Hi Cousin!

Yep, I feel like writing to you now. I kind of feel like you would care more right about now (than me writing to him). I’ve been contemplating for a while to dedicate a post to my ex. I almost need/want him to know that I don’t regret the past. That on the day I stood under the Chuppa I was truly happy and that I truly loved him and was in love with him. I’ve spoken to a few men who admitted to me that on the day of their wedding they knew that they should not get married. That’s just plain sad! But I can’t right now. I can’t talk about the love that was there because I’m so utterly sad and worried and a little scared about what the future will hold. He is here now. The kids spent the summer with him overseas and he brought them back. He leaves to go back in a few days. He is so angry and hurt. He believes that I won. That I have everything, the children, my career, friends, going out and having fun/living life. He has nothing he says (that’s according to a friend with whom he is staying).

My mind is going a mile a minute, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. All I care about are the kids. And he does too, but he is so angry and miserable that it’s hard for him to see straight, and he forgets how much I did and how much effort I put. He thinks he did it all. I won’t deny that while we were together he provided me with emotional support as it pertained to my career and he was physically there when I needed to travel for work. BUT, I was still the one who made sure to pay the bills on time, bought clothes for the kids, organized their closets, did laundry (okay he did fold – but I had to put it in the closets), shopped for groceries and did most of the cooking (especially towards the last few years when he was busy with a cake business that I was helping him with, encouraging him, etc)… I booked the kids in extra curricular activities, took them places, organized outings and playdates, etc.. The day to day, that fell on me – even as I was the main income provider and had to travel for business. BUT he forgets.

He is angry because I have my career. What about him? I and many of our friends always tried to help him both with his full time job (when for some reason he was unable to go past a one year contract) or his cake business. We encouraged, gave him compliments and positive feedback, all to no avail. He was depressed and always with one foot out of this country. You can’t be someone else’s happiness, but you see, loving me and the kids, even that wasn’t enough for him to get his shit together. And he didn’t show me that he could be the man I could follow across the ocean. I just didn’t see a man!

I’m at fault because I broke the family, he says. I didn’t try to save this marriage. How can you save something that is no longer there. I gave him so much of myself that there was nothing more to give. He hated it here, so obviously I wasn’t enough. And I wasn’t the one who upped and moved away. He is so angry. He can’t see past the anger. I even invited him over for Shabbat dinner with my family and our mutual friends. He doesn’t want to come. I get that it’s not easy and that it’s in what used to be our house. BUT he should come for his kids. AND… ever since I picked the kids up from the airport yesterday early morning, he hasn’t called or reached out to them. If you are here for 5 days, don’t you want to still spend as much time with your kids as you can before you go back? He hasn’t even called them – all because he doesn’t want to see or hear me.

And well now… now I called a Rabbi. I was curious about the whole Get thing (Jewish divorce) – and the process for getting one (much harder when the woman wants one). I explained to the Rabbi that my ex said to me that the only way he will give me a Get is when I give him the kids. It’s the only card he feels he has over me – the Get. The Rabbi might go and talk to him tomorrow. Not sure it’s a good idea. Maybe it’s still too soon. BUT he won’t listen to anyone, so maybe he’ll have more respect for a Rabbi because he throws Judaism at my face. I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that if he feels cornered by everyone -threatened – that maybe he’ll do something stupid. Maybe next time I sent the kids to him he won’t bring them back (even though the law is on my side) or he’ll start proceedings to get the kids. He is so angry and bitter and hurt that I worry and I’m scared. I love them so much. I want to give them goodness and peace. I want to give them love – love of this country and also of Israel. Love of their faith and culture, but also love and acceptance of others. Love of people. I want to give them the things that he can’t. I want to give them love of reading, even if it’s not in Hebrew. I want to expose them to different experiences and opportunities. I’m not sure he would, because if there is an activity that he doesn’t like or even a show he doesn’t enjoy watching than everyone needs to agree with that/him. If he doesn’t like hockey, neither should our son or daughter, etc.. .You get the drift. I on the other hand am trying to nurture and grow in our son the things that interests his dad and the things that he shared with him while he was here. Things like science fiction, Star Wars, books I know that his dad read in his youth, etc… I even take him to shows like FanExpo, etc… I’m not sure my ex would have done the same for our son – sharing with him things that I was into, that are important to me, if the roles were reversed.

I may not be religious, but I believe that there is something bigger than us out there and if I have to pray every day for him to watch over my kids, make sure they are healthy and good and give me the strength to get through this, then I will. I will do so every day. If my kids ever choose to move -then it will be their decision when they are old enough to make that decision. In the meantime, this is the country in which they were born. This is the country they have grown up in. Their family and friends who make up their anchor are here. Please, please don’t take the hurt, bitterness and anger you have towards me.. don’t take it out on your children. You are… you are doing so without realizing that.

I understand now what it feels like to miss them fiercely and that joy you get when they are finally in your arms. Two months they were away from my arms, my kisses, my hugs. So I know now… but you chose to leave. I understood why you had to go. I hoped that you could find yourself, your happiness there… but instead you chose anger. You chose not to move forward. I’m sorry for that. I hope that in time your sisters will open up your eyes… but talking to you.. it’s like talking to a wall and for me it was like that for many years, our last years together… too many years!

So although I have no regrets – not of loving you, marrying you, living with you and bearing your children. Although I have no regrets of finally saying enough and understanding that there is nothing here to save. Although I am happy, I’m also a little bit sad, worried and scared.

I wish you only well…. but I’m not sure you wish the same for me.

Thanks for listening dear cousin! Hope you are well!

xox

Me

Hi!

I seriously thought, or at least hoped that I came back from Thailand with a clearer head and some perspective. It turned out that was not the case. Having said that, I think I finally had my aha moment last night (at least I hope it’s a start). Something happened last night when we spoke on the phone (we were catching up during one of our infrequent phone conversations). Something shifted inside my head because of a few things you said and expressed. When I saw you 3 weeks ago after I came back from Thailand we were at your apartment waiting for Chinese food to arrive and somehow we made a reference to Fortune Cookies and you said “I’ll be your fortune cookie” to which I replied “no, you are not my fortune cookie!” I felt so empowered saying that at that moment, but truth be told, that feeling went away in the last 3 weeks. During this past three weeks I kept struggling with how I viewed you and how I felt. But I think the tides they are changing :).

Do you remember an email I sent to you back in January? I titled the email “Timing Is Everything… BUT Is It Really?!! Or Is It What We Make Of It!!” Here is what I wrote:

…and NO, we don’t have everything in common… I’m not your TWIN lol… and in truth nor do I want to be because I want you to teach me and I want to learn. I might not like everything that you do or say or think… but I’m open to hear, listen and learn… and who knows… maybe there will be some things that will rub off on me. Maybe some things will stick. BUT there are some interests we do share and things we do enjoy doing together. We enjoy each others’ companies, have fun and have incredible sex ;)!!!

So following our conversation last night, I’m convinced more than ever that the type of relationship we had had to date (because it is A…. TYPE… OF… RELATIONSHIP)… is the only type that we can have. More importantly it’s what we needed – no more, no less.

I deserve so much more than what you can ever give me. You are right A is way more suited to your world and the way your brain works and how you see things and the world! The fact that I believe there is good chemistry between us and I still believe that there is a connection, does not mean that you and I need need to take this any further and explore it further. It just (in all likelihood) means that perhaps we’ll be lifelong friends. We’ll be the type of people who may not talk or see each other for years, but when we do it will be as if no years have passed. We’ll sit somewhere, have a few drinks, catch up, give each other some perspective and go our separate ways.

I don’t want to go into detail as to what you said, but it was as simple as you explaining what you and A have, but more than that, it’s about how you view things and the world. How you view relationships, etc… Although at times you really kind of do suck as a friend, I won’t deny that my experience with you taught me a lot. I love the fact that there are certain things that are so easy with you and that I can truly be myself with you without being judged. But I think I can find that elsewhere. Like you said – no compromises this time around (at least the important ones – beliefs, values, passions).

I also realised that for me to say “I love you my friend” or if you do something cute and endearing, you might hear me say “awe I love you” is truly not a big deal. It’s the same kind of “I love you” I offer to my best friend’s husband. I care about you, I love you, BUT I’ve never actually been in love with you (although my BFF did say that this time when I fall in love it will be different than in my 20s).

I can see my cousin reading this and possibly rolling her eyes (this is almost a 180 from our conversation yesterday). BUT I think I latched onto you because 1) You’re Hot 🙂 2) We have great physical/sexual chemistry  (possibly same as number 1, lol) 3) We have had some good conversations 4) I felt comfortable with you. BUT the reality (which is very normal) is that the thing that made us closer was your injury and my separation and divorce. We listened, we talked, we gave each other perspective and we had fun (which we both really needed). So going back to the beginning of this blog:

1) no… you are not my fortune cookie! and..

2) Our timing was/is exactly as it should be – no more, no less!

Me xx

p.s. … so all I have left to say is:

Hi!

It’s 1:15am and I just came back from watching a movie by myself. First time ever! It wasn’t too bad actually. I was going to email you to let you know that I did that (it’s no biggie for you – it’s something you do frequently). But I stopped myself. I’m trying to stay away from you. From contacting you. Haven’t talked to you since I last saw you two weeks ago. Anyways… this post is not about you!

I miss my babies! It’s weird… I never thought that becoming a mom would define me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I have girlfriends whose life revolves around the kids 24/7 and truthfully, that’s not me. I do need to escape motherhood from time to time. I need to feel like a woman. A beautiful, sexy and sensual single woman and not “mom”. I’m sure I have girlfriends who feel that way too, but I also have some who are happy with a full-time 24/7 mom role. And I’m not judging them.

The point is that now that they have been gone for a month I realised just how much I do miss them. I miss doing things with them and for them. And you know what? I actually do miss being “mom”! Suddenly I feel like hey.. it is who I am… It IS an important part of my identity and it defining (at least part of) my identity is a positive thing. It’s not a bad thing. I don’t think I ever claimed it to be a bad thing, I just felt like it wasn’t really me. But now I realise that we each define parenthood differently – approach it differently. We are all unique mothers and embrace our role differently. We all love our kids! But my “ahah” moment was realising that i actually do miss that mother part of me.  Loving them, taking care of them, doing things with them. Thinking of what to do with them, for them. What to cook and bake for them. Buying them what they need, clothes, supplies, registering them for extra curricular activities, etc….

It’s weird .. that’s why I say that there is comfort in reality. Reality is routine… and sometimes routine can feel very mundane but sometimes there is a comfort in it – especially for kids.. So I don’t know… maybe it’s a new discovery for me, an epiphany – call it what you will.. that I kind of dig this motherhood thing and I miss it! Although I’m sure they’ll come back and after a while I’ll have my moments of “can someone please give me a break and take them for a bit” lol… But it’s nice.. it’s nice to know that I am a mother. It’s kind of a nice validation too! Sometimes you need it from yourself. You know it’s nice to hear it from your own mom “I’m proud of you and I think you are doing a good job”. It’s nice to hear it from your girlfriends -the ones whose words actually mean something. But I guess that sometimes is nice to hear it from yourself. So yeah motherhood rocks – through the ups and downs.. the ups always outweigh the downs. God how I miss them.

Good night!

Me Xx

 

 

 

Hi!

It’s 1:58 am and I should be asleep, but I can’t because I have too much on my mind. I don’t write to you anymore. Instead I write here. My friend said to me “just write! Whether anyone will ever read this blog, doesn’t really matter,  it’s the outlet that you have and need.” Whether you will care enough to ever read this, doesn’t even matter. You know about it – we’ve discussed the different names I had for it. I even asked you for some help with artwork for it, which you failed to help me with. BUT that’s okay. I told you that you will disappoint me and you have and will. My best friend seems to think that even if nothing serious ever happens between you and I that we are friends – that I get that from you – friendship. BUT she is wrong and I don’t want to correct her. A friend would remember and acknowledge my birthday. A friend would reach out from time to time to find out how I’m doing. A friend would care enough to answer my emails (and not with quick one line sentences or I’ll write more later – never to be heard of again). Don’t get me wrong.. when you were sick and in bed, you did. You were even there for me as I was separating from my ex. As I was going through so much in my head, you somehow found the time to write to me (even when you lived with her). BUT now that you live alone, you don’t anymore. I think that you don’t need me anymore. I think that’s what it is. It’s funny, I still think that what you get from me (other than sex) is perspective. We do have some really conversations. But I guess you don’t need me anymore as you have A. “It’s a really weird thing to have so much in common with someone, it’s downright surreal, and very soothing.” That’s how you described your weekend with her to me. And I said to you that I thought it to be a cool description – especially the “soothing” part. You’re happy – well at least as happy as you let yourself be because now you have to figure out your next steps and how you can be with her, live with her or at least be in the same city as her, I guess. So I guess I’m not needed anymore, although you are still happy to have sex with me and the sex we have is pretty incredible. You know (on a side note) the ego in me REALLY hopes that the sex with me is better. I know… stupid… Oh BSG… I’m really trying to do a lot of self talk, but I’m not there yet. My head knows – it knows that I deserve better than you. My head knows that in reality you are not what I need. It understands that we are to each other what we should be or what we needed when this all started. But my heart doesn’t know it just yet. And me… I know that you compartmentalize, so I’m never going to ask you what you feel or how you feel or what I actually mean to you? I doubt I’m in your thoughts/brain much these days… and still it hurts. I enjoyed our conversations, but they are no more! So I seek out other men in the hopes of forgetting about you and so far I haven’t been successful. AND I hate Tinder… I absolutely hate what it does to my brain. These stupid conversations, men who think they can speak with me in a familiar tone too fast, too soon… and the whole process feeling forced and unnatural. I want to meet someone naturally. I will get off of Tinder when my kids come back from visiting their dad. I will focus on them and work. I will try my hand at learning to be single – like my cousin suggested. If I meet someone organically and they ask me out and I’m interested I’ll go for it.

I did meet one 26 year old guy who is pretty cool and intelligent. We’ve had some interesting conversations. He is very spiritual and cares about the health of his mind and body. Wants to study Chinese medicine and maybe even osteopathy. Used to be a personal trainer. Well read kind of guy. In one of our talks I asked him if he’s ever been in love or if he’s ever loved. He said no and wondered what it felt like. I started describing to him what it felt for me to love someone. It’s that person you want to share everything with. You read/hear/see something and you want to tell them about it. You want to talk to them and hear their voice every day. They are always in your thoughts. You see something in a store and you know they would love it (almost want to buy it for them). And then it dawned on me that in some way I was describing you and what you mean to me. But enough! I don’t want to continue and rehash with it’s not to be. What shouldn’t be. I don’t want anymore blog posts about this. I’ll make this my last (I think… I hope). I’ll still write to you, but here and not about you!

Soon, I will give myself a break from all this… and for you?! I wish you happiness my BSG. I want you to go away with/to her. I need you out of my head, my heart, my system.

Me Xx