Hi!

It’s 1:58 am and I should be asleep, but I can’t because I have too much on my mind. I don’t write to you anymore. Instead I write here. My friend said to me “just write! Whether anyone will ever read this blog, doesn’t really matter,  it’s the outlet that you have and need.” Whether you will care enough to ever read this, doesn’t even matter. You know about it – we’ve discussed the different names I had for it. I even asked you for some help with artwork for it, which you failed to help me with. BUT that’s okay. I told you that you will disappoint me and you have and will. My best friend seems to think that even if nothing serious ever happens between you and I that we are friends – that I get that from you – friendship. BUT she is wrong and I don’t want to correct her. A friend would remember and acknowledge my birthday. A friend would reach out from time to time to find out how I’m doing. A friend would care enough to answer my emails (and not with quick one line sentences or I’ll write more later – never to be heard of again). Don’t get me wrong.. when you were sick and in bed, you did. You were even there for me as I was separating from my ex. As I was going through so much in my head, you somehow found the time to write to me (even when you lived with her). BUT now that you live alone, you don’t anymore. I think that you don’t need me anymore. I think that’s what it is. It’s funny, I still think that what you get from me (other than sex) is perspective. We do have some really conversations. But I guess you don’t need me anymore as you have A. “It’s a really weird thing to have so much in common with someone, it’s downright surreal, and very soothing.” That’s how you described your weekend with her to me. And I said to you that I thought it to be a cool description – especially the “soothing” part. You’re happy – well at least as happy as you let yourself be because now you have to figure out your next steps and how you can be with her, live with her or at least be in the same city as her, I guess. So I guess I’m not needed anymore, although you are still happy to have sex with me and the sex we have is pretty incredible. You know (on a side note) the ego in me REALLY hopes that the sex with me is better. I know… stupid… Oh BSG… I’m really trying to do a lot of self talk, but I’m not there yet. My head knows – it knows that I deserve better than you. My head knows that in reality you are not what I need. It understands that we are to each other what we should be or what we needed when this all started. But my heart doesn’t know it just yet. And me… I know that you compartmentalize, so I’m never going to ask you what you feel or how you feel or what I actually mean to you? I doubt I’m in your thoughts/brain much these days… and still it hurts. I enjoyed our conversations, but they are no more! So I seek out other men in the hopes of forgetting about you and so far I haven’t been successful. AND I hate Tinder… I absolutely hate what it does to my brain. These stupid conversations, men who think they can speak with me in a familiar tone too fast, too soon… and the whole process feeling forced and unnatural. I want to meet someone naturally. I will get off of Tinder when my kids come back from visiting their dad. I will focus on them and work. I will try my hand at learning to be single – like my cousin suggested. If I meet someone organically and they ask me out and I’m interested I’ll go for it.

I did meet one 26 year old guy who is pretty cool and intelligent. We’ve had some interesting conversations. He is very spiritual and cares about the health of his mind and body. Wants to study Chinese medicine and maybe even osteopathy. Used to be a personal trainer. Well read kind of guy. In one of our talks I asked him if he’s ever been in love or if he’s ever loved. He said no and wondered what it felt like. I started describing to him what it felt for me to love someone. It’s that person you want to share everything with. You read/hear/see something and you want to tell them about it. You want to talk to them and hear their voice every day. They are always in your thoughts. You see something in a store and you know they would love it (almost want to buy it for them). And then it dawned on me that in some way I was describing you and what you mean to me. But enough! I don’t want to continue and rehash with it’s not to be. What shouldn’t be. I don’t want anymore blog posts about this. I’ll make this my last (I think… I hope). I’ll still write to you, but here and not about you!

Soon, I will give myself a break from all this… and for you?! I wish you happiness my BSG. I want you to go away with/to her. I need you out of my head, my heart, my system.

Me Xx