perspective. It turned out that was not the case. Having said that, I think I finally had my aha moment last night (at least I hope it’s a start). Something happened last night when we spoke on the phone (we were catching up during one of our infrequent phone conversations). Something shifted inside my head because of a few things you said and expressed. When I saw you 3 weeks ago after I came back from Thailand we were at your apartment waiting for Chinese food to arrive and somehow we made a reference to Fortune Cookies and you said “I’ll be your fortune cookie” to which I replied “no, you are not my fortune cookie!” I felt so empowered saying that at that moment, but truth be told, that feeling went away in the last 3 weeks. During this past three weeks I kept struggling with how I viewed you and how I felt. But I think the tides they are changing :).
Do you remember an email I sent to you back in January? I titled the email “Timing Is Everything… BUT Is It Really?!! Or Is It What We Make Of It!!” Here is what I wrote:
At one point during our conversation you said something that prompted me to say something along the lines of “well, then I guess our timing is right” (something along that thought) to which you looked at me surprised. You and I both KNOW that our timing is off. I think we get that. Technically we are both right. It is!
When I first met you… and as I started to get to know you… connect with you… find that we have (at least I think) amazing chemistry (and really good conversations), I always knew at the back of my mind that you made no sense in this current chapter of my book. Not now…. and besides I know and understand that there are things that you need to do first in your life (and I will do my best to support and push you to do them – no matter the consequences as they pertain to me/us).
But as I come to better understand that (as I reflect on our conversations) – I look at the subject of this email and think “It’s what we decide to make of it!” You are good at compartmentalizing, which is perfect for our situation. I look at it differently. I told you that I didn’t want to wait until my kids were grown and I was 50 to start my life. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow… I don’t know if I’ll be blessed to be alive and healthy at 50. Who knows… maybe one day our timing will work… and then again, maybe it won’t… So I’m going to seize the day TODAY. I will take my happiness today and will take what I can. I will take my moments of happy with the moments of sadness. I will have no regrets!!! And I don’t (have regrets)!
You see we both understand that YES ‘technically’ our timing is off… but that hasn’t stopped us from enjoying each other both physically and mentally. For making sure we maximize those opportunities.
AND as we had that conversation on the plane, a thought popped into my head (an epiphany perhaps)! Maybe now IS ALSO our time (as weird as it may sound). I think we kind of need each other. We feed off of each other. We support each other. We have each others’ backs. Perhaps it’s not ideal… but it’s what/how we need it to be right now. Does it make sense? Am I making sense.
…and NO, we don’t have everything in common… I’m not your TWIN lol… and in truth nor do I want to be because I want you to teach me and I want to learn. I might not like everything that you do or say or think… but I’m open to hear, listen and learn… and who knows… maybe there will be some things that will rub off on me. Maybe some things will stick. BUT there are some interests we do share and things we do enjoy doing together. We enjoy each others’ companies, have fun and have incredible sex ;)!!!
So following our conversation last night, I’m convinced more than ever that the type of relationship we had had to date (because it is A…. TYPE… OF… RELATIONSHIP)… is the only type that we can have. More importantly it’s what we needed – no more, no less.
I deserve so much more than what you can ever give me. You are right A is way more suited to your world and the way your brain works and how you see things and the world! The fact that I believe there is good chemistry between us and I still believe that there is a connection, does not mean that you and I need need to take this any further and explore it further. It just (in all likelihood) means that perhaps we’ll be lifelong friends. We’ll be the type of people who may not talk or see each other for years, but when we do it will be as if no years have passed. We’ll sit somewhere, have a few drinks, catch up, give each other some perspective and go our separate ways.
I don’t want to go into detail as to what you said, but it was as simple as you explaining what you and A have, but more than that, it’s about how you view things and the world. How you view relationships, etc… Although at times you really kind of do suck as a friend, I won’t deny that my experience with you taught me a lot. I love the fact that there are certain things that are so easy with you and that I can truly be myself with you without being judged. But I think I can find that elsewhere. Like you said – no compromises this time around (at least the important ones – beliefs, values, passions).
I also realised that for me to say “I love you my friend” or if you do something cute and endearing, you might hear me say “awe I love you” is truly not a big deal. It’s the same kind of “I love you” I offer to my best friend’s husband. I care about you, I love you, BUT I’ve never actually been in love with you (although my BFF did say that this time when I fall in love it will be different than in my 20s).
I can see my cousin reading this and possibly rolling her eyes (this is almost a 180 from our conversation yesterday). BUT I think I latched onto you because 1) You’re Hot 🙂 2) We have great physical/sexual chemistry (possibly same as number 1, lol) 3) We have had some good conversations 4) I felt comfortable with you. BUT the reality (which is very normal) is that the thing that made us closer was your injury and my separation and divorce. We listened, we talked, we gave each other perspective and we had fun (which we both really needed). So going back to the beginning of this blog:
1) no… you are not my fortune cookie! and..
2) Our timing was/is exactly as it should be – no more, no less!
Me xx
p.s. … so all I have left to say is:
Happy... with a side of bacon 