As I turn off the lights I suddenly become aware of the Shabbat Candles burning on my dining room table. They pull me in… I was about to head up to my room and work out for a bit, but now I find myself at my laptop sitting next to my only source of light this evening, the burning Shabbat Candles. The house is quiet as the kids are sleeping over at my parents’ house. I could have gone out – had tentative plans to maybe go over to friends’ house, but it didn’t pan out. So I decided to stay in and against my better judgment order myself a Meat Lovers’ Pizza and watch the season finale of one of only three TV shows I actually still watch. I don’t have much time to watch TV these days.

Will I regret this post? Will I be too tired to workout by the time I finish this post? Who knows… but the candles… the candles beckon me. The last time I did this was in elementary school when I was 10 years old (today they will not allow this in schools – which is kind of too bad). My teacher had us all place a burning candle on our desks in front of us. She turned off the lights and asked us to write a poem “What Do We See/What Is The Candle Telling Us As We Stare Into Its Flame?” I remember writing a beautiful poem. So beautiful that my teacher asked to borrow it, and to this day I don’t know where it is…. that Summer I moved away!

Today was a mixture of a good day and a not so good day. Not bad… I’m just emotional. This weekend… as much as I don’t want it to be, as much as I try hard to not care, I think it’s going to end up being a little emotional for me. I promised to hopefully give you some perspective, but this is where my perspective is 50-50. And, I’m not ready to share… except to say that it’s about a man, sigh, lol… whichever way you want to roll. So earlier tonight I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor letting the tears flow… and as I’m sitting there crying, pouring everything out of me, my rational side is trying to have a conversation with my not so rational side. How do you think that conversation went? Well here I am!

You know, I once listened to a TED talk about … well about love. We keep saying that we feel in our hearts, but it’s really all in our heads. It’s a combination of circumstance, pheromones and timing. Isn’t it always about timing? (I smile as I re-read this) Well… our timing is all wrong! It’s way off! (sigh)… I read an article recently where a woman said that the first time she met her now husband, there was nothing there – they didn’t really click. BUT (and get this) six months later the chemistry and the connection was definitely there. You see… it is all about circumstance and timing. Maybe for me it will be the opposite. The chemistry and connection is there now… but maybe once I’ll get my shit together… well maybe it suddenly won’t be there. Maybe all we’ll be left with is friendship, and maybe not even that. Damn, maybe I do have perspective (ha ha ha). But it still hurts. You can’t help it – can you? What you feel? How much you feel? It hurts to know that he makes no sense in my life – my real life that is, the one that includes my kids. Yet, we always have a great time when we’re together. But, maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’ve put him (or as he refers to it – “compartmentalize”) in this special drawer that I can only take out when I’m not “the mom”. He is the fantasy that I was able to make a reality, which in essence is still a fantasy! (that’s definitely going to be the title of one of my upcoming posts, lol). Makes sense? I have more to say about this matter (wait for the above title/post :))… but I think that’s enough for tonight. It’s still hard to share.

I will end this post by sharing with you the last conversation I had with my therapist on the matter (what?! don’t judge me… we should all go to therapy!). Usually my sessions are focused on talking about my son and his struggles and needs. But during our last session she said, we’ve talked a lot about your son, I want to know how you are doing? I didn’t expect that. I didn’t really expect that I would talk about “him”. In fact I was stressed going into the session just thinking about my To Do List for that day, that weekend! But I ended up talking to her about “him”. Telling her that sometimes I question my feelings. How do I know if they are real? When will I know? Will there be a moment in time where I would feel that I could rely on myself to see things clearly? To gain perspective? Is it six months from now? Is it a year from now? (Is there really a timeline) And she noticed that at some point as I spoke about what’s going on in my head as it pertains to “him”, that I choked up a bit (I don’t typically cry in my therapy sessions – I usually leave that for home and the bathroom floor :)). I said to her that although I understand that he makes no sense in my reality/ in my life, I seem to tear up (okay sometimes a full blown cry-fest session) usually after spending a few blissful days with him. It’s funny, because what she said to me next, was definitely not earth shattering. It was something I already understood in my subconscious. That perhaps what I’m crying about is the loss of who I am with him. The loss of that self as I return to being the responsible mom. As I return to everyday “stuff” and say goodbye to the fantasy he represents.

Look… I have no regrets. None whatsoever. We get one life to live, so I’m going to live it. I will take the moments of happy with the moments of pain. Knowing myself, I know there are definitely feelings at play. But more than that…? I do not know! How I long I can do this? I do not know either. Only time will tell. As I navigate this unchartered territory, the truth is that I still don’t know how much I can take and how far I can take this.

Thanks for listening! Good night!

I ask my son on our way  home from the hospital! Ah the joys of single motherhood. It’s now 11pm and he is finally asleep and I’m in my bed typing this post. Thirty minutes ago we returned from the requisite visit to the children’s hospital You know the one I’m referring to, right? Where your kid falls and his/her hand or foot hurts and you are going to get it X-Rayed just to be on the safe side. You basically waste the whole evening, because most often than not, it’s nothing… but hey, it was an adventure!

I took the kids to an event at the park this afternoon where they had about 5 different variations of the bouncy castle. My son wanted to do the one that looks like a mountain and you can climb it as if you were rock climbing. And of course like most of the children there, he figured why come down the way I went up? In other words, why climb down when I can just let go and fall. Like most mothers, when he told me of his plan I questioned its intelligence, noting that he could get hurt. He explained that he will fall safely (the way he was taught in Karate) by bringing his arms close to his body and when he gets close to the ground spreading them out. That of course was not the case in the end. In the end he fell on his foot!! So here I am trying to get some sort of an handle on my three year old daughter who is miss independent, has a mind of her own and according to my parents (and I quote) “is waaaaaay more stubborn than I was”… Or was it “you were not as stubborn”?! Does it really matter!! There was some really kind people at the park. One woman offered to watch over my son (once I helped him limp over to a free spot on the grass) as I went off with my 3 year old in my arms in search of a medic. Upon my return to my son there was a nice man speaking with him, assessing how badly he was hurt and whether he also hurt his head (asking him memory type questions). By the type of questions he was asking him and the questions he was asking me I surmised him to be a doctor of sorts. To make a long story short, he suggested that I take him to the hospital to get an X-Ray – always best to air on the side of caution.

BUT first, I have to call my mom. “Mom, can you please meet me at my place and take care of the little one while I go to the hospital… no it’s not serious… don’t worry….” What would I have done without my parents living nearby? Probably dragged my daughter with me! That would have been fun!!

And as we make the long drive downtown (about 45 minutes) – because that’s where the children’s hospital is located I think to myself 1) thank god it’s past rush hour 2) damn I’m missing the event I wanted to go to tonight… but that’s okay… I believe that things happen for a reason and 3) I wouldn’t trade this driver seat for anything in the world!!! And my son is in the back crying because it hurts. Now for the life of me I can’t remember what he said to me at that moment, but I do recall being careful and not saying “I told you so”. Instead I said to him “remember the conversation we had prior to you climbing that mountain bouncy castle? Remember that I told you that you could get hurt?!” To which he replies “I’m really sorry mommy”. To which I reply “I’m not mad at you. I’m not upset. I’m just sad that you are in pain. I want you to realise that you are going to have to think twice before you do something. Your health and your body are most important. Your body is your temple and you’ll need to respect it and take care of it. You will have many temptations in life. Friends will try and convince you to do things. Act on things. You will need to learn to stop and think and not be impulsive.” So… how many of you think that an eight year old would understand the whole “your body is a temple and you need to respect it” blah blah blah thought?! Yeah, I thought so!! BUT my son is very impulsive… so baby steps my friends, baby steps!!

So now we are all tucked in and the last conversation we had before I turned into our driveway was the fact the he thinks God created the world using art. He would put something into the world – a detail and then continue from there – one detail at a time, one brush stroke at a time, until he was done. “So yes mommy, I think God is an artist.” That’s an eight year old for you!

p.s. – is it wrong that I thought the man that took care of my son while I went to get the medic… well… is it wrong that I thought he was good looking? And I also checked to see if he had a wedding ring on. He was surrounded by whom I presume to be his four daughters. No wedding ring… but then again nowadays you just never know ;)!

I also need to sleep, lol. A few months ago (actually closer to 6 months ago probably) I started reading the book Everybody Writes by Ann Handley. I only got through two chapters before single motherhood came calling (I don’t remember the last time I actually finished a book). I will pick it up again soon. I need to sort my life and brain out in such a way that I can schedule some book time every day – a little each day (I’m also finding it hard to concentrate these days). BUT, I read enough to know that the author will probably tell me that I’m doing this blog thing all wrong. You see, there won’t be any rhyme or reason to the sequence of my posts. There is no theme other than navigating life as a single mother – so talks about my kids, family, friends, career, working out and I’ll throw in some sex for good measure. I’ll start drafts and then save them until I can look at them again and make sure to slightly edit them. Not so that they are perfect, as I’m not looking for perfection, but more so that they/it/I make sense. So yeah… I kind of need to write because… well because I cry a lot these days. I’m happy though. I’m happy with the decision I made a year ago (that’s for another post), but it doesn’t make it any less challenging. I have absolutely no regrets, and although I’m not alone I do feel lonely sometimes. BUT if I’m to share with you, then I need to remain anonymous. I want to take you on this unfiltered, uncensored journey and talk about my relationships and experiences freely. But I want and need to protect the people that are part of these experiences.

Stay tuned and maybe next time (or fives posts down the road) I’ll explore/share with you what I think my journey may/should/will be about.

Good night!

My fingers have been itching to start this blog. Why? It’s funny… when people follow me on twitter my first thought is “why the hell are you following me? I don’t have anything interesting to twit about!” Yet, here I am wanting to start a blog. Look… I’m no expert – I just have a lot on my mind that I want to share, and I figure that maybe just maybe my perspective or the way I see things will help someone. Even if only one person. Then again, maybe all I’ll end up doing is entertain you! I’m good with that. I love making people laugh. I believe Charlie Chaplin was the one who said that “a day without laughter is a day wasted!” Agreed! And who knows… maybe I’ll actually have people start reading my blog and commenting and helping me in the process – giving me perspective on the things I still can’t seem to get a handle on. Or just words of wisdom and support.

Does it annoy you when someone says to you “I feel blessed”, “I feel thankful?!” Does it seem self righteous? I don’t think so. Life is moving so fast these days that for me personally it’s important not to forget how blessed I truly am. It’s not about the money or things (although having a career I enjoy and working with people I care about and who care about me – I truly am thankful for that; not only from an emotional and growth perspective, but also from the perspective that I can put a roof over my children’s heads, feed and cloth them, etc). So why am I feeling blessed? Because I have two beautiful and healthy children (who although drive me bananas at times) I love completely and who give me unconditional love (well, on the condition that I feed them non-stop with only the things that they love because hey, the kitchen is open 24-hours and apparently I’m a restaurant that can whip just about anything), I can’t breathe hugs (okay, sometimes I do need to beg for those) and wet kisses (and these too). I have these amazing supportive parents who love their grand kids probably more than they love me (just kidding… then again, maybe not ;)) and are always there to lend a hand, a  helpful and caring brother and a kind hearted SIL (she is not perfect nor do we agree on everything – but she is goodness, love and warmth and a great source of support and advise). And there is my BFF to whom I will send a text at 6:45 on a Wednesday morning saying that I’m so exhausted physically and emotionally with tears streaming down my face, and she’ll call me right away to calm me down and get me to breath.  Then there is my cousin with whom I reconnected not long ago. My beautiful and strong cousin who is able to provide me with some perspective and 100% no judgement. Even as I type this I realise that these amazing individuals (and there will be others worth mentioning) – these people each deserve a dedicated post. All in due time. Well, considering it’s now 12:31am and my little one is bound to wake me up at about 6:00 am, I think it’s time to shut this down and hit the sack!

Oh… did I mention that I’m a single mother?

p.s. am I supposed to edit this? Ah F*** It! I’m too tired!!