As I turn off the lights I suddenly become aware of the Shabbat Candles burning on my dining room table. They pull me in… I was about to head up to my room and work out for a bit, but now I find myself at my laptop sitting next to my only source of light this evening, the burning Shabbat Candles. The house is quiet as the kids are sleeping over at my parents’ house. I could have gone out – had tentative plans to maybe go over to friends’ house, but it didn’t pan out. So I decided to stay in and against my better judgment order myself a Meat Lovers’ Pizza and watch the season finale of one of only three TV shows I actually still watch. I don’t have much time to watch TV these days.

Will I regret this post? Will I be too tired to workout by the time I finish this post? Who knows… but the candles… the candles beckon me. The last time I did this was in elementary school when I was 10 years old (today they will not allow this in schools – which is kind of too bad). My teacher had us all place a burning candle on our desks in front of us. She turned off the lights and asked us to write a poem “What Do We See/What Is The Candle Telling Us As We Stare Into Its Flame?” I remember writing a beautiful poem. So beautiful that my teacher asked to borrow it, and to this day I don’t know where it is…. that Summer I moved away!

Today was a mixture of a good day and a not so good day. Not bad… I’m just emotional. This weekend… as much as I don’t want it to be, as much as I try hard to not care, I think it’s going to end up being a little emotional for me. I promised to hopefully give you some perspective, but this is where my perspective is 50-50. And, I’m not ready to share… except to say that it’s about a man, sigh, lol… whichever way you want to roll. So earlier tonight I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor letting the tears flow… and as I’m sitting there crying, pouring everything out of me, my rational side is trying to have a conversation with my not so rational side. How do you think that conversation went? Well here I am!

You know, I once listened to a TED talk about … well about love. We keep saying that we feel in our hearts, but it’s really all in our heads. It’s a combination of circumstance, pheromones and timing. Isn’t it always about timing? (I smile as I re-read this) Well… our timing is all wrong! It’s way off! (sigh)… I read an article recently where a woman said that the first time she met her now husband, there was nothing there – they didn’t really click. BUT (and get this) six months later the chemistry and the connection was definitely there. You see… it is all about circumstance and timing. Maybe for me it will be the opposite. The chemistry and connection is there now… but maybe once I’ll get my shit together… well maybe it suddenly won’t be there. Maybe all we’ll be left with is friendship, and maybe not even that. Damn, maybe I do have perspective (ha ha ha). But it still hurts. You can’t help it – can you? What you feel? How much you feel? It hurts to know that he makes no sense in my life – my real life that is, the one that includes my kids. Yet, we always have a great time when we’re together. But, maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’ve put him (or as he refers to it – “compartmentalize”) in this special drawer that I can only take out when I’m not “the mom”. He is the fantasy that I was able to make a reality, which in essence is still a fantasy! (that’s definitely going to be the title of one of my upcoming posts, lol). Makes sense? I have more to say about this matter (wait for the above title/post :))… but I think that’s enough for tonight. It’s still hard to share.

I will end this post by sharing with you the last conversation I had with my therapist on the matter (what?! don’t judge me… we should all go to therapy!). Usually my sessions are focused on talking about my son and his struggles and needs. But during our last session she said, we’ve talked a lot about your son, I want to know how you are doing? I didn’t expect that. I didn’t really expect that I would talk about “him”. In fact I was stressed going into the session just thinking about my To Do List for that day, that weekend! But I ended up talking to her about “him”. Telling her that sometimes I question my feelings. How do I know if they are real? When will I know? Will there be a moment in time where I would feel that I could rely on myself to see things clearly? To gain perspective? Is it six months from now? Is it a year from now? (Is there really a timeline) And she noticed that at some point as I spoke about what’s going on in my head as it pertains to “him”, that I choked up a bit (I don’t typically cry in my therapy sessions – I usually leave that for home and the bathroom floor :)). I said to her that although I understand that he makes no sense in my reality/ in my life, I seem to tear up (okay sometimes a full blown cry-fest session) usually after spending a few blissful days with him. It’s funny, because what she said to me next, was definitely not earth shattering. It was something I already understood in my subconscious. That perhaps what I’m crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. As I return to everyday “stuff” and say goodbye to the fantasy he represents.

Look… I have no regrets. None whatsoever. We get one life to live, so I’m going to live it. I will take the moments of happy with the moments of pain. Knowing myself, I know there are definitely feelings at play. But more than that…? I do not know! How I long I can do this? I do not know either. Only time will tell. As I navigate this unchartered territory, the truth is that I still don’t know how much I can take and how far I can take this.

Thanks for listening! Good night!